lights, camera, dean!!
who is, was, and will be kissed by fire?
will we ever get a snark-off between olenna tyrell and tywin lannister? i would like this very much!
will jon snow's tests beyond the wall prove fatal?
will dany set some dudes on fire?
will the show set a new record for consecutive episodes not featuring gratuitous nudity?
well, we don't bloody know, but if you hit the jump with us, we'll find out together!
8:05 - hey, welcome!
we've been told by wikipedia article (yeah, we know) for the episode that this episode will encompass chapters 21, 27 and 35 of Storm of Swords.
What does this mean?
Well, only astute watchers who've read the books will be able to tell!
like tyrion would give a damn.
8:20 - are you at home?
do you have a designated driver?
you better have all that sorted out, anyway, because this here is a drinkin' blog*.
* - don't drink alcohol? that's cool - do whatever you do, and enjoy some tasty libations like water - or tea! we love tea, specifically from David's Teas.
8:30 - so is Jaime going to become super awesome now? like, seriously - think of all the awesome characters that have been born out of losing hands... umm, Luke Skywalker, Roland Deschain (or fingers, at least) umm, other guys? seriously though - pretty neat company, right?
8:40 - seriously, though... what's the over under on deaths tonight?
5? 7? we know things are getting down to the brass tacks now, and it seems things are about to get pretty hectic.
no, not those taxes. those are for tyrion to worry about.
8:45 - hmm, Less than Kind is preceeding today's episode again.
Hey, we like the show, but it seems a little incongruous.
danny lubbe agrees?
8:50 - ten minutes! turn off the phone, turn down the lights and turn up the teevee, Game of Thrones is almost here.
9:00 - welp, here we go, y'know, sorta. best opening sequence ever, though!
9:03 - hey, look - there's some sort of trial occurring.
The Brotherhood without Banners is trying the hound.
"The night is dark and full of terrors," is one of their phrases uttered (in prayer to R'hllor) before we begin one of those trial by fighting deals.
Beric Dondarrion sets his sword aflame with some of his blood.
The Hound is pretty darned scared, obviously.
Good acting and choreography in this very nifty fight scene. It seems like everyone is in danger as the two fighters careen across the set!
Arya stands by, watching all of this intensely and hoping fervently for The Hound to be killed.
There's more playing with fire, and scared Clegane business, and this is a damn dangerous fight. Basically everyone there is could die.
Oh, hey, Dondarrian's shield is busted up.
Oh, shit. The Hound's shield is on fire. He can't get it off.
The men start chanting 'guilty'.
The Hound takes Dondarrian down to his knees, and then stabs him through the chest.
Arya causes a scene, tries to kill the Hound, then tells him to burn in hell.
"he will," oh hey, Beric is still alive. "but not today.
they carry Arya off.
9:07 - Above the wall, Jon is questioned by the wargy wildling.
They start asking him about how many men are on the wall.
Jon gets testy.
"what happens to your crow if I kill you?
Warg guy's upset - Ygritte steps in, but everybody knows that's just 'cause she wants to fuck him.
Tormund tells Jon he likes him - and he better not be lying.
9:08 - Ygritte tells Jon he owes her.
Then she steals his sword and runs off to a cave.
This is probably going to get a little sexy, no?
Hey look, the waterfall.
So, she wants to make sure he's not still a crow.
"You swore some vows, I want you to break them," she starts stripping.
"I want you to see me. All of me."
Technically, this nudity isn't gratuitous.
Jon says they shouldn't, Ygritte says they should, and away they go.
Oh, hey - they suggest he goes down on her! Just like the books!
And there's the whole "you know nothing Jon Snow" thing, except with sex involved (as well as ygritte's surprise at jon's sexual prowess).
9:10 - their pillow talk is silly, and about cunnilingus. she asks if that's what lords to their ladies in the south, and he replies that he merely wanted to kiss her there. she presses further about who taught him, and he reiterates that it's only been her. she laughs and teases him about having been "a maid!"
and he replies that he was "a man of the night's watch."
but hey, they discuss losing their virginities, and mention the episode title (ygritte and her first sex partner were both "kissed by fire," so drink).
anyway, that was really sweet and believable, and we liked it. this has been a great adaptation!
9:13 - back with the Brotherhood, they're leading a hooded Hound off to his freedom.
He wants more gold, but won't get it.
9:13 - welp, some dudes have Jaime, and are dropping him off with Roose Bolton.
"he's lost a hand," Roose says.
"no he doesn't, he's got it right here," one of the fucks tells him.
Roose suggests he shut up before he loses his tongue.
He then goes on to tell Jaime and Brienne of the raid on King's Landing, and implies scary stuff has happened to Cersei before telling him that all is well.
They send Jaime off to Maester Qyburn.
There's a bunch of gross shit, and the Maester suggests cutting the whole arm off.
"and you'll die. You're no Maester, you've got no chain."
Qyburn says the Citadel took it away, they didn't like some of his experiments.
I like how they call infection 'corruption'.
So dude's going to flay off the rotted flesh, then disinfect it with boiling wine.
He offers Jaime milk of the poppy, but he's not going to take it.
Qyburn warns it will be painful.
"I'll scream," Jaime says.
"Loudly," Jaime adds.
and he does. sorta.
That scene was gory and gross. Even if the scream was a bit underwhelming.
9:17 - we juxtapose that with Cersei now, and a wonderful breastplate/armoured basque .
She bids Littlefinger to look in on the Tyrells it seems? Something like that, I was looking at the breastplate.
Ooooh, Olenna and Tyrion!
So Tyrion's complaining about finances, and how much their war time expenses are costing - he notes the royal wedding will be extravagant, and they need assistance in funding it.
"The word extravagant has been used -"
"What good is the word extravagant if it can't be used to describe a royal wedding?"
Olenna shrugs this off further by quoting all the support they've given throughout the war (since season two, when they lifted the siege they'd employed in season one, but wev!!)
She then notes that entertainment for the public is quite important during war times, and if they don't provide it to them, they may find it themselves in ripping royals apart.
Olenna continues ripping Tyrion apart, verbally, before agreeing to pay half the costs of the wedding.
she tells him she'd heard he was drunken and debaucherous, and that she's disappointed to find nothing more than a broken-down bookkeeper.
"Where did you go for them, Volantis?" (asking Podrick about how long it took him to bring the figs)
9:21 - back with the Brotherhood, it seems as though Gendry is sticking behind.
Arya begs him to come,
"I can be your family."
You wouldn't be my family. You'd be my lady."
Obviously this can't happen, and sadness ensues. Things are rough for Arya, as always.
9:25 - so, some people wake up in a bed? and umm, some drunk guy killed the Lannister hostages.
Robb notes this is treason.
"King in the North - or should I call him the King who lost the north?"
Robb tells them to take Karstark off. Some people are getting hung, it seems.
9:24 - Robb's council suggests that this information can't leave, and if the Lannisters find out, things will get worse. Talisa tells Robb she needs to spare the Karstarks, as they are loyal aids to the Starks and the North.
Robb looks pensive?
What to do, Robb, what to do?
9:25 - So, it turns out Robb's going to take his head.
He's making the Ned Stark choice.
That'll work out well, right?
So, the Karstark guy is chirping Robb, and wants him to be haunted 'til the end of his days for killing his kin.
Robb asks Karstark for his final words.
"Kill me and be cursed, you are no king of mine."
At that, Robb takes his head off in one swoop and with amazing music.
9:27 - Arya says her prayer, then she and Thoros discuss the semantics of being a hostage, and ransoms, etc.
He notes that her family is respected, and they wouldn't have taken the gold if they didn't need it. Beric tried to refuse out of respect for her late father.
Arya wants to know how they bring Beric back.
Thoros notes they've done this six times.
c'mon, this fits!
They discuss his various deaths.
"was that hanging, or a dagger in the eye?"
"both, fuckers couldn't decide."
More sad talk about Ned closes out that scene. Arya asks if they could have brought back a man with no head - not six times - just once. Beric tells her she'd never want Ned to have the life he's living now. Arya argues that she would. After all, Beric Dondarrion is alive.
9:30 - Selyse, she's here now!
Stannis comes to see her, finally. Great husband, this guy is.
He says he would have come earlier, but y'know, stuff...
9:31 - So anyway, he's here to 'fess up to her about his sins and stuff.
Melisandre's beaten him to it though, and she thinks it's fine, because it was done in service to the lord of light?
"When she told me, I wept."
i have to admit, i preferred this dialogue between cristina and maria elena.
she turns around to a wall full of like, gross fermented fetuses?
Niiiiice. Very Woodbury Chic.
"I thank god (R'hllor?) every day for bring Melisandre to us. She gave you a son. I gave you nothing."
So it turns out Stannis is here to see his daughter, and there's some hesitancy about that.
But hey, creepy child singing voices sound out, and here's Shireen.
Great! For a moment there, I was worried they had cut her out. But she seems...um...you know. [SPOILERS]
9:34 - Shireen wants to know about the battle, and the Onion Knight.
She misses him - apparently they're friends?
Psst! Shireen is tragically adorable! Though I expected the greyscale to look much worse
"Mother doesn't like him," she confesses to Stannis, and goes to show him a gift the Onion Knight once brought her.
"Ser Davos is a traitor," he replies. "He's rotting in a dungeon cell for him crime. You'd best forget him."
they end the scene all sad stylez.
no, but seriously? holy shit, show. i can't believe you've made me care about STANNIS. not one of the books could do that, despite seeing how he was the rightful king!
9:35 - it's bathtime at the Bolton camp, as Brienne is scene scrubbing herself off to start this one.
Jaime comes in, and things get a little touchy.
She's incredibly uncomfortable with Jaime getting in the same tub with her.
"Don't worry, I'm not interested. If I faint, pull me out. I'm not interested in being the first Lannister to die in a tub."
"What do I care if you die?"
Jaime goes on to tell her about the oath she swore about him not dying.
He brings up Renly dying, and she bursts out of the water, furiously. It's incredibly powerful, and filmed in a way that doesn't make my eyes roll (though I understand if you disagree)!
"That's it, that's the look..."
Jaime goes on to talk about how eventually everyone looks at him like the king slayer, oathbreaker, etc...
"Have you heard of wildfire?"
9:37 - he tells her tales of the mad king burning people for fun.
tells her about how their were caches of wildfire throughout the city, under houses, stables and tavern.
"Finally the day of reckoning came..."
He continues telling her the story about how the Mad King fell.
He explains how he tried to get Aerys to surrender, but he refused because he trusted the Lannisters.
"He told me to bring him my father's head." Then he turned to his Pyromancer, "burn them all. Burn them in their beds."
He asks Brienne what she would have done if her "precious Renly" asked the same of him.
It's pretty touching.
"First I killed the Pyromancer, then when the King ran to flee, I put my sword in his back."
"Burn them all, burn them all he said."
Jaime goes on to explain that he doesn't believe Aerys thought he was going to die. He likely believed he was going to turn into a dragon and turn his enemies to ashes.
"I slit his throat to make sure that didn't happen. That's where Ned Stark found me."
Brienne asks why he never told anyone. She suggests Ned stark, and is cut off by Jaime explaining that Ned Stark, he of the black-or-white-morals, judged Jaime guilty immediately.
In all the intensity, Jaime begins to faint.
"The Kingslayer," Brienne calls out.
"Jaime. My name is Jaime."
me throughout this entire episode.
holy shit, writers?! What is with all of these perfectly adapted scenes? I can't take it!!
9:42 - Meanwhile, back at Dragonstone, Shireen has brought a book to Davos (about Dragonstone's former inhabitants, the Targaryens).
She wants to know if he's a traitor.
He says he is. He says she should stay away from him - and she pointedly asks if they will be imprisoned if she disobeys, before continuing on to explain that Davos can hide the book under his cloak, and she will bring him more when he is done.
He explains to her he can't read the words.
"I wouldn't know where to start."
"at the beginning. This word is Aegon."
oh, wow. Illiteracy makes us super sad.
just pick up a good book, and read!
9:43 - We transition to Dany.
Barristan and Jorah discuss tourneys and Thoros and his flaming sword. Soon, the conversation moves to Robert Baratheon.
Ser Jorah Mormont: He was a good man. A great warrior.
Ser Barristan Selmy: And a terrible king.
So, whose dick is bigger, boys?
9:45 - after a bunch of walking and talking, Dany comes upon Grey Worm (who has been selected as the leader of the Unsullied), and we learn about how the Unsullied are given their names. It's pretty touching, I suppose, in its wacky Game of Thrones way - but way more viscerally so when she calls upon them to cast off their slave names and have names of their own choosing. Grey Worm elects to keep this name, as he considers it lucky - his ("this one's") previous name had been one under which he was enslaved, whereas Grey Worm was the name he held when he was freed by Daenerys Stormborn.
9:46 - Back with Barristan, Jorah is learning about things that were happening in King's Landing during his absence-slash-exile-for-selling-people-into-slavery (sure puts a different spin on his pro-slavery stance in earlier episodes, eh?). The council of Robert Baratheon, and how excluded certain individuals were.
They jockey for position in Dany's ka-tet (whoops, wrong theory) and Jorah pulls rank.
"You're not Lord Commander here, you're just another exile, and I take my orders from the Queen."
9:48 - Robb's at his chess board, theorizing and strategizing.
Talisa asks him to come to bed.
He explains they're screwed without the Karstarks, just as she (and Catelyn, and others) had warned him.
She suggests they head home.
He says there's no way his bannermen would come back to fight after spending the winter in the embrace of their families.
"Give them a new purpose," she tells him.
"Like what," he asks.
"I don't know. I don't even know where Winterfell is."
Things get cute then as Robb tries to show her where Winterfell is on the map.
From here he gets some crazy stupid idea that he can take Casterly Rock.
It's cute, and INCREDIBLY STUPID.
He notes that he'd need the Freys' help.
Yeah, that'll happen. My fuck, this is...never...mind...let's move on.
9:50 - speaking of Lannister land, we're back the King's Landing.
Marg and Sansa discuss her departure and pending marriage to Loras,
who then is approached by some aide. They end up having some pretty gay sex.
Go ahead and drink. It's not as covered up as in season one! And yet...
9:51 - ...Clearly not gratuitous, because: oh no! turns out dude was a plant from Littlefinger!
They discuss that Loras has been betrothed to Sansa in secret. Obviously, Littlefinger is displeased by this, and goes to talk to Sansa with almost no transition.
"She may not be the nicest ship in the world, or the fastest, but she's mine."
Littlefinger is trying to get Sansa on a ship.
He notices her hair is like Margaery's?
Anyway, he keeps cooing at her with his creepy-ass voice and implies he can get her home.
Sansa squirmingly tries to lie her way out of it.
She calls him Lord Baelish. He asks to be called Petyr.
He plants more creepy plan seeds then bails.
Bails, Baelish, get it?
9:54 - oooh, inner council meeting! Tywin with Tyrion and Cersei.
They discuss the Tyrell's and their danger.
It appears as though Sansa is now "the key to the north".
Tywin thinks that Robb is months away from losing his army, and that the other Stark boys are dead.
This makes Sansa the heir of Winterfell. They can't let her go to the Tyrells.
"What do you suggest we do," Tyrion asks.
"Find her a new husband."
This all ends up with them betrothing Sansa to Tyrion.
Tyrion notes that she's just a child, but Cersei says that "she's flowered." She is taking so much joy in this.
if only there was a word to describe the pleasure i feel at viewing misfortune!
"It's settled, then" Tywin says.
Oooh, then he sets Cersei up with Loras?!
"I'm Queen Regent, not a Broodmare!"
"You're my daughter!" Tywin says. Therefore he owns your body, and will dictate who you fuck as well as who impregnates you!
i hope this scene, and cersei's subsequent begging of her father not to do this to her again will help people to see her in a more complex light. also, octopuses!!!
He goes on to note they've both disgraced the Lannister name for too long, and at that the episode ends.
Ha! Schooled! Take that you stupid, stupid, Lannister children. For whom I am currently crying, but shut up about that.
9:57 - !!!! Shireen was singing Patchface's song! But it's much more creepy than I would have read it...I know, I know.
I'm a bit on the fence with some of the musical adaptations, but this is a definite hit for me.
This was possibly my favourite episode of the show so far! What do you think (feel free to disagree!)?