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we've decided to take a closer look at this, for science! and cause, well. we love creepy shit.
as with most dumb-ass trailers for commercial-looking horror vehicles, the trailer is rated G, meaning "G-ee go see this." Give me a redband trailer any day (this gives us an idea...)
so anyway, the trailer starts with an older gent coming upon an abandoned looking cabin in the woods.
clearly it would be a great idea to go inside. so, he does. said inside features spooky dark hallways, eerie light through windows, a bird, and an exceedingly dirty, scary child moving about like a spider.
yup, real as shit, jaime lannister.
yeah yeah, call him nikolaj coster-waldau if you must, but we all know that's jaime lannister.
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during some scenes with the kingslayer, a voice over instructs us, thankfully, that
some girls ("victoria" and "lilly") lived there, alone. in deplorable conditions. their parents gone... possibly as long as five years. said girls are seen in various locales, being studied and watched.
as the voice over continues, we learn that ol' jaime here is the girls' uncle luke (by way of being their daddy's brother, you see) we also learn that the girls have many hobbies, like scurrying about in a disturbing fashion, staring at walls, huddling in corners, and hiding under beds.
we cut from all these random scenes to a court room, where we learn that the voiceover was actually testimony from a psychologist/psychiatrist/social worker/children's aid representative/white dude and he concludes "with a loving family environment, victoria and lilly have a real chance at a normal life."
with that, we cut to uncle luke and aunt... tba? anyway, she's played by jessica chastain - in the bedroom.
"you sure about this?" he asks her.
"nope," she replies, and slaps him on the shoulder. romance!
we know that the cuteness is over though, because we get some more title cards, and eerie piano music featuring some very fancy reverse effects to this engineer's liking. next, we get a quick montage of various scenes involving the girls and their adapting to "a loving family environment." the small one (not sure which is which) seems to enjoy not wearing shoes, hiding behind her sister, and calling things mama (all of which she does upon their arrival.)
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"there is no way these girls are ready for this, and there is no way that i am ready for this," aunt tba tells jaime/uncle luke while washing some dishes. this is evidenced pretty well by the scenes spliced around this conversation, which include a fun round of sibling trichophagia; followed by screaming and slapping adults; and creepy dirty dolls being buried in the yard.
cut to a scene of moths flying around in a hallway and the girls drawing on walls.
it's about to get all del toro in here.
"how have they been affected?" asks court-appointed smart-guy in the next cut. man, this guy is on the ball. top notch. one for the good guys.
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"they talk to the walls," auntie tells him.
"and what do they say?" he responds
cut to a dark hallway and the little one saying "mama" to some some very creepy children's drawings that one assumes are the titular character.
"it'll get better, i promise," the kingslayer tells his bride in the next cut. somehow i doubt it... thinking this might get worse.
from here we cut to more title cards and typical "woom!" horror jolts. the screen tells us that "this january... they've come home... but not alone" and we get a quick montage of auntie being alone in the house with typical creepy children whispers from the walls and vents with flickering lights all about the house.
auntie notes later "i think someone's coming to visit them," and i find that level of vaguery pretty cute.
next up, mr. honey-i-shrink-the-kids is asking the little one to tell him about mama, spliced with more creepy hallway business.
"i'd like you to tell me about mama," he says.
"no," the little girl replies.
in the next splice, she's hugging someone and staring behind them. this is, well, sort of a thing she does a lot in this trailer... except this time in turns out the other sister is in the hallway, staring her down and shaking her head. it's pretty disturbing.
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next up, auntie is asking the older girl what's wrong.
"i don't want you to get hurt," she tells her surrogate guardian.
from here everything devolves into your typical jolt-fest. including scary scenes of:
-children laughing and playing at night!
-something in the closet!
-something under the bed!
-the children laughing and playing at night with things in the closets and under the beds!
-dark obscured figures walking through fields!
adhesive medical strips! (link)
-spindly, wood-looking arms reaching for children!
-skeletons buried in backyards!
-children perched spookily on top of things!
-moths and cracks in ceilings!
this and much, much more!
as everything slows down for a second, a title card tells us "a mother's love never dies."
...gee, wonder what the story is here.
"who is mama, victoria?" auntie asks in the next cut.
after that some stuff reaches through the aforementioned cracks in the roof while ser jaime takes a tumble trying to investigate.
as...you...wiiish!
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victoria is then seen screaming "mama, stop it! you promised!" seems like we might be in for some pretty decent acting from this kid!
and we're back into the JPM cuts with: some flasbacks for the children, crab-walking tree people,
it's a crazy, like, nine seconds.
ultimately this looks like a pretty scary movie... definitely a step up from your usual paranormal activity in the hostel and whatnot. it'll be interesting to see if all the del toro fun is negated by typical "new" horror conventions, or if the movie is given the space to move and breathe in a manner that would really lend to an original spooky factor.
our verdict?
...yeah, we'd probably pay money to see this.
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