is everyone excited?
is there anyone here?
...i don't know what's going on.
so come on and join us! drink at arbitrary and pre-defined moments (in this case, "pre" can mean up to 0.3 seconds prior to the "drink!" prompt)!
shirley bennet came prepared. shouldn't you?share your love of dresses, glamour, and film, all while shedding disdain on the institutions and systems that restrict the very media they seek to elevate!
oh, and in light of that last point, there is a significant chance we will be switching off the oscars to watch and comment on tonight's new episodes of less than kind and (possibly) the walking dead...considering we haven't seen the bulk of this year's nominees, and the academy itself is pretty bullshit.
anyway! let luke and leia get you started, then follow us down the jump-hole (eew)!
6.00pm - starting off our two-person viewing party with ctv's red carpet coverage. parrrty! but ugh, ben mulroney...canadian nepotism at its "finest."
6:02pm - leah miller, your face looks like a mask! is it...terribly bright on the red carpet?
6:02pm - milla jovovich! her lipstick is exquisite (as is her eye makeup and blush). at least she managed to shake off danny lohner for the night!
6:02pm - and what a lovely way to bring dimension to a white dress. she looks great.
6:03pm - is old hollywood ever going away? not that i'm complaining.
6:03pm - this guy is right, she is soooo reminiscent of mia farrow! michelle williams, you are so lovely...be our girlfriend! *drink*
6:04pm - haha i love how "very beautiful" = "very blonde."
6:04pm - lolwut, they are talking a LOT about dawson's creek. how embarrassing. *drink*
6:05pm - wendi mclendon-covey, your dress is so beautiful! she has such a fun, sexy-girlie-toughness going on.
6:05pm - haha for men and for women! don't worry, men, brian mulroney is looking out for you! *drink*
6:05pm - NO SHOE CAM?! WTF!!!
6:06pm - rose byrne looks...jaundiced? what an unusual effect for a black dress. i hope she's okay.
6:07pm - i...did not realize nick nolte was this old.
6:08pm - bret mckenzie! yay! we didn't see the new muppets movie, but i hope he wins for best song anyway. but just in case:
*drink*6:12pm - first commercial break is over! joe zee seems to have some good insights into fashion. haha wait - no he doesn't! he has a bunch of commentary on melissa mccarthy's fatness, just like everyone else. *drink*
6:13pm - we love melissa, but we are way divided on the dress - i like the sleeves and the colour, but i hate the draping on the bust. however, the fabric falls beautifully below the gathered waist.
6:14pm - she's launching her own plus-size line? how awesome!
6:14pm - qui-est-ce? oh, from the artist! we should probably watch that at some point. her elie saab dress is quite gorgeous.
6:15pm - in the background - a crazy train!
6:16pm - xtopher plummer is quite dapper tonight. and lovely to hear such a seasoned actor discuss his craft and career opportunities/limitations.
6:17pm - haha! everyone is so creeptacular about rooney mara! i'd love to say something consoling, but i'm sure it would be even more lecherous than anything i've heard thus far.
6:18pm - is that arrested development's kitty in that black and silver dress? she looks fantastic! hopefully she gives us a final chance to see these.
6:23pm - oh, stacey keibler...how did those elves ever produce a daughter so tall? her legs are exquisite! thank you, ctv, for this stacey keibler fashion retrospective. that black lace dress is so form-fitting and sexy.
6:25 - boo, the help! but jessica chastain looks stunning - that mcqueen dress is absolutely resplendent. one of my favourites by far at this point. (you know it's pm at this point, no more reminders!)
6:26 - stacey keibler looks like she could crown viserys targaryen. rrow! *drink*
6:27 - emma stone, you can kick michelle williams out of our bed if you like! *drink* but we`d definitely prefer that you join us instead.
6:28 - matthew lillard! eek! our high school selves are geeking out right now, haha!
6:31 - as commercials kick in,we wonder how billy crystal will ever be able to continue the momentum from this onslaught of excitement. is there any hope for him to revive this "mostly-dead" franchise?
makes mcguirk happy. gold and statuesque indeed; george clooney had a point when describing his
6:37 - viola davis is wearing her hair natural? that's amazing!!! please do not give lip serviece to this, mr. zee! she is paying respect to more than just her heritage, she is paying respect to her reality and her present!
6:38 - young actress from the descendants talking about laundry in a very neat white dress! that's a *drink*.
6:39 - leslie mann - or someone who looks a lot like her - looks incredible and lovely in a fitted, navy blue, glittering number. and the earrings are to die for.
6:40 - is it just us, or are there more black people than usual at the oscars? celebratory *drink!*
6:43 - dear smash,
you are a waste of angelica huston.
...pretty much a movie!
6:44 - oh my cod, viola davis looks jaw-droppingly gorgeous. also, ben - stfu about the hair if you can't stop sounding to exoticizing!
aww, viola...no one can disparage you your choice in taking this role.
6:45 - LOLOLOL colour barrier? oh, bennie. this is pathetic. "i'm just so happy for you! happy for the movie! i'm a good whitey, and racism is o-ver!"
645 - WHAT MICHELLE WILLIAMS HOW IS THAT DRESS SO WONDERFUL
how do you do it?
she's always had this gorgeous sense of mystery woven within a deceptively simple beauty, and it is really exemplified tonight.
6:46 - while pastels make me gag, octavia spencer is lovely in lavender. a very sweet look, and a great fit.
6:47 - judd apatow, i wish you would shut up and let leslie mann talk. she's so funny and badass and pretty! she can say more than just who she's wearing.
6:48 - i'm not gonna lie, i'm dying over these white dresses - and rooney mara's blows milla jovovich's right out of the water. she looks like an electrifying dream. it is so fluid and structured and detailed and take a nice big *drink*.
6:51 - ...okay so i looked at milla's dress again, and she is stunning. but we still agree that rooney mara's ensemble is the winner here - unless they're willing to engage in some sort of tie-breaker? *hopeful drink?*
6:53 - "my name is joe zee / the zee stands for zuul"
6:53 - michelle!! luis vuitton, eh? don't ask her questions about how to say goodbye; that's bullshit. but i love the idea of michelle williams and phillip seymour hoffman talking shop!
6:54 - omc michelle williams and busy phillips are best friends (and probably not more)? that's so ridiculously great!
6:55 - rooney mara! i'm really impressed by her visual transformation - ohhh of course it's givenchy. who else makes such exquisite white dresses of late? i can't get enough of this shit. eventually i will watch this movie! we've obviously heard a great deal of the score, of course.
6:57 - wow, glenn close is looking androgynous! </sarcasm>. that forest green is quite compelling.
6:57 - meryl streep once wore a project runway contestant's design to a red carpet? how fucking cool can she be? that is definitely a *drink*
6:58 - "hey, anyone ever think you're a dude? haha, yeah? okay, carry on!"
6:59 - "my fave moment is making george clooney laugh! wankwankwank"
bye, ctv! we're switching over to abc.
7:00 - i don't know who these people are! robin roberts?
7:01 - the audio on this feed sounds like crap. *drink*
7:01 - louise roe has a neat dress, and a neat accent! also, america gets waaay better camera access than canada.
7:02 - ooh, behind the scenes!
7:03 - yay, tim gunn! how we've missed you on project runway all-stars! hey, and nina! that's...also cool!
7:03 - if the oscars red carpet is "the runway of legend," why don't people actually take risks anymore? and consequently, why are they punished for doing so? i want to see some daring, people!
7:04 - wow, i love the embellishments on octavia's dress. it reminds me of a sari - maybe the draping as well, but the overall effect is very rich (i guess the lavender one i saw earlier was a flashback to a previous awards ceremony).
7:05 - octavia and robin match! women of colour, represent!
7:06 - aww, jonah hill's there with his mom! that's really sweet.
7:06 - "as an english gal, i really know zip about baseball"
haha, rock on, louise! *drink*
7:07 - maya!!! and what a lovely plum...the embellished cap sleeves are like a cross between an epaulette and a capelette. haha, keeping the shapewear industry in business! this is so wonderful. she's a fucking treasure.
7:07 - let's all *drink* for bridesmaids!
7:08 - the oscars are a commercial for movies and fashion, which takes commercial breaks for cars and vacations.
7:11 - rooney mara is back. noice.. football? we say 'meh'
7:12 - whoa, jessica chastain is the new samuel l. jackson (re: prolific output)
7:14 - oh, the collaboration between stars and designers is a cool thing to explore! let's see how disconnected each side is from the other.
haha! apparently answer is generally: very much so.
7:15 - i agree with the designers of rodarte! avant-garde and fucked up fashions are the way to go! else we're just getting drunk and bored.
7:16 - milla, you are so beautiful. how is this your first time at the oscars? i love hearing her inspiration behind her choice of look...and the look is, of course, spectacular. she should probably come back and talk some more.
7:17 - this feed has a lot of commercials, eh?
7:19 - i don't want my breakfast cereal to taste like tarantino movies! wtf, mini wheats? although, those do sound good.
7:19 - a prince and the head of disney being interviewed together? guys, you might be trying too hard.
7:23 - uh, yeah, you can "tell [octavia spencer's] dress is custom" because designers on the whole tend to be pretty fucking adamant about designing for dress forms. way to feign obliviousness, tim gunn.
7:28 - wow, viola and julian davis are a really beautiful couple. vera wang! can no one in the mainstream media pronounce 'wang?'
7:29 - "what happens after the oscars...!" haha amazing
7:30 - that necklace too, such a great choice. michelle williams. if only we could see her shoes!
7:30 - haha, louise pointing out that, in spite of his role in the movie, the beginners, xtopher plummer is indeed, far from a beginner! how does a commentator manage not to choke on this volume of fluff?
7:32 - WHAT THIS IS SO SWEET WHY IS THIS HAPPENING
7:33 - IS THAT GEORGE CLOONEY'S MOM? WHY IS HE TEN YEARS OLDER THAN HER? WHAT IS HAPPENING
7:33 - pretty sure we'd have sex with george clooney's mom. nora clooney? shit, we missed it.
7:35 - aww, melissa mccarthy and her mom! let them cry, they've certainly earned it!
7:39 - are people sincere about being excited for billy crystal? i mean, whatever. chacun son gout.
7:40 - also, her nail polish was dark and interesting!
7:40 - wow, tina fey! you've made it now - you're PRETTY! haha, oh dear. such limited narratives for success.
also, much love for peplum. i'm fucking into it.
7:42 - the bust on this woman's dress (is the colin firth's wife? if so, good on her) is very strange...i kind of like it, but it's pretty weird.
7:42 - louise is having fun with it! let's drink with her, in spirit! *drink*
7:43 - "oh man! woody allen really speaks to me." hahahah
7:44 - ...why did we just watch that short?
7:46 - american faces and cinnamon rolls - los angeles sounds like quite the evening.
7:47 - our favourite tina fey moments have more to do with her comedy! but, agree to disagree, nina garcia.
7:51 - feel like i've seen her wear that dress before.
7:51 - jlo! y u no age?
7:52 - haha, oh dear! he really can't understand a word of what she's saying!
7:53 - "i hope it predicts oscars."
"i hope it predicts oscars!"
"oh! oh no! it doesn't do that."
7:54 - zack galifinakis should play ron swanson's brother. and he's making some good points about comedy/the role of the comedian in relation to mainstream society/media!
7;55 - penelope cruz, you are a goddess. i can't even. sentences are. she's amazing. how can this be.
7:56 - how come oscar has a cane and no clothing?
8:00 - half an hour until less than kind! i mean, the oscars.
8:00 - cameron diaz is golden and weighed down in gucci. she's working it like the little mermaid - suffering to be beautiful.
8:01 - jason segal is hiiiiiiigh
or just mega awkward...ly high.
8:03 - bradley cooper, we're so glad you're not the crow anymore.
8:03 - bradley cooper is not very good at doing xopher walken tonight! poor guy. they're going to revoke your sexyman title.
8:04 - goopy's dress is clean, and well-designed. i wish she'd go away.
8:04 - stop name-dropping! you're already famous. just shut up.
8:04 - did they just seriously just both confirm that british people call "stairs" "apples and pears?"
are you fucking kidding me?
8:11 - why does george clooney seem like he is reprising his 1995 role as bruce wayne?
8:12 - brad pitt, we approve.
8:12 - oh look, it's sandra
8:14 - admittedly, i've got a buzz on. but did sandra bullock just intimate she and tom hanks got to fucking?
8:15 - angelina jolie. we prostrate before thee.
8:16 - ellie kemper. rust-coloured sequins. engage.
8:17 - who are we rooting for? essentially people who aren't essentialist pricks advancing the military-industrial complex... what? ooh. okay, people in good movies then?
8:20 - please be seated!
8:20 - natalie portman gets a thumbs up. looking smaller and longer in the hair. fascinating. red is the new red this year.
8:21 - someone's a mom now! 'i like that billy crystal won't be mean...'
8:21 - tom hanks? eff that! where's jack nicholson? does he not do these any more? tom hanks seems phlegemy. clear that throat. multiple mics phasing. eww *drink*
8:23 - shots of tequila in brian grazer's trailer? stay away, louise!!
8:24 - SPOILERALERT: hollywood - they tell you what's about to happen.even at their award shows.
8:25 - tech crew! *drink*
8:26 - chris rock is here, everbody! more natural hair. *drink* givin the eyes to robin. haha fubu!
8:26 - whoa shiiishii, it's time to have actual oscars? i bet there's a musical number.
*apparently, at this point in time, an executive decision has been made, and the viewing of less than kind well be postponed until 10:30, as to not interfere with ...pretty much a movie's coverage of the interminable fun that is the opening of the 84th annual academy awards*
8:30 - ugh, change channels again... hey, morgan freeman. what's up? oh, the 84th annual academy awards? okay then.
8:31 - oookay, so a spoof of the descendants. didn't see that one. oops. oh, and now moneyball, right? i think i got this. midnight in paris, i saw that one. beiber though, well shit.hmm, did billy crystal play sammy davis jr.? in fucking facepaint? boo! blackface is racism.
8:33 - the help now. we haven't even seen these movies, people!
8:34 - tom cruise, mission impossible? is this really the 84th, annual?
8:35 - these poor celebrities, sitting through this crap as though it's an enjoyable and believable preamble to the recognition of the art they've created? fuuu, billy crystal. booo
8:36 - ladies and gentleman, not james-franco
8:37 - ninth time hosting the oscars? whaa? is there even a point to that?
8:37 - billy crystal said text. yeehee... he also made fun of james earl jones. now he's 'singing'... why are we watching this again?
8:38 - unrelated: is there a lot of coke there or just a lot?
8:40 - who is entertained by this? like, really? are we emjoying this? please, stop singing, billy.
*editor's note: the executive decision to not switch to less than kind was a poor one, and we will certainly be departing for what will surely be a subpar episode of the walking dead*
8:42 - tom hanks, and carl the seat filler, hellz. yeah. we guess. okay that was actually sweet.
8:43 - cinematoraphy! hugo! an oscar!!
8:46 - art direction! hugo! an oscar!!
(this is easy)
8:46 - cool thing, this pharrel et al performance. nice look from meryl streep, as per usual. wore gold last time she won an oscar... hey?
8:48 - 12 minutes 'til the walking dead. *drink*
8:50 - we're back! making fun of kodak! old company jokes! bed bugs. bad, bad jokes. lots of famous people in the front row, eh?
8:51 - they've begun a montage for some reason.
'remember when movies were good, carl?'
'yup, that was fun, mike'
8:53 - baam. hot latina ladies.
8:55 - costume design. saw the jane eyre ones in person, it would be nice if they won.
8:56 - nothing we like wins.
costume design! the artist! an oscar dude's from niagara falls? niagara falls, ontario? premptive canada *drink*!
8:57 - achievement in makeup!!
(whats with this 'achievement in' business?)
8:58 - thank you, ladies! you're hilarious, and hot, and cute.
achievement in makeup! the iron lady! an oscar.
8:59 - ben stiller tackles mystery. greenberg sobs. morgan freeman is old. so is adam sandler. lots of others are here too. it's time for the walking dead, but we're suckers for artists explaining why they love their art.
brad pitt is high, right? okay.
9:01 - switching to the walking dead. oscars forced to commercial news... late tuning in! shane trapped in school bus with walkers! nooo! well, actually, it's shane. who cares?
9:02 - empty. ugh, writing takes us backwards now! creative! someone's taken online courses.
9:03 - rick, what's the plan here, bro? uh-oh. talking.
9:04 - this is intense. these guys are ripped. walkers get you jacked, bro
9:05 - "lori says you're dangerous". yeah, rick. blame it on her - good job dude.doing his wife means breaking his jaw, but being dangerous and threatening her? that's a talkin' to.
9:06 - rick with the ultimatum. heavy-handed cinematography. rick throwing it down in an intersection, decisions to make. which way will you go, shane?
9:07 - down memory lane.
9:08 - oooh, right. the old 'guy in the trunk' routine. classic teevee writing.
9:09 - gender dynamics on the walking dead loads of fun.
9:10 - 'lord of the rangs on tape' walker in the field. troubles!
9:12 - it seems like shane disagrees with something rick is doing.
9:13 - this just seems gratuitous, rick. but we do love us some gore!
9:15 - those bodies are thoroughly burnt. good focus, potentially dead humans!
*commercials! flip back to oscars, which are also on commercial break!*
9:18 - what moment for octavia? what happened?
...billy crystal's attempt at edgy race-humour comes out pretty grandpa-esque. uh, there there.
9:18 - also not bucking the grandpa theme - starting off stories with "back in 1939..."
9:19 - eugene levy...i'm confused by your parallel moustache/eyebrows. we're going back to the walking dead.
9:20 - it must be difficult for lori to convince someone else that life is worth living in the zombie-world. but i guess she's getting a lot of practice at being consoling, because all women seem to do on this show is cook, do laundry, engage in spurts of irrational "agency," and talk about feelings. ugh. at least andrea's finally starting to shoot.
- knife reveal is fairly effective.
9:22 - where did the walkman come from?
9:23 - he went to school with maggie? uh-oh, look out, glenn! drrrama!
923 - OMC shane in profile is a fucking koopa troopa!!
lori, it's not rape because I LOVE YOU9:24 - shane's gun went off!! gah, hate the character, but the actor is doing some really nice work.
9:25 - well that escalated quickly.
9:25 - sound editing! hugo! an oscar!
9:27 - sound mixing! hugo! an oscar!
9:30 - very nice on shane losing it! aaaaaand now they're fucked. walkers eeeverywhere.
9:32 - eyebrows are very well-manicured for the apocalypes.
9:32 - hey maggie, suicide is kind of a choice maybe?
9:33 - everyone's knives are sharp enough to go through a skull and brains on every stab, every time.
9:33 - hey, andrea's still on the show! and andrea respects choice, regardless of how shitty her choices may be on this show.
9:34 - lori might be getting a little defensive because of how definitively she was denied any choice around whether or not she should have to remain pregnant.
9:34 - the men can take care of things? andrea should be in the kitchen with you? oh, lori. this is so sad.
9:36 - back to the oscars - this interpretive dance is awesome! take at least two *drinks*
9:38 - omc when is two-face going to show up? "tell me doctor, do you like the circus?"
9:39 - the question "what does age matter? especially in this industry?" is unassailably creepy. sorry, billy crystal.
9:40 - too much feedback this entire night. industry standards: unimpressive.
9:40 - when it comes to goopy vs. zombies, zombies win every time.
9:41 - GRIMY FOR THE WINNNN
9:43 - where has this character been? this is a really interesting development.
9:44 - and we've caught up! back at the beginning (sinking, swimming).
9:45 - is he seriously going to stab them each in the head, one by one? is that his plan?
9:45 - oh, writers...it's so hard to trust you with
9:47 - rick, you probably need to see this through. kill him or let him be killed, but don't just disappear.
9:47 - GODAMMIT RICK
9:48 - can none of you break the door? jeez louise!
9:48 - aww, she's sorry. these women learn fast - making choices is painful, and is therefore to be avoided. and surely the men will come back soon!
9:51 - more melissa mccarthy! more, i say! oh wait, the walking dead is back.
9:53 - rick, you fucking cowboy, you! let the shane/fic roll! probably should have killed him though.
9:54 - andrea's absolutely right! she is so badass. i guess that's why she gets about nine minutes of screen time per episode.
9:56 - it's pretty hilarious how rick can be fairly certain that this dude is no good, but continue throwing shane his bone. a bone. i..wait. what? *drink*
9:56 - rick: my family! mine! miiiiine!
shane: okay, uh, for now?
rick: good enough.
9:58 - ooh, best supporting actor? the beginners! an oscar! and a record for xopher plummer as the oldest actor to win his first oscar (82 years old! that's only two years younger than the oscars!).
10:08 - billy crystal tries very hard not to make a sex joke about brad and angelina.
10:08 - oh yeah, i forgot about march of the penguins! let's get some of those guys out here; i bet they'd make excellent hosts.
10:09 - well...that kind of petered out. billy crystal is relevant!
10:10 - bradley cooper's face sums up my interest in this circle-jerk. hint: my interest is nonexistent.
10:12 - yay, penelope cruz! she is a dream.
10:12 - best original score! the artist! an oscar!
10:15 - how long are these things?!
10:16 - synchronous cymbal comedy!
10:16 - "zaj galiflikinajis" haha! what a funny dude.
10:17 - go bret! you can do it!
10:18 - yaaaaaaay
10:18 - original song! the muppet movie! an oscar!
10:19 - "just a few jokes, okay!" awww so awkward and real and cute!
10:19 - old school ushers? sign us up!
10:22 - edited to add - chris rock's introduction to best animation? likely one of the best moments of the night. we laughed more in that segment than in the rest of the show combined. way to skewer the bullshit while making yourself so memorable!
10:24 - heartstopping length of leg
we have no words, or far too many. just work. haters gonna hate.
10:25 - jim rash! you can do it!
10:27 - yaaay! best adapted screenplay. the descendants! an oscar!
10:29 - oh wow, intense competition for original screenplay!
10:30 - best original screenplay: midnight in paris! an oscar!
actually, we really liked this movie. and the screenplay was excellent. sorry to kristen wiig and annie mumulo!
aaaand now it's time for less than kind! fuck you, oscars!