Friday, March 23, 2012

movie review: the cable guy.

the cable guy
canadian theatrical release date: 14-june-1996
writer: lou holtz jr.
director: ben stiller
starring: jim carrey, matthew broderick, leslie mann, jack black, owen wilson

this movie features a number of stiller and black-related cameos, including but not limited to kyle gass.
 it's a fact.
catalogue them all after the jump!  plus, if we miss any, you get to feel so superior.  i hear that's what you internet-types are into.
r/r: ben stiller connection!  woo!
j/d: woo!
woo!  i'm a shitball!  (link)
r/r: wow...cable.  so anachronistic!  wait, did that white lady just say she entrapped dude into sex?  'cause that's rape.
j/d: starting out with some static of a tv talk show, like jerry, then some channel surfing.  ben stiller cameo in the montage, right before ricky lake. i don't think it's really a cameo, though, as much a small part.
r/r: ricki lake!  i want to watch john waters' hairspray.  a lot.
r/r: fuck you, jerry.  you think trans* people aren't beaten, arrested, raped, and/or killed for similar revelations?  you think your contribution to the public discourse has nothing to do with it?  FUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOUUU
j/d: holy crap, we've broken the internal tvs 4th wall to reveal matthew fuckin' broderick.
j/d: "jesus , where is the cable guy?"
r/r: full disclosure: i love jack black. 
j/d: broderick calls jack black! he (broderick) broke up with a girl, and presumably has moved out after proposing to her. ooh, then she kicked him out. jackers is a camera guy who suggests bribing the cable guy for, well.. porn. then he calls robyn (who is the girl), hangs up and gets in the shower… ooh, opening credits.
r/r: uh, proposing is maybe not so easy to go back from...i can imagine someone freaking out and/or realizing that their relationship is untenable as a result of a poorly-thought out proposal.
r/r: matthew broderick shower scene?  do we really need this?  
j/d: cable guy! and broderick's in the shower… many rings and doorbuzzes by the cable guy. he leaves - matt tells him to wait!
r/r: ah, it has a narrative purpose!  or at least, a punchline-inducing purpose. 
j/d: oooh, jimmy
r/r: fuller disclosure!  i love jim carrey.
j/d: "well look who decided to show!"
j/d: he's aggressive in a weird way before joking. weird haircut. dude's fucked.
r/r: haha, the light in his eyes!  great directorial decision.
 turn around, bright eyes (link)
j/d: "the old mcnair place.  they had a lot of cats"
j/d: "perfectionissssst."  funny .
r/r: there's a fireplace?!  where does this guy live?
r/r: ...can we move in there?  you know, after transplanting it to toronto? 
j/d: cable guy checks out the pad, laying out cable-chi in broderick's swank-ass pad.
he talks dirty to the walls tracing cable, and everyone is sufficiently freaked out in a 90s EXTREME way.
r/r: gro...oss?
j/d: big drill time!
j/d: he knows matt's been kicked out by  a girl due to snooping. theres logical uncomfortableness.
r/r: that is oddly sexual, the push and drill and grunt over her name ("robin harris") 
j/d: lol, channelsurfing…. what is our obsession with surfing media?
r/r: jimmy the cable guy flips channels and comes back to the recurring plot of a tv covered trial featuring ben stiller's character who killed his twin actor ninja brother…. this man works a controller like mad.
r/r: eew, ballsweat.  sorry, people with balls!  it's know what, nevermind.  just digging a hole here.
r/r: haha!  what a darkly comic subplot.  i mean, i have a twin, so...
twin envy.
hahaha!  yeah right...she is a fantastic human being, and i am neato as well - each in our own right.  fuck competition!
j/d: broderick comes back from the shower he finished while the cable guy did his thing (??!!) to a reorganized apartment. papers are signed, cable guy goes to leave and a wild bribe appears.
r/r: goddam fucking pokemon.
r/r: uh-oh, did ferris bueller fuck with the wrong dude?  
r/r: jim carrey's eyebrows are awwwwwwesome, and so fucking nineties!
still from dark city, co-starring jennifer connely and her massive eyebrows.  so pretty! (link)
j/d: "you mean...illegal cable?"  
humorous bluff
j/d: cable guy is jerking his chain!
r/r: oh, apparently not to worry!  "i'll juice you up!  just one guy doing another guy a solid."
j/d: "i'll juice you up! call it one guy doing another guy a solid!"
ooh, look - cable is free now.
j/d: "you'll be surprised how many customers treat me like snot - like i'm a plumber!"
r/r: "hey, maybe i'll take you up to the satellite some time!  show you how this whole thing works."
foreshadowing!  dun dun dunnnn
j/d: a satellite is mentioned… ooh, intense - cable guy says they should hang out there shortly after giving matthew man his personal card - with a pager number!
j/d: things get awkward, and weird… pseudo date?
r/r: eee, david cross!  how fucking timely!  LOVE
j/d: whoa, this dude is an architect? i think? no fucking howard rourke here!
j/d: david cross!!
j/d: ooookay, his name is steve, maybe steveo? i dunno. is it robyn with a y? some douchebag at work, where steveo is an architect is asking about the breakup.
r/r: blahblah, boring douchetagonist. 
j/d: oooh, we cut to 'steveo' at home watching informercials about the guy from shallow hall - he goes to call, and shi shi - the cable guy is there.
r/r: the basic mechanism of capitalism - there's always something you need to buy!
j/d: "stevey, time to levy!!!"
r/r: ...the funbus?  i may not know my way around this whole internet here, but i know enough to be wary of boarding anything resembling a certain porn site.
j/d: what in the shit, the cable guy is there with his fun bus, to pick up.. steveo. he might have the steering wheel cover from dumb and dumber. 
j/d: he feigns drunk, then bitches about people not caring about cable while staring nowhere near the road and talking about the "information super highway"
j/d: montage aaaaaaand we're in the woods where cable guy comes to think.  hey, just thinking, don't go into strangers cars to drive hours into the dark woods to see satellites that send information and entertainment to millions of satisfied citizens if you don't know ANYTHING about the fucking crazy cable guy you're going with!
r/r: haha, the satellite - now i'm thinking of lestat chilling up there in queen of the damned.
go ahead.  bring it on! < /cheese> (link)
j/d: he basically explains the internet to us, and proports we can shop, see the louvre and play mortal combat vs vietnam?
r/r: is there male mud-wrestling?  i'm not...i guess i don't really want to know.  sorry dudes!
j/d: they're lying down on the sat and bitching about dads… what the fuck? apparently jim cable guy got beat up by dad and watch tv. 
r/r: oh man, them lying on the satellite looks so much like the eternal sunshine poster!  carreylove!  that movie is amazing.  maybe we should review it next!  and hey, david cross is in it too.
j/d: steveo's brother is a speech therapist…convenient.
r/r: that's kind of keeping in character with matthew broderick's character...kind of pushy, acts like he knows what's best 'cause that's what he vraiment believes.. 
j/d: he misses his lady.
r/r: aaah, bonding through misogyny!  oh wait - no!  shit!  he said just what i said!
j/d: this movie feels long. exposition, blah blah. where's jack black?
j/d: smart men don't take advice from strangers on what would now be considered anachronistic satellites. he also says weird things that turn out to be jerry springer's 'final thoughts.'
r/r: fuuu, jerry again. 
j/d: umm, sleepless in seattle apparently is like, woman bait? i don't understand.
r/r: yo, i ain't ever seen sleepless in seattle.  does that make me a non-woman, or am i saved by virtue of age/gender presentation? 
j/d: he doesn't know his name?!?!? (i said that already) earnie douglas? his friends call him chip? faaake! also, what is his business card? just a number. 
r/r: jim carrey has a very consistent character presence and face...i like his smiling, and..fuck!  i just think he's so rad!
r/r: leslie mann is win.  how sad that she got stuck in completely uncomedic "wifely" roles (this, big daddy orange county, stealing harvard - though she had her moments in that one)!  she's so funny and great.  and how convenient that her character is a stereotype!  chix loooove when dudez say "whatever."
whatever. (link)
j/d: oh, look - it's robyn!
he's playing it cool, and dropping the bait. it's well, sad and 90s.
j/d: MTfuckingV news drops info on the SAM SWEET CASE. he confessed later.
"oh my god, oh my god, my kid brother's been shot. i think it was an asian gang or something. i saw someone he looked asian. i heard them speaking another language. i'm pretty sure it was…. asian."
r/r: hahahaha asian gang!  speaking...asian!  fuck!  people still talk like this, oh man.  jokes about racism are win as well.
j/d: holy fucking shit it's time for the basketball, the FUCKING BASKETBALL
r/r: wow, their basketball team has a token black guy!  look, he stays in the background and doesn't speak at all!  what an amusing contrast to the above!
j/d: "we met on a routine installation."  har.
j/d: jack black is elfin, eh.
r/r/:  for real!
j/d: "… i don't want to pull a hammy." - we used to say this to each other consistently when i played hockey between the ages of 12-13.  hilarious.
r/r: this kind of intensity is super hilarious on screen, and would be suuuuper disturbing in life.  haha!  people.  i don't get 'em.
j/d: filter makes it intense and the "roundball" gets fucking rough. chip is tough! prison rules! he's open! he wants the rock! he's gonna go for it!!
r/r: nice music!!!!!!
j/d: he dunks off jack black's back and smashes the backboard - 90s! extreme! nice shot! BANG BANG!
r/r: oh, that seems...inconvenient.  admittedly intense...and then he falls into the glass?  yes, intense.  but when he stands up, his shirt and skin are both unmarred.  yay, movies! 
j/d: cactus jack?
j/d: heh, cable chip's basketball attire is humorous. stephen/steve is pissed about the breaking up of the game, and noone is held responsible for the backboard. chip offers a beer, and then umm, steveo says no, and goes home. chip is going to shower, and that's cool, cause he has shit to do.
            i'm kind of seeing somebody anyway...(link)
r/r: oh man, answering machines!
j/d: heh, 'steven, call your mother'…wow, chip left 10 messages.  10 needy, depressing, super sad messages. steveo ignores them.
j/d: robyn's here! he's playing some 90s music - they wear 90s clothes and drink 90s wine. yup. i will keep going with that. there's some bullshit, ablest dialogue, and steveo makes fun of his boss, and robyn chuckles, aaaaand sleepless is on.
r/r: woo?  or something?  i have...nothing to say about that movie.  i know so little about it.
-the cable is out! *fatality noise*
-he grabs the cable guys card, who will have this fixed in no time, and pages him.
j/d: aaaand chip knocks on the door, haughty and angry.
j/d: "hi, is there a problem with your service?"
"yeah, my cable is out:
*chip holds up cut up wire*
"really, so you called me? funny, how you call when you need something. is that how you treat people'?'
he barges in - creepy! intense confrontations abound. tomorrow, they hang out! anything chip wants. as a result, chip flicks a switch just down the wall. the aforementioned cut cord was just for effect. chip leaves, but advices steveo not to touch robyn.
r/r: yo, that's good advice.  abstain!  it will increase the likelihood that she will think about you and feel comfortable with you again, if you demonstrate that you are able to hold back.  restraint is key in relationships.
r/r: song???  shit, i don't know what it is!
r/r: hahaha "no time" indeed.
r/r: "ta-da...all set!"
j/d: tom hanks, ladies and gentlemen!
j/d: chip is parked out front of the apartment in the cable van watching sleepless in seattle with him… they flash back, and mommy is leaving him with MR BABYSITTER aka the tv. theres some old as teevee featuring racist people and retro shit, and it's all very, well, i guess it works?
r/r: ernie flashback?
r/r: mr. babysitter?  that's an odd name.  
r/r: haha, hypermasculine media and no reflection of mr. babysitter and/or his influence...which seemed ominous.
j/d: cut forward to steveo and chip, and steveo's not peaking at their surprise destination, the finest restaurant in town, medieval times…they go in.
j/d: "i knew you'd like this place, i come here twice a week!"
r/r: janeane garofelo!!!  fuck yeah!!!
j/d: janine!
r/r: i have never been to medieval times.  perhaps one day?  but i don't think i'm really into the food.
j/d: they order drinks. i couldn't do that. i couldn't go to this place. while i appreciate cool renaissance-esque things, i can't go to a place with that many people and eat food with my hands, and listen to them chomp and talk, and blah blah - it's so close.
andy dick is the king, and the red knight's going down.
r/r: andy dick!
j/d: ha, no utensils, see what i mean! fuck!
r/r: hahah but there were anarchy tats and nose rings
j/d: eww, chicken skin becomes silence of the lambs. grossssssssssssssssss (nice sssssentence i have here)
r/r: oh man, wipe your face! gross!  however, silence of the lambs is pretty great.
r/r: now his name is chip?
r/r: the guitar in this fight scene reminds me of aurora by veruca salt, and i wish that's what they were fighting to.
j/d: stephen m. kovacs vs. chip douglas? they're doing fucking battle! he gives the knights free cable and they're gonna go at it for a while.
"is it safe?'"
"sure that's what the armour is for!"
j/d: they're fighting with armour, and it's fucky. swords and maces and running oh my!
jim carrey is fucked up… was batman forever right after this? if i had a fact checker i'd know. anyway, chip plays possum and steve gets brained.
r/r: hahaha pretty much!
j/d: intense silverchair during fighting! 90s! extreme!!
r/r: wait, is this silverchair?  this is totally silverchair!!!!!
r/r: aaah!  it's blind!!!  haha, silverchair kind of sucked back then, even if i love and loved them.
j/d: betcha they wrote that song because of korn.
j/d: now we're referencing star trek, and it doesn't quiiiiite line up with jimmy's crazy sound effects, but they're hilarious.
r/r: oh man, i just clued in that this was star trek...i'm the worst.
i got a xmas time for a TREE!
j/d: this spot-on recreation of vintage star trek reminds me a lot of community.
r/r: word!
j/d: chip wins and andy dick carries steve-o away.  poor fucking steve-o.
j/d: "buddy, get on the friggin horse, i don't think he's kidding!"
"'this is your destiny!:
"no it's not!"
"yes it is"
"no it's not"
"yes it is"
r/r: wait, jim carrey won the "duel," and matthew broderick won the joust.  therefore matthew broderick wins?  wtf?
j/d: they've reached climax of competition already?
and, steveo wins the fucking JOUSTING, and thus the competition? now he's cracking chips back in a hallway and he's talkin about robyn.
j/d: "nobody loves you"
r/r: what?  oh man, when?  you are a creeeeeeep.
j/d: oooh, surprise reveal - karaoke system. creepy crazy mother fucker…. also, i'm just gonna say, this 'updated home entertainment system' with thx quality sound* is waaaay to big for bro's house. steveo freaks out, and eventually dude agrees to take it away.
r/r: aww, i actually...i love karaoke.
j/d: yeeeah, pretty sure thx certification - and that's what it is, certification - is only acquired by having a trained and registered thx engineer come and ensure that sound levels are properly calibrated at various points in a theatre, and meet specific sound standards. not just that some speakers have had a plastic decal screwed on.
r/r: matthew broderick is a creep now too!  haha, good thing it was chip instead of robin.  wait, now matthew broderick calls him chip? 
-eww, steveo's at the office and chip calls pretending to be robyn - he's getting the gear taken away. but tonight, KARAOKE JAM!!! at sad jam, a phonecall reveals that robyn is dating another guy - 'chip' somehow realizes this. a lisp tape is exchanged, and i am offended. fuck this guy. time out for drinking. a party rages on and it turns sinister eventually for now i chug my beer.
r/r: oh, her bed's so pretty!  and the wallpaper!  but yo, that bed is like, a twin at absolute max.  perhaps not ideal for boning.
r/r: look at his fringe jacket and his ankh!  i have to admit, i can totally see this guy existing in his own awesome universe of loving to dress up and play pretend and make wacky relationships of mutual yield - but of course the film is more hilarious and dark than that.
r/r: lose your lisp?  that's potentially risky, buddy!
j/d: cute girl among old people at party, and "he who hesitates, masturbates," and heather is introduced. she wears 90s clothes and drinks tequila, and RICK who is jack black is there, and his jacket is vintage and he will fucking SOCK YOUR NOSE! 

(it's a nice jacket) he and that guy, ummm, chip have an exchange.
r/r: "like a lampshade?"  lol, i've never heard that one before!
j/d: there's a cop at this party?!?
r/r: who's this raoul?  he looks way familiar.
r/r: aah...raoul.

j/d: okay, chip's gonna do a song, and i'll admit, the first time i saw this movie was the first time i heard this 'don't you want somebody to love' some by jefferson, and at this point in my life, it's still my second favourite usage in a movie.
r/r: this song is well-suited to film, it seems.
r/r: i've seen that guy before too!  does that count as cameo counting?  haha, probably not
j/d: heather and steveo to the bedroom!! aaaand, jim carrey's wailing and being his typical self here - also, if jim carrey is misspelled, please disregard… i just now turned off autocorrect… oops.
r/r: the other room?  noice.
r/r: that is an impressive amount of vocal control.
r/r: she's...going to give him a haircut?  nineties sex, man.  i don't get it.
j/d: steveo's getting a haircut.
r/r: i would still party with jim carrey.  i don't give a fuck!
j/d: chip bursts in and takes a polaroid of steveo and heather going at it, the rest of the party in tow behind him.
r/r: wait, maybe not, then.
r/r: how much is this actress reminding me of the woman from the coffeeshop that ross fucks while he and rachel are on a break?
the answer: about as much as i want to die for having referenced that!  whoopee!
j/d: ren and stumpy in the morning.
j/d: whoa, chip is wearing steveo's clothes and making bacon and eggs.
r/r: whee!  bonding over the consumption of women's bodies!  we're bffs!
j/d: "where did heather go?"
aaaand there's eventually a reveal here that heather is a prostitute, and well, that's some bullshit, because of the objectification and commodifaction of women which is bullllllshit.
r/r: waaaaah i slept with a sex worker, and couldn't figure it out based on the nineties movies conventions of leopard print and exhibiting sexuality!  nooooo booooo etc.  nobody cares, matthew broderick. you had fun?  you were good to her?  no big deal.
j/d: i think they imply that chip banged her about a week ago too.
j/d: now i want bacon and eggs…
r/r: i love when he breaks and has a 'jim carrey voice.'  still not going to lie!
j/d: aand now there's a freakout by steveo… serious question; can one really consider matthew broderick as a legitimate actor compared to the like of jim carrey? like, one of them has created a character here, and the other is reading lines about the same as he did as ferris bueller.
r/r: yo, i so agree with you.  and yet one of these dudes has been in multiple broadway shows, and it's not jim fucking carrey! (though i loved the film version of the producers, and still do).
j/d: sooo, robyn is on a date with owen wilson, who's not high, and chip's in the bathroom and robyn's sexy, and she heard him and now there's a throwdown where chip pays off the anachronistic bathroom employee. whoa, reveal, owen wilson is a dick.
r/r: sweaters on dates.  all i see is darryl.  

j/d: "what's the deal with our chicken? have the eggs had a chance to hatch yet?"
j/d: he doesn't actually care about her job. just pee and chicken. wait, what?
r/r: haha ben stiller directs owen wilson exaaaactly the same as he directs jim carrey!  that's damn funny.
r/r: owen wilson is doing a terrible job in this scene...he looks like he is being tickled with a sponge.
j/d: umm,  chip is creepy and talks to a peeing dude, who hides in a stall which chip follows him into, only to flush owen wilson in a toilet and beat the shiiiiiiiiiishit out of him before stealing his jacket and making threats about robyn. well alrighty then.
r/r: i don't like watching the violence as it becomes sexualized, which is inevitable in a context of intimidation.  it makes me uncomfortable and sad.
j/d: news exposition. sam sweet - who writes this? frank miller, not really. if he did, there would be more roooooobocop.
 exactly like rowboat cop.  sheree is a bad rowboat.  you have to sink her! (link)
r/r: haha "brother sweet brother the killing of sam sweet"
j/d: cable guy visits robyn, her cable is fine, and he's going to upgrade her to the rainbow package. creeper. steveo said so, right?
r/r: yo, buddy.  you're no fucking candygram.  and you'd better be no fucking rapist either.

j/d: and now chip crawls around her ducts, watching her get dressed, and well, being a sick fuck.
r/r: ugh!  it was creepy when it was anthony perkins, and it's creepy as fuck when it's you!
r/r: "that was hot up there."  WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY.
j/d: he falls down. his work is done. her sweater is 90s. he sexually harasses her. she disregards. they talk. people bonded. she asks. he avoids. they chat. he dawdles. she laughs. he questions. she averts. he empathizes. she bites. he fakes. she obliges. he leaves. she's confused.
r/r: this is very...happy gilmore.
yeah, she fell off a cliff or some shit. (link)
r/r: ....what? since when is dropping the possibility of having boundaries a good relationship strategy?
j/d: he's on-site - he's in the quarry! he should run in and have his way with dominique - no rules!
r/r: hahahahahaha
j/d: jack black is there, and umm, i'm pretty sure they were supposed to see soundgarden right now? or he's wearing a soundgarden shirt. rick is pissed. he's a real friend. he killed his best friend or you people!
-its raining. trick number two in the tom haverford playbook. chip meets steveo outside and offers an olive branch in the form of creeping robyn earlier, which steveo uses as a reason to ignore this motherfucker. jim carrey is fucking hard.
r/r: what's with this danny elfman-esque score music as steve-o goes home and leaves chip in the rain?
j/d: there's some sappy ass music and i think we're supposed to empathize with chip, cause his life is kinda rough. chip calls robyn at work. ooookay, she's as surprised as me. he's worrying about steveo. something isn't right . he doesn't seem like himself lately. and chip's hanging from a pole. he feels better though. nervous nelly and whatnot. robyn should;t worry. yup. phone call. creeper. jim carrey uses buhbye all the time!
r/r: haha lady socialization: be cautious...but you still have to be nice and sweet and accomodating!
r/r: i like that shot of jim against the highrises, hanging from the cable post!
j/d: steveo rourke is moving on up!! but his meeting is interrupted - by the COP FROM THE PARTY!!! HE HAD STOLEN PROPERTY! FAFUCKINGTALITY… okay, it's nowhere near as exciting as this. actually, it's a little lame. flashback. he knows chip did this
r/r: omg is that the black cop from 7th heaven who was friends with revcam?
 it totally is him!  hahaha! (link)
r/r: wait, what?  they arrest white dudes for stealing cable and tvs now?  i mean, then?
j/d: flashforward - in jail his dad is pissed. why would he accept such extravagant gifts?
"are you taking the pot?"
"umm, i am"
r/r: hahahahahahah taking the pot.
j/d: it's killing his mother! killing his mother! killing his mother
j/d: county lock up. umm, here are some jail stereotypes, and they make me sad for america, and white people, and me for living in this world. hey, ben stiller: fuuuuu
r/r: ugh, prison rape jokes.  how can we with good conscience accept that these are inhumane conditions and simultaneously sentence people to serving within them?  so horrifying and hopeless.
j/d: chip shows up to meet steveo in jail. his real name is LARRY TATE. thats fake too. i know these things. amazing kraken and everything.
r/r: "No, i taught you a lesson."
oh my god
that is so scary
so abusive
j/d: powerplay and more sexual harassment. 90s.
"ohh billy"
j/d: that was a soundbite for a while
r/r: holyshit i remember that.
no no no.  no no.  no no no no.

r/r: and hey, he wasn't holding the phone there!  continuity!
j/d: steveo tries to illustrate chiplarryjim's guilt and involvement to a guard who is clearly on the take for a premium sports package.
j/d: this amounts to nothing and chiplarrycable threatens robyn sorta.
j/d: "this concludes our broadcast day."  this is in the truman show too, no?
r/r: aww, i appreciate that jack black is able to rep being insulted for having had his friendship taken for granted!  he makes me smile.  in fact, with his re-appearance, the air in here is getting kind of...

j/d: rick is mad at steveo but will check out larry tate chip douglas - it all sounds familiar.
r/r: why is matthew broderick so slapstick?  are other people that way too, and i just haven't noticed?
j/d: robyn and steveo are at a date at steveo's parents and FUCKING CHIP IS HERE… again, i've seen this movie. wow, he and robyn had lunch the other day.
r/r: who is his dad?  i've seen him before maybe?
j/d: whelp, this is fuuucked.
j/d: at dinner chiplarryjim makes fun of steveo, telling a completely bogus version of the medieval nights story.
r/r: porno password?  white people are crazy!  who plays that shit with your parents?
j/d: now they play porno password, amongst the family… umm, why? chip is weird.
r/r:  the password is "vagina."  you give the clue "woman."  you = stupid.
j/d: "i would have said schlong" - haha! herr schlange is a song i release next week, the second in a series of 3 songs collected as  a promotional sampler of our upcoming EP.
r/r: man, he is doing a great job of making matthew broderick look like a tool.
j/d: y'know chiplarryjim's incriminating photo aint that incriminating
j/d: this would be uncomfortable, trying to make your family discern the word nipple in a sexual context, i bet.
r/r: but why would you have to use a sexual context?  i mean, it's a nipple.  a good half of them have a primary function that has little to do with sex.
j/d: ha, the password is clitoris.
r/r: ah, now this're kind of stuck with the sex side of things with this one.  unless you go with a seinfeld reference.
j/d: steveo freaks out as a result, accusations are tossed down, and i drink some more beer. umm, then things get heated, and steveo punches chiplarryjim
r/r: yo, gaslighting is fucking terrifying.
r/r: yikes, scrolling text screensaver hacks!  lol, 90s.
j/d: white zombie! dude (steveo) is late for work, but nobody noticed, and his screensaver (which is lame and i forgot to mention earlier) has been changed to a threatening message from chiparryjim who has emailed the earlier period of slagging his boss during sleepless in seattle to the entire firm of whoeverandkeating (not what rourke belongs to, but hey). shit gets weird and in the parking lot during his inevitable escape, steveo encounters jason who is chiplarryjim, but he gets away.
r/r: bahaha!  white zombie!
r/r: predictable, but appreciated.
r/r: lucky for matthew broderick, dude had such a reliable m.o.!
j/d: at steveo's apartment rick who is jackblack calls him to tell him, this dude is crazy, and gets fired from lots of cable companies (how many does whatever fucking city this is have) while using fake names that are obviously characters from fairly popular television shows and should not have attached SIN numbers.
r/r: whoa!  he doesn't even work for the cable company!  what a twist!
r/r: this city has more cable companies than people of colour - i've counted two so far!
j/d: apparently he has a past, and has stalked many customers and may not even be a cable guy. weird, and a creepy depiction of how cyberstalking ends up working.
j/d: more sam sweet on the tv.
is this the age of make-believe / or a reality series?
j/d: steveo's sleeping, and dreams of a super creepy, hilarious gibberish speaking jump-kicking cable guy. jim carrey has white outs in, so its fake, but his staircase thing is boss.
j/d: "i just wanna hang out, no big deal"
r/r: ooookie dokie, it's a dream.  and the doors are here?  in spirit, anyway?
j/d: disco doors backlight nightmare chase scene unfolds.
r/r: wouldn't it be awesome if the woman he was meeting was the sex worker from earlier?  heather, i think she was called?
j/d: phone rings, and it's the real chiplarryjimcableguy. they have a verbal throw down. fake call waiting occurs, and it's funny and creepy, cause well, this movie is like the fucked up dark comedy version of pirates of the caribbean, and chiplarryjim is jack sparrow - when he's one screen, you're like yay, and if not, you wonder where he is any way, more threats about robyn.
j/d: umm, steveo drives to her house, and an old woman reveals robyn and chiplarryjim are riding on the information superhighway.
r/r: HAHAHAHA OH DEAR!  information superhighway!  "the future is now!  soon every american home will integrate their television, home, and computer!"
so prescient and relevant and anachronistic at the same time!  the logical conclusion:
j/d: jump to the satelittle again.. the future IS now
"soon every home in american home will integrate their home, television and computer…."
we can do all the things he says we can and more and it's fucking creepy, 'cause this is the guy that knows all of this, and we're all, (well i'm not) having to protect ourselves from him.
r/r: why is she worried about steven?  is she just saying that so he'll let her leave?  that would make sense.
j/d: robyn wants to go home. chiplarryjim disagrees, and conveniently steveo shows up at the apex of all this. he gets to the top and she's tied up to a cable.
j/d: "steven, look out!"
"yeah steven, look out!"
r/r: haha he's like a lemguin!
j/d: sneak-chiplarryjim-attack into a waterworld attack. this dude emerged from a trapdoor on satellite to start a fight. cheap, cheap, cheap.
j/d: steven punches chips lisp off and back on, and that's never happened to me so fuck everything about this part.
r/r: heh, danger music.  wonder how they did this scene?  i mean, which came first, the carrey or the score?
j/d: "you know, the trouble with real life is, there's no danger music."
r/r: aww, goodbye, jim carrey.  you have convincing pathos and unpredictable animosity.  
r/r: um...this scene has odd remeniscence of this one?

j/d: the cops show up, and they start climbing to the top of the sat and chiplarryjim becomes a random quotation machine. he has no plan and is going moment to moment, and thinks this is a cool place for an ending like golden eye. the fuzz are everywhere and there are helicopters and chiplarryjim has a staple gun and none of this is going to end well… he just wanted to be steveo's friend, but he screwed it up. 
r/r: okay, now it's like annie.  a LOT.
j/d: at this point, the helicopter cops are talking to chiplarryjim and he thinks they want to chill out and watch teepee and then starts yelling at his mom and ben stiller and whoever the fuck writes this is kinda confusing, this is all the fault of the huxtables, bradys and cunninghams. emotional breakdown, fuck yeah!
r/r: of course!  it's his mother's fault!  how could i have missed that, when basically every other story conspires to tell me that this is the case?
j/d: he drops the staple gun and gets an idea.
"thats it, that's what i have to do, yup."
j/d: steveo says they should all go out for heinekens. chiplarryjim says 'thats okay, i'm not thirsty.' and jumps.
r/r: self-awareness breaks the wall in an awkward way here ("i mean, look at me, come on!")...but i kind of like it?
he grabs on, and there's a cute discussion that includes 'yeah, but i get really lonely, look at me!' this is all really intense and i think maybe the cable guy is anonymous? 'somebody has to kill the babysitter,.'
r/r: what?  the babysitter?  his babysitter, who was conspicuously absent from the narrative?  what?  what the hell is going on!  why do i drink while we watch these movies?
j/d: shshi the sam sweet verdict is coming on teepee and chiplarryjim jumped. news and falling montage and ben stiller is (kyle gas!!!!!)
r/r: rip, whateveryournameis.  that was a pretty tragicomedy death sequence.
j/d: everyone's cable is gone. people are confused and ask for help, hitting teevees, andy dick smokes, kyle gas is back and decides to read (mother of god!)…  people generally reconnect with life, and teevee itself literally flows throw chiplarryjim in his current state, impaled by like, a super robocop information spike. 
xander?  i can't see you. (link)
he makes some like, car 52 references and medical and cops show up. he's getting airlifted now. to a hospital. that sounds fun. he says steven and robyn are gonna be okay. steven asks his real name, and after asking if he really wants to know if steveo wants to know his real name, chiplarryjim says his name is ricardo, ricky ricardo. at this point in time the troll 'problem?' face is born, and chiplarryjimricardo says he's just joking.
r/r: or wait, maybe he's not dead.
r/r: how anticlimactic. 
r/r: "oh shit, he's coughing.  we'd better load him into the ambulance now."  what?  haha, i love lucy music.
r/r: lol @ dudez writing movies with convoluted plotlines to allow them to get back with ladiez/not being able to conceive of another way to integrate ladiez into the story
-meanwhile in the helicopter, the medic says 'you're going to make it buddy!' and chipklarryjimrickyricardo is all 'hey… am i really your buddy?' and dude says, sure, and then BOOM! Alice in Chains.
r/r: alice in chains?  holy shit, movie!  i am impressed.  
r/r: and it's over!
j/d: i guess this movie's pretty good - y'know? like, it has its points. the plot doesn't contradict itself, and no one actor is particularly bad at like, acting, or seeming not bad at it (except for broderick, who is insanely one note, all the time, and who i will forever despise as a man who murdered inspector gadet).  i guess if someone came up to me and asked, "hey, have you seen the cable guy?" i wouldn't pretend i hadn't to avoid a conversation pertaining to whatever sucks the most about it.  don't get me wrong, there are a lot of things that suck about it; i just don't think the average dicknose knows.  all in all, what does one have to do to make a really good movie? more than these guys did… but i guess they did the nominal bit to achieve a decent movie. so i mean, i like it - just not a lot… 
r/r: i agree with you, and i also want to note that making comedy of non-consent is also a huge theme here.  the whole plot and pretty well every minor and major conflict hinge on non-consent, and it's generally framed in a humorous way.  non-consent basically drives the entire movie, and that's not even going into detail about the scenes that make comedy of sexual violence. 

our verdict?
...pretty much a movie!

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