Thursday, March 29, 2012

movie review: siblings.

siblings
(link)
canadian release date: 2004
writer: jackie may
director: david weaver
starring: alex campbell, paul soles, andrew chalmers, sarah polley, martha burns

fun fact!  i mistakenly believed this film was starring a culkin, and this was a significant motivation for both of us to watch it.  
it's a fact.
needless to say, i was wrong...but the overwhelming canadian media connections were a suitable consolation.  judge for yourself after the jump!
j/d: the poster for this movie features blurbs from both NOW magazine and efilm critic. i am… potentially discouraged… apparently one of the writers was also a writer on ytv's freaky stories (seriously, it happened to a friend of a friend of mind). strap in, folks. 
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j/d: i am pretty sure i don't have enough beer for the entire duration of the film. this makes me a sad panda.
r/r: the canadian film centre logo looks like a greeting card here.  that's...not really a positive, in my mind.
j/d: ooh good, the canadian film centre helped.
r/r: lol, how many canadian indie films are centred around xmas?  we should definitely review cooper's camera at some point.
j/d: hey man, we're looking at a old road, and some trees in the country during the winter. nice and snowy. some guy's telling some kid about how family will never leave him. joseph is the kid, and grandpa just died while have yourself a merry christmas or whatever plays.
r/r: that's artie rosen from less than kind, motherfucker!!!  i loooove less than kind!  he was also in adoration, and an episode of road to avonlea!  canadian connection, woohoo!
                                 
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shit, buddy was also the voice of spider-man and the dentist elf from rudolph!
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r/r: joseph seemed disinterested in this conversation until he started speaking, but that may have been just his focus being spent on keeping pace with the slow, old man.  
r/r: aww, the dog wants to make him live!  or to eat him, and he can't figure out how to get the old guy out of his wrappings in order to do so.  man's best friend!
j/d: thankfully, we move forward in time and the video quality has (marginally) improved… although, we appear to be very much not too far forward here. shitty budget, i guess.
people's clothes are thrown on different beds, as though packing. socks and stockings and bowties and shoes go on as the camera spins a 360 to jungle music, which was so popular in the late 90s, which isn't when this movie is from…
r/r: i suppose these people are getting ready for the funeral?  they seem fairly young.
r/r: that little girl looks like bubbles, not going to lie.
                 
somethin's fucky. (link)
r/r: holy shit, she's in the stone angel.  and also less than kind!  fuckin'A, my friends.
r/r: you know, i think i'd like to start wearing mascara.
j/d: alright, everybody's dressed and in the living room now. except for the fighting parents. one of the children smokes, a dog is sad, and theres lots of swearing and homophobia upstairs, but hey, that's parents and christmas.
r/r: the kids are downstairs, presumably after the funeral, listening to their parents have a massive fight on xmas.
j/d: "we can always just kill them," a little girl says.
r/r: bubblette suggests they kill them!  but this suggestion is countered by a young boy saying that "mom's sometimes nice."
j/d: teen girl smokes. old dude says "listen," and the dad asks if they're yelling in a loving and happy manner.
r/r: oh, i guess they haven't left for the funeral.  is the dog coming?  "i want mahler to come!"
j/d: i guess it's grandpa's funeral now, and that's too bad, cause he seemed pretty cool. it's full on snowy now and these kids are sad. 
r/r: i thought that burials didn't occur during frozen months?
j/d: "well, life's gonna suck now."
j/d: "he's not going to come out of there, is he?"
"no he's not"
"are you sure about that?" 
r/r: aww, poor kid is worried about zombies!  at least, that's how i choose to interpret it.
j/d: margaret needs to let her sister pee, or maybe she'll get killed too.
j/d: these people are weird, and their exchanges are tense. joseph throws something in grandpa's grave. i think it was a purple.
r/r: seems like these kids really relied on their grandfather.  older girl's name seems to be margaret!  older kids = joseph and margaret.  young kids = ? and bubblette.
r/r: sarah polley, smokin' figuratively and literally!  hooded eyes peering through wind-swept bangs, braids peeking out from a tuque.  possibly two scarves, one black and one blue.  breath plumes around the cigarette smoke; canadian girls in wintertime.  fuck you, global warming - you can't take that away from me.
j/d: sarah polley is here, stalking the funeral and smoking, she's got courage, yo.
 
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r/r: she's carrying a copy of manufacturing consent.  that seems like an important detail.
j/d: she's also got a hat, and braids, and a book… and i kinda doubt she actually smokes.  but still. i like hats and braids and smokes.
r/r: oh hey!  amanda seyfreid is like a voluptuous sarah polley.
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j/d: "well i'll be."
what will you be, sarah?
r/r: hahaha platter-lady "i - dont - know - quite - what - to - do with"
j/d: back at the house, people are sorry for the children's loss during such a busy time of year. there's a portrait of the grandpa, it's not bad - the little girl's name is danielle, and she's writing a poem.
r/r: bubblette is struggling to write a poem for some sort of pageant.  i hope that comes back later!
r/r: aaah that's nicole's dad from the sweet hereafterrrrrrr yessssss
canadian connexions
i mean it.  it was awesome.  (link)
j/d: some guy shows up, and the dog farts. its name is potter, and it's accompanied by pete, who is a young man. he knows that "a stroke is when blood clogs up your brain."
r/r: potter farted!  
r/r: young kids = pete and bubblette/danielle! got it.
j/d: there's some intense confusion about twice removed step-parents, siblings and family in general. 
r/r: haha yeah...i did not follow those family connections.  i don't even know what to call my cousin's children, for fuck's sake!  very amusing.
j/d: the older kids are actually no blood relation. i'm sure this is relevant to our
interests. 
j/d: the guy that just showed up and made the dog fart has a quick drink with alfred hitchcock, aaaaand new scene!
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r/r: this guy's profile looks like a beluga whale!  (whoops, sorry, hitchcock) like, a lot!  and he told gramps never to take up jogging.  that'd sure fool death!
j/d: is this the 'mom'? i think so. yup. she tells margaret to cover her tits. and tells joseph, who is a jew because his mother was a jew to get a haircut because he looks like a jew. she then attacks danielle calling her a retard, and this is all kinda confusing - but hey, she's been drinking, soooo, like ya know, whatever.
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r/r: a lot of canadian media tends to really recognize the prevalence of anti-semitism, and consequently feature a lot of jewish representation.  i think that's important.
j/d: she mentioned that grandpa left them some money.
r/r: she's dressed like such the evil stepmother here, especially the gold jewellery.  it's a little tacky and obvious, but maybe that's the point?                       
r/r: "i'm not retarded, i just wear glasses!"
r/r: poor potter is so farty!  he's just trying to express his grief through his anus.
j/d: now the dog, who is a shit factory is kicked out of the house for the funeral reception, and pete, who i mentioned the name of above, is apparently "as queer as a 3 dollar bill" 'cause he wore a pink shirt. this lady is real nice.
r/r: "you're a little queer, aren't you?"  do you think she means he's a little bit queer, or he's a queer who is little?  haha, just kidding - she means she's a bigot! 
r/r: pro tip: use adjectives when discussing people, not nouns.
j/d: r/r's probably mentioned it, but this cast makes her very happy with all of its canadiana
r/r: 
                                     quite! (link)
r/r: that guy plays jim sheridan on less than kind!  fuck yeah, canadian media is waaaay incestuous (fitting, from what i understand about this movie)
r/r: oh, and he's mega creepy in this!  who the fuck is he?  trying to molest her in front of her sort of brother like that - and the stepmom was on the other side of the room too?  fuck!
j/d: this guy, whoever the hell he is in the context of the movie is pervy and i can't understand all of his mumbling… he sexually harasses margaret anyway, grabbing at her skirt and invading her space, while the stepmom and joseph are there.
r/r: so many drunk people slurring in this movie - makes it hard to catch the dialogue.
j/d: everyone runs away, and joseph asks anger mom about the money, which leads to more shit.
r/r: lol, anger mom
r/r: i like margaret's makeup.  and their discussions of how to kill the parents.  oh grossss, jim sheridan is the step-dad, too!  no wonder the step-mother shames her step-daughter's body...that's so horrible and victim blame-y in the way that...often connects mothers and daughters.
j/d: the kids discuss more about killing these parents, margaret is worried about getting attacked, and joseph is 18 in 6 months, so he can get the inheritance then, and help them get out.
j/d: "could you taste mouse poison in jam?" danielle is funny.
r/r: poor little buddy, really wanted to impress his step-mom with the pink shirt!  haha, so cute!
r/r: to older women talking about the poor, bereft son (joseph?), sarah polley adds that he is "very reliable, very, reliable.  he comes, right on the dot.  sorry about that."  all drawled through mouthfuls of what appears to be a very dense cake.
j/d: apparently joseph is quite the reliable guy, heh.
j/d: stepdad is a drunk asshole, and stepmom is hammered too, some guy runs off, offended. another fight is almost started.
r/r: this family makes everyone uncomfortable, myself included.
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j/d: danielle is in he room, working on that poem.
j/d: pete is ironing his cool shirt.
r/r: his pyjamas match the shirt too!  wacky!  i think i might worry about a child that age ironing without burning himself or setting a fire...but children frighten me.
j/d: margaret is looking at a picture.
r: i wonder what the picture is that margaret is clutching?  looks like a younger version of herself.  
j/d: joseph smokes drinks and reads.
j/d: a vocoder song wiggles in he background
r/r: cool escape route!  that's some convenient architecture.
r/r: eh?  where'd he go?  is that sarah polley he's watching undress?
j/d: joe is sneaking out. that's how he rolls. he's cool like that. he's running through a field, aaaand now he's approaching sarah polley's house, i think… he watches her change through the window. i guess he's creepy like that. that said, apparently i's time for sarah to play some clitar hero, which is pretty cool i guess. oh! she knew he was there. eventually she turned the light of. ooooh, she's sneaky? maybe? this is ….something.
r/r: i wonder if it isn't perhaps more trouble than it's worth to jack it in the icy air like that.
r/r: "like clockwork."
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i thought she knew he was there!  it did all seem rather posed.
j/d: hey, stepdad is crawling up the stairs fucking druuuunk in a housecoat.
j/d: all of the kids become nervous when he knocks over a lamp.
r/r: they are making this progression of step-fucker down the hallway very slow and ominous.
j/d: he's at margaret's room, but boom! it's joe. he'll save the day.
r/r: standoff!
j/d: "it's late, why are you up so late?"
"'well, i'm up late most nights."
"you're up late most what?"
j/d: this is intense, but it reminds me of jim lahey a bit. joe scares him off though.
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r/r: margaret has a neat jacket on!  and a sleepy, feline attitude that makes her seem drugged.
j/d: now margaret is bailing. she can do better than this tom guy, joe tells her. "no i can't," she says. potter and danielle saw it all break down.
j/d: this all devolves into a scene where the kids hang out in joe's room, cause danielle wants to be read to and pete thinks maybe grandpa might be haunting them cause he smelled pee. the kids ask about the book joe's reading, which leads to a discussion about sex which is a voicerover for really lame sex that margaret experiences. i guess she could do better than this tommy guy.
r/r: phillip roth to take her mind off things?  not fucking likely, with the amount of predatory characters in his books. 
r/r: "it kind of smelled like pee in my room.  i thought that might be him!"  haha aww
r/r: that's a good and interesting question, why sex in the books.  i wouldn't have minded a bit more discussion, or at least something that provoked a deeper connection to the film than terrible sex for margaret.  ugh, so depressing.
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r/r: whose car did sarah polley just key? 
r/r: what's on joseph's face?
r/r: so many questions.
j/d: next morning, joseph is getting ready to fix stepdad's car, but he's gone and had potter put down… 
r/r: what the fuck, did he kill the dog?!  when does this movie get funny?
j/d: joseph asks if they care what this will do to danielle, and the mom says danielle's lucky she wasn't put down… 
r/r: uh, lady?  you know we don't "put down" "half-wits," even "years ago?"  your dialogue and bigotry are maaad contrived.
j/d: there's a fight, stepdad beats up joseph and drives off, and some jungle music is bumping again. it doesn't fit so well… 
r/r: this guitar is stuuuuuupid
poor choice.
r/r: what is the significance of that metal dealy filled with fluid that joseph was staring at? 
j/d: the rest of this scene is confusing. he lies on the ground near some discarded car fluids - transmission fluid? oil? BRAKE FLUID?! i bet it's brake fluid.
meanwhile,  sarah polley was stalking him back now/again?
r/r: uh-oh, now he has to break the news to bubblette. 
j/d: joe goes to tell danielle about potter. she's making an angel costume for a recital. someone said this was a dark comedy. it's not funny at any point yet.
r/r: she's so upset she wants a cigarette!  "i really think i need one!"
j/d: oooh, kids meeting in the kitchen. danielle wants a cigarette now she really thinks she needs one.
r/r: "joe?  potter won't rot, will he?  they'll just burn him up or something, right?" this kid's morbid need for reassurance/ need for morbid reassurance is so adorable, i really dig it
j/d: margaret thinks "they should be hung by their fucking nipples, someone should tear their skin from them"
i like this opinion on people that mistreat animals.
j/d: joseph drops that bomb about the brake fluid, which i called, and says they don't need to get that stuff done, "'cause…because i killed them."
r/r: oh, they might already be dead?  is that the significance of whatever he was staring at?  i guess i should shut up and find out.  oh, brake fluid!  he was changing the pads and they just drove off. 
j/d: ha! he didn't put the brake fluid back, and when they just drove off during the shakedown, they probably died… my dad was a mechanic, and let me tell you - shit like this happens all the time!
r/r: how much of this did sarah polley see?  she seems to spend a lot of time creeping around there.  they should maybe get a cat.
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j/d: they go driving to find them, and yup - they're fucking dead yo.
r/r: "they went over, all right.  there really is a santa claus." (margaret)
j/d: ha! "i'm a murderer!"
r/r: "what if they're not dead?  what if they're just all..bashed up?"
r/r: you know, for giving such intense subject matter for margaret to deal with, they're really giving quite a shallow representation of her character.
j/d: cute argument about how people lie to cops as murderers, motives, moneys, tampering with evidence, odd arguments to have really.
r/r: ha, funny tense close-shot
j/d: danielle wonders if they will take them away (separate the kids) 
j/d: margaret comes back up and pukes 'cause "they're dead alright" but luckily she doesn't get any on her nice docs.
j/d: "what do we do now?' pete asks"
j/d: ironic phone message about remaining strong for the children cause they depend on them… they're trying to figure out what to do, and how to start revealing that the parents are missing.
r/r: "are you going somewhere?"
"out!"
kind of fun to hear so many people say "out" in "canadian."
j/d: a horn honks, and margaret has to go. joseph thinks she should stay. their conversation gets tense again. tommy's honking the horn because he's excited for his patented shitty fucking.
r/r: hey, margaret, do you know what i think?  i think you shouldn't run to meet a dude who's fucking whaling on his horn for you to come outside, 'cause that shit is rude!
r/r: sarah polley's still reading the same book, binoculars in tow, being a sexy creep.  her hair's down now.
j/d: sarah polley is out in the woods eating chips reading and stalking with binoculars. "someone is home late." it's morning time and tom drops margaret off. sarah polley is watching as margaret finds a body on the front lawn.
j/d/: "jesus fucking christ!" eats a chip.
r/r: what is out there?  what's going on?  oh man, did he try to climb out of the wreckage?  very dolores claiborne.
File:DoloresClaiborneNovel.jpg
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j/d: so the body is the dad, and nooooow he's dead on the front lawn dead.
r/r: weird they call him "dad" now.  also as of now, this movie sucks.
j/d: "if you wanted a fucking coroner you should have fucking called one!"
j/d: "is he dead?"
"yes"
"again?"
"no."
r/r: we wish you a merry doorbell?  how cheesy...how many reminders do you need that this is xmas?
j/d: blah blah blah.
j/d: then he tells the kid to go watch cartoons and they'll take care of this, and the kid now doesn't quite understand death which is further going to fuck up his life, and someone's at the door, and whats the deal with this movie? now they're conspiring, and it's the dude who makes the dog fart that's here now, and he's here to see the step- mother and father. danielle lets him in, and now they're eating cap'n crunch. fuck yeah. so anyway, this guy was the grandfather's lawyer. they sit at a table awkwardly and weird noises abound from upstairs. lawyer asks danielle what she wants for christmas and she tells him it's none of his business. margaret and joe appear.
r/r: bubblette lets in mr. purcell from the sweet hereafter/artie rosen from less than kind's (the dead grandpa's) lawyer, and eats captain crunch while he attempts to ascertain the whereabouts of their parents and drop off the will.  clearly the captain crunch is crucial (alliteration, woo!)
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j/d: "the fact of the matter is they didn't come home last night. as a matter of fact."
j/d: that all gets awkward, and it seems like the lawyer doesn't believe them and it all breaks down awkwardly.
r/r: "they're a very romantic couple...they'll come back when they're hungry!"  haha, this kid sucks at lying.
r/r: heh, little dude is learning fast!  goes to get a shovel for the snow-blood.
j/d: sweet suzy, all the kids get 750k on their 18th birthday or when the parents die. this sucks for them.
j/d: they decide to put the dad back, hoping noone finds them before they can.
r/r: so is the lawyer going to find the crash, then?  looks like he just noticed the broken rail.  he went to tell some lady about it who i guess i saw at the funeral scene, and then they have what seems to be fairly tender sex.  i like the colours in the scene, yellow light through the lampshade and lavender bedding.  she asks about his wife...it's awkward.
j/d: lawyer drives passed the broken guard rail! i…. don't think he investigated it any further. he's at the elmhurst's (?) and now he's fucking mrs elmhurst! he just wanted her to know about the hole in the fence. where did that come from.
r/r: this is boring...i'm having enough trouble keeping it going with the main characters, y'all!  help me out!
j/d: after their coitus, the elmhurst lady asks about his wife, and i'm all wtf and the movie's all fu, and i'm all fuuuuu

j/d: stockings on lamps could lead to melting. danger, will robinson.
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j/d: lawyer won't leave judy cause he don't have the money.
j/d: shishi, sarah polley is at the elmhurst stead. her name is tabby, i think? the books she reads belong to lady elmhurst. she wants a copy of crime and punishment cause a sorta friend of hers might want to read it.
r/r: poetics by aristotle...what are the others she's returning?  i love books!
r/r: she's a manipulative weirdo.  i like her.  she's way more interesting and dimensional than the other characters in this movie. 
r/r: every now and then this lady looks like mia farrow mixed with david bowie, with occasional flashes of toni collette and milla jovovich.
r/r: "tabby?"
"yup?"
"are you okay"
"well, how do you mean?  do you mean, am i okay like in this very moment okay?  or in a more general sense, like okay with the world any my place in it and the natuer of life and reality and all of that."
"i meant you were still going to help me with the xmas recital tomorrow i hope"
and now she's smoking a joint?
 
  it's cold out here.
"oh yeah.  sure thing.  i hope you're feeling better."
(to herself): "you'd think a lawyer would have a nicer car."
j/d: she's smoking a joint now, soooo yeah. i like her, weed or not - i just think, maybe the movie could be about her, and not like some bastard-ass permutation of weekend at bernie's vs don't tell mom the babysitter's dead… i might like that. it's not that i don't like this movie. or well, maybe it is. i just don't dislike it. there's nothing here to really hook me, ideas that have some merit and execution the likes of mcdonald's fine dining.
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r/r: oh man, we're only half-way through now?  *drink*
j/d: anyway, sarah polley explains the depth of the term 'okay' to the elmhurst lady, then walks away, smoking her joint. ha "you'd think a lawyer'd have a nicer car"
j/d: aaaalright, they're dropping dad back off at the car, and joe and marge are bickering… he shouldn't be moving the body, she should have really ensured he was dead.
r/r: the basketball team was big on her in high school?  what does that mean?  this movie is sloppy, expository. 
j/d: elmhurst and lawyer get into a big conversation about tabby and there's lots of exposition about her getting kicked out of college, and having a boyfriend who was killed and then being "popular with the basketball team?" oooh, and now they're worried about those kids that live up with the barnes'.
r/r: "hey, we all have our bag of hammers."  haha her eyebrow twitch in response was pretty much my reaction too.
r/r: pete reminds me of little mac!
               p.s. - young mac is also one of the many codys on dexter! (link
j/d: oh, great, joe and marge have awkward conversations about the stepdad, and it's kinda lame, but then they drop him and it's funny. cause pete's all "i think they dropped him," and danielle's all "i don't think watching that can be good for you." she's still writing her poem. and i'm wondering, if the dad was all bleeding and shit, and we know he was cause there was blood on the snow and pete said so, when he was on the go back to the home, would he not have left quite a mighty trail of blood? evidence, no?
r/r: she looks pretty fresh.  this is dumb.  if there was blood on the snow, there's blood everywhere...oh i guess she was supposed to look fresh, 'cause she's still alive, and potter???  wait, what just happened? 
j/d: now there's the grisly task of getting stepdad back into the car, and there's a freak out, 'cause boom! the mom isn't dead either! she opened her eyes! and then a dog shows up! and hell breaks loose! and then shit ! we cut to the lawyer and mrs/ms elmhurst, making out and HA tabby was watching them too?
r/r: hahahah what the fuck?  tabby, you hilarious creepy weird girl!
r/r: "tabby?!"
"oh!  no.  no, i'm walking.  i'm just walking this way!"
j/d: "oh? no. no, i'm walking. i'm just walking this way."
j/d: and the dog was potter - he's not dead. aaaand, the mom's body was just like, spasming? the corpses are now jammed into the back of their car again? this is a good idea because? man, this movie isn't so hot.
r/r: he's got a point, that crowbar deal was pretty gory...and it would be pretty hard to explain to the cops.

j/d: shit apparently joe killed her with a crowbar later - he had to yank it out of her skull.
r/r: "sorry...i meant bludgeoned...by mistake." (margaret)
j/d: marge asks if they're going to shove them under the christmas tree.
j/d: things get intense, and the music is shitty and doesn't fit. joe should stop thinking with his head margaret tells him.
r/r: "you should stop thinking with your head.  it's not working." (margaret)
i'm waiting for her to feel like less of a one-liner manufacturing robot.
j/d: danielle is hungry.
j/d: what is their plan here?
j/d: margaret is wondering that too, apparently. oh, man - they're getting home and it seems like people are at the door trying to get a platter back. old people and they manners.
 
 old people and they beans? (link)
r/r: "it's just common courtesy to return a platter promptly.  i mean, she should have sent it round - if she knew she was going to skip bridge."
r/r: "oh agnes, can't we give the platter a rest?"
"no.  no we can't."
r/r: "who are they?"
"old ladies.
"the worst kind."
j/d: haha! the old ladies just drove away, how convenient.
r/r: answering machine audio-montage: "i'm going to have to pass on that real estate deal.  apparently the natives still own it!  maybe you should look into that!" haha what an interesting inclusion - would that more people were respectful of others.
j/d: every time these guys get home someone's leaving a message on the machine. this is a message from a doctor who wants to know about botox? now there's a bunch more some guy's passing on a real estate deal where natives still own the land, the lawyer wants his papers, and joe's burning their clothes. there. i think i got that montage.
                  montage! (link)
j/d: "i need a fuck, joe, it clears my head." poor margaret. well, that said, she bounced, so who knows.
r/r: joe is annoying and controlling.  i don't really see why margaret needs to be there instead of getting sex, if sex is what she wants.
j/d: poor joe, too. he's gotta hang out with this half-dead dog, some corpses and some kids. buuut, he's getting drunk.
r/r: haha, joe drinking...what happened at junior prom?  will we ever know?
j/d: so they're keeping the corpses in the garage, i guess?
r/r: "everyone thinks that about their mother.  my mom smelled good too!  doesn't make them good people." (joseph)
r/r: oh no, he drank so much he missed his appointment to watch sarah polley jack it!
People who wish they’d posted this earlier: ME
                                  (link)
j/d: oh, man. joe got so drunk he missed his jerkoff appointment with tabby. instead, he talks to grandpa? he's out on his way to bury the corpses and almost kills tabby who's on the way to stalk him. and oooh, we're on the inside of the tommy-margaret-tow-truck-love-fest… he's put off by her "fridgid"-ness and whatnot… they're going to sit there a while, now? aaand now, i think joe is burying the parents in his grandpa's grave, which is like, 75 yards from where tom and margaret are, i guess? this all lines up, right? right?
r/r: oh of course, margaret didn't really want sex!  joe knew what was best after all.  aww, her boyfriend is possibly trying to express that he feels comfortable with her non-responsive sexual behaviour, asks her what's wrong (admittedly while calling her "frigid"), and then puts his arm around her and offers to sit with her until she feels better.  that was cute, and i like that it didn't demonize him or her for being sexual.
r/r: blah-dy-blah, joseph recounts the opening scene while burying his parents.  guess sarah polley's going to find him soon!
r/r: xmas lights fall down, things look sketchy as helllll.
 
(link)
j/d: it's the morning, and margaret tars into the house asking "where the fuck are they?!" now everyone is fighting.
r/r: margaret is freaking out about the bodies being buried with gramps, and joe is hungOVER.  hey joe, stop kissing her, it's kind of creeping me out.
j/d: huzzah. they were monsters, and they got buried with grandpa, who was the only good thing. she's angry, but joe is sorry. he misses grandpa, and hugs joe. he tries to convince her they're gone, and it's all awkward and shit - 
r/r: "you can kill them as many times as you want, they won't go away.  not if you become them." (margaret, rebuffing joseph)
j/d: - but danielle has a christmas recital. they're not FUCKING GOING! HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK HE'S GOING TO DO, SO THEY'RE NOT GOING, AND THAT'S THE END OF IT!!! Joe is nervous, had some rough times.
r/r: recital time!  wooooo-hooo cares?
j/d: elmhurst is there! everyone is expecting them.
r/r: i kind of like the way they match this to the earlier getting-ready scene.
j/d: "everyone's expecting us, i don't give a fuck if everyone's expecting us, shit." joe is huuungover. he pukes, then drinks some more. and pseudo billy talent plays as they all dress and get ready to go
r/r: joe, stop being so pissy just because your step-sister doesn't want to fuck you.
j/d: "where's your mom and dad?"
"none of your god damn business"
                 
               fran, it's a goddamn benny! (link)
j/d: margaret chews joe out and then implies that he needs to get laid basically, staring at his crotch and telling him he needs a girlfriend because a girlfriend would solve so much of this crap.
r/r: "you really need a girlfriend, you know that?  a girlfriend would solve so much of this crap."  lazy-ass writing, so of course tabby's in the backseat when josh gets in.  also, the narrative that suggests men who are suffering and/or hurting others can be saved by "the love of a good woman" is also the narrative that suggests women are the gatekeepers of human morality and men's behaviour; and that it is ethical and moral and right for us to exist as devices to better the men around us, and not for ourselves, which are immaterial and inconvenient..that our lives are disposable, and that men are entitled to use us however they like.
j/d: tabby in the car to joe 'you know, you guys really need a lawyer'
j/d: heh, peter is wearing mom's earrings. joe is becoming a monster!
r/r: aww, little dude's wearing his mom's earrings!  predictably, josh is a douche about it.  guess what, filmmakers?  your joke is homophobic, not a joke about homophobia!  or at the bare minimum, not a successful joke about homophobia in the slightest.
j/d: whelp, here we are at the christmas recital… i assume this is the climax of the movie?
r/r: so what, are we supposed to see lawyer-buddy's wife is in a wheelchair and not blame him for cheating?  that was a cheap reveal, you guys, and pretty ablist as well.  i'm just sayin'!
excuuuuuuuse me! 
j/d: children are angels on stage. nutcracker music. danielle has a subpar costume. there's dancing. crappy ballet ensues and everyone laughs. end dance, appause, danielle is confused on the wrong part of stage.
r/r: is bubblette supposed to be in this dance?  her costume is different, and she doesn't know any of the moves.  oh wait, is she the lead or something?  she's not lit as high as some of the others.  this is dumb.
j/d: oooh, man this lady is complaining to joseph about the platter, and the missed bridge.
j/d: hey, there's a joe monologue, but it's not particularly good. i don't like it so i won't write it down, but tabby agrees.
r/r: and now joseph rants, and tabby like, agrees with him?  so maybe later they'll touch each-others' junk?
coyote UGLY
j/d: hmm, danielle's poem.
it's bad ass.
r/r: time for danielle/bubblette's poem!
"winter.
white.
cold.
frosty.
full of death.
death.
death.
we live in an open grave.
life is lost.
love is lost.
comfort is lost.
death takes everything.
destroys everything.
leaves us alone.
i am alone.
i am alone.
i am alone.
christmas."
j/d: the audience is stunned, and not sure what to do. life is awwwwkward.
j/d: "i'm a little upset."
j/d: pete is "…confused. so confused."
j/d: margaret tells joe to do something. 
j/d: danielle tells joe it's been a long couple days, and she feels like a retard, joe explains she's not a retard, she just wears glasses… she said that to him earlier, if i remember right. seems like tabby and all these people are leaving together.
r/r: HA! i liked that poem...pretty little else. ugh, stop repeating the retard/glasses line, this movie is so ablist!!  again, filmmakers!  your use of this line (so very many times) is ablist!  it is not - i repeat, not - in any way successfully joking about ablism.  fuck you.
r/r: how much time is left?  fuck, like another twenty minutes?
r/r: were those earrings clip-ons?  because if not, i want to see that kid piercing his ears like a boss.
(link)
j/d: "we could put their bodies in their bedroom and set fire to the whole house"
"we could put them in the freezer and figure it out in the spring"
j/d: everyone's going home, and ugh, shame off between joe and tabby, and whats the fucking point.
r/r: "i got kicked out of university for doing crystal meth with the dean's fourteen-year-old son." (tabby)
r/r: "i fucked the whole basketball team." (tabby)
r/r: "i hid outside your window and jerked off for months." (joseph)
"i know.  i liked it." (tabby)
j/d: "i know, i liked it." she's nonchalant. it's badass.
r/r: she's pretty pedophilic/sex predatory in some of these implications...she freaks me out like whoa.  why can't we have a movie about her?  not to glorify her predatory aspects, but at least as a character study or something?  it would be so much more interesting than this!
r/r: "a few years ago, um,  my boyfriend was crushed under a twenty-foot retaining wall.  some things you can't get out of."
j/d: i guess they're like teaming together now. making plans.
j/d: "fucking fuck me" margaret says. and tom's at the house.
r/r: is that her boyfriend?  "what makes you think you can just walk in here and eat chicken?"
again with the fucking chicken? (link)
j/d: he's in the house, eating chicken and wants to know what the hell's going on with her because he hasn't had a decent fuck in three days… and he happens to love her?
r/r: i kind of thought he was more of a badass, and less squeaky-voiced.  "i still have two drumsticks left, and i happen to love you."  aww!
j/d: ookay, she tells him what's up,
"told! you just told! this guy!"
j/d: they do have to get rid of the car, and he could help with his tow truck.
r/r: funny how his voice dropped when he said he was experienced with crime.
j/d: oooh, man the old lady is back for the platter.  "fuck off," margaret says 
(link)
r/r: platter lady is back, being pushy and mean, and her fur-sporting friend is super embarrassed for her.  and there's a phone call from a doctor about the mom missing her injections and taking her to small claims court.  what?
j/d: aaand, now the old ladies are in the house. tabby answers the phone and some guy flips out, he's a doctor. injections, small claims, blah blah.
r/r: now lawyer and lady he fucks are here!  hooray?  i mean, this is going somewhere, right?
j/d: ooh, good. phillips and elmhurst are here. platter ladies out, lawyer man and elmhurst lady in.
j/d: i think maybe like, the kids confessed? i'm confused.
r/r: i see, they told lawyer-buddy. 
j/d: "you dumb fuck." phillips says to joe.
r/r: well, tabby should know if anyone saw...i mean, she did, after all. 
j/d: okay, yup. lawyer knows everything….aaaand, he's going to help. this is pretty funny. he tells them to put them back, put them back in the exact positions he found them, and explains that the coroner is a 73 year old chronic alcoholic who will essentially slap a stamp of approval on this business, and they'll be made.
Jerry at the snake hole
r/r: "what's lividity?" (pete)
r/r: "excellent question.  it's where the blood settles after the heart has stopped beating.  so, if a person dies sitting up, then the blood should drain into their backside, swelling it to an enormous size." (lawyerdude)
j/d: there are questions about lividity, and the children are carted off into the kitchen with lady elmhurst and margaret, who tries to take tabby (who's hot) with her. she says no, but joe agrees she can go.
r/r: oh i see!  this lawyer's breaking down the monetary motivations he has right now, and this windfall he'll receive will also enable him to abandon his disabled wife.  awwwwwesome!  whee!!
don’t knock “the move”
                                    go for it, go for it.
j/d: the lawyer explains that he's willing let a bunch of this shit slide, because people do things for 4 things in this world, love, money, sex and fame, he doesn't want fame, he'll get money from the kids trustfunds, etc which he can buy a love and sex from…. so apparently this is all going to work out. mary elmhurst offers a little more parting advice on the way out the door, and boom - this new evil money family is born, with margaret supporting joe and claiming they should get pizza on dad's credit card. tabby stays and her and joe have a moment, and that's weird because that's not him getting together with margaret "wanna stay for dinner?" "actually, i was thinking i meant spend the night." well then. i mean, i wasn't pro either scenario, just misread some things i guess.

          
            wildcard, bitches!  yeeee-haw!
r/r: wait, that lady killed somebody too?  oh, canadian suburbs!  aren't you so full of SUPER BORING INTRIGUE.
r/r: hey, i want some pizza!
r/r: she is...predatory.  but it's flirting?  i don't get people, man.  she knows about this, and you have...no reason to trust her.  but hey, i'd probably go for it too.
r/r: little pete looks kind of like a munster.
r/r: oh wow, more xmas music!  i'd forgotten already, thanks guys!
j/d: they strategize some final details out over pizza and i'm bored. because well, fuck, this movie just keeps going. there's not really much in the way of punch here. danielle wants to help exhume the corpses, but instead is told to watch cartoons. margaret and tom go to fuck. pete goes to bed, and tabby and joe leave to go do some digging.
r/r: so now they have to dig them up and put them back, somehow undetected?  this is so silly. 
r/r: ah, she's smart...putting brake fluid in the car is a good idea.
r/r: holding hands in winter, fingers peeping out from coatsleeves.  canadian romance.
j/d: the kids are opening their presents early. tabby reminds joe to put brake fluid in the car, cause that'll help and they're holding hands, and ho shit there's christmas music and crappy endings every where, and confusing cinematic and script decisions before we pan away and my suffering is ending.
dinuguan:

Soooo badass, dude.
r/r: ..."this shit ain't bad."  was that seriously the last line of the movie?  yikes.  that sucked.  that was definitely the worst movie we've watched so far - possibly one of the most ablist, if not the most.  what's more, it may actually have been the whitest - while some jewish actors were represented, i saw no people of colour whatsoever.  additionally, it was pretty heterocentric and heterosexist - any references to queerness came at the expense of using queer people and sexuality as a punchline.
j/d: i'm sorry we put you through this, intrepid reader.
(link)

our verdict?
...pretty much a movie!

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