we hope you had a good long weekend, whatever your reason may be, matriarchs or veterans, we don't care.
it's set to be a rather festive week in Westeros with quite a few vows being tossed around these days.
You better watch out, because it seems as though some things may be happening soon.
seriously, the fuckin' crows know.
hit the jump folks, and we'll talk over what might be happening.
8:15 - so word on the street is that some marital vows are to be exchanged today... we won't be exchanging anything to that extent, but we do vow to drink, and spread the various news of today's episode. so join us.
8:30 - just a heads up - we're beginning a new project of recapping Less Than Kind. We're quite digging the super nerd-ren-faire-vibe. Dig it.
Anywho, we're drinking some KLB Raspberry (it's red. We're watching the Red Wedding) and some La Fin Du Monde (spoilers). What about you?
pull up a seat, grab a drink.
speaking of spoilers, as per usual - here's your warning:
we've read the books. we're watching the show. we will reference each along the way.
seriously. watch the fuck out.
8:40 - I gotta admit, it's been a little longer than usual since our last Game of Thrones episode. It's got us pretty excited.
fuck yeah, fantasy adaaaaaaptations.
8:50 - anybody got a feeling that something bad is coming this episode?
like maybe some of Robb's terrible mistakes might come to bite him in the ass?
8:55 - guys. guys.... i'm not ready.
9:00 - straight into the credits.
oh - hey, look! a map of casterly rock!
Catelyn and Robb discuss war strategies.
They discuss overthrowing Tywin.
"Why are you telling me?" Catelyn asks him.
They talk about Theon.
Finally - a scene between the two of them.
Robb wants her advice.
It seems as though they have enough men if Walder Frey cooperates.
If they don't co-operate, the Starks will lose the war and "die like Father. Or worse."
9:04 - Robb and his men eat bread and salt. Fucking bread and salt.
Walder Frey extends them hospitality in the light of the seven.
Robb asks forgiveness.
"It wasn't me you spurned, it was my girls."
He summons his girls forth.
"One of them was supposed to be Queen. Now none of them are."
Walder makes his case, and seriously guys, fuck this dude. He kidnaps dinosaurs on spaceships..
9:07 - Robb pleads his case, and Talisa goes forth to be inspected by Mr. Frey. Groovy.
Only, y'know, gross.
9:10 - at the end of it all Walder claims
"the wine will flow red, and the music will play loud, and we'll put this mess behind us."
9:11 - now we're in yunkai with Dany and Co.
hey, it's Daario!
9:12 - there's a meeting in which some tension arrises between Daario and Jorah. Dany extends an offer of leadership to Grey Worm. Ser Barriston is a team Jorah guy.
she thinks he's a wizard 'cuz he killed a walker.
Apparently Craster used to tell them wildlings looked on the wall and lived.
Gilly looks on the wall.
9:14 - Hound and Arya in the Forest!
They come upon a peasant.
Hound tells Arya to shut the fuck up and tell everyone he's her father.
Hound goes to kill a dude to steal a wagon.
Arya stops him though, 'cuz she knows a real killer?
I don't know? [Note: she's clearly talking about Jaqen H'gar]
She begs Clegane not to kill this dude.
"You're a very kind girl," he tells her. "Some day it will get you killed."
Arya knocks the peasant back out
9:15 - Hey, look!
It's Bran, Meera, Jojen, Rickon, Osha and Hodor.
Maybe there are wolves nearby?
9:16 - aww, fuck. an eagle.
it's the wildlings, and their warg, Orell.
Plus Tormund, Jon and Ygritte.
How are they in such lush, green lands. i mean, isn't winter supposed to be coming?
They strategize, and Jon warns them of how many crows they'll need to kill.
Tormund is all, yeah, bro, let's go. let's go kill crows!
jon is all:
Horses are sad.
9:18 - Ygritte tries to kill a dude and misses, so he gets away... but, anyway, they attacked a tiny little settlement. Also known as The Gift.
9:18 - holy shit! Arya and the Hound are within eyesight of the Twins.
umm, the Hound is eating some pigs that are also their cover. He's cool like that.
"don't worry, they're still there." he tells Arya, noting that she's been checking every few minutes to see if her family has left.
They have a discussion about fear.
It's umm, characterizing?
He's afraid of fire, she's afraid of stuff and thangs.
"I know what your brother did to you. Pressed your face to the fire like you were a nice juicy mutton chop."
"Does that give you some ideas?"
The Hound goes on to tell her this is the closest she's been to family since her dad died, taunting her.
"Some day, I'll put a sword through your eye and out the back of your skull."
9:21 - Hey, it's the Gift, with Bran et al.
They're discussing some strategy, but the wildlings are upon them. Hodor's making a bunch of noise and Orell is outside, probably hearing him until Bran wargs into him to shut him up.
Orell tells Tormund he heard shouts.
Tormund says it was thunder. Orell sends his bird up.
9:24 - to "tell the crows they're here" they force Jon to kill the one Night's Watch guy we've seen. Pretty fucked up.
Simultaneously, Jojen and Bran discuss warging.
9:25 - so Jon's got the blade out, but he's not killing for a while, which draws peoples ire. Ygritte ends up arrowing the dude.
Orell is unhappy and a fight breaks out. Ugly choreography has Jon clock her in the face. If she dies here, oh fuck.
9:27 - back in the tower, Jojen convinces Bran to get Summer to attack (it was Summer and Shaggy dog down there.)
So those dudes start attacking, and Orell's hawk jumps on Jon, fucking him up. Well, they're mixing books there. But, finally.
Anyway, Jon runs off, abandoning Ygritte (and Tormund, i guess).
9:28 - so, back in Yunkai, Dany's small council is killing some dudes.
Jorah does a pretty good job.
They seem to have the situation under control, then a buttload of other guys come. Uh oh.
9:30 - oh hey, it's the fighting pits!
9:31 - so, back at the twins... there's some sort of wedding taking place? What could this be about?
(this is the ann to it all)
So this is Edmure's first glimpse of his bride, Rosalind.
Nice veil, at least.
Any who, he's shocked by her youth and beauty.
"Lord Edmure, I hope I'm not a disappointment to you," she says,
"You're a delight to me, my lady."
So it's time for the cloaking, and oh my god, people.
So their hands are bound in the sight of the seven, and blah blah.
It's all pretty cool if you care about theology in mythical words. hint hint - i kind of do! fuck the real world!
shout out to ser ilyn paaaaaayyyyyne!!!!
9:32 - back at the Gift, Jojen and Bran are discussing Bran's capabilities again. Fun.
They're really fucking about with chronology.
Anyway, Bran is super powerful, because he can get in people's brains... Not just animals.
Oh, and he saw Jon through Summer's eyes.
9:33 - Bran says he saw Jon with Wildlings, and says he was attacking, but got away. Jojen says they should go North, but Osha says fuck that.
They Rickon should go to the Umbers, but Rickon is all "I'm your brother. I have to protect you."
"we're not southerners. I don't want to leave you."
9:35 - Osha won't go north of the wall, but she promises to take care of Rickon.
This kid effing owns this scene. Also, this is NOT IN THIS BOOK!
(they're mixing books together. it makes us scream in delight.)
9:36 - back in Yunkai, again.
Dany is upset they haven't sacked the city yet?
ugh, don't you hate it when the Khaleesi gets all angry? (haha, nope!)
anyway, Daario's got a bag full of heads maybe? Or a tapestry?
Who cares? Daario!!
9:37 - aww, shit, back at the Red Wedding.
there's a tense scene between Catelyn, Roose Bolton and Ser Brynden.
Blackfish, WHO SHOULDN'T EVEN BE HERE TODAY, steps out for a piss.
did you even read the fucking books?!
So it turns out Roose had a pick of the granddaughters and her weight in gold.
you can figure where that goes.
catelyn is appropriately icy and disdainful and disgusted.
9:39 - OH NO! BEDDING CEREMONY!
9:40 - everybody begins the bedding ceremony, Talisa looks suspicious.
Clothes start coming off as the newlyweds are carried off to the bedchamber.
"Poor girl," Catelyn says.
"Every bride suffers the same," Roose replies.
Catelyn explains they never did that. "Ned never thought it would be right if he broke a man's jaw that night."
Robb and Talisa discuss bedding ceremonies, and she breaks the news that she's pregnant!
She wants to name it Eddard.
"Don't you want to teach little Ned Stark to ride horses?"
they make out, and then it begins.
They begin playing The Rains of Castamere.
Greywind is already caged outside.
Arya and the Hound are just arriving.
9:44 - A Frey man tells the Hound the feast is over.
The Hound doesn't like that response.
Arya jumps off.
Back to the interior.
9:36 - Waldor starts talking.
Catelyn notices Roose is wearing chain mail!
She tells Robb to run.
A man runs up and kills Talisa and her baby, and the Red Wedding begins.
Catelyn is shot by an arrow from above.
Robb by several thereafter.
Outside, Stark bannerman are slain.
This sucks, pretty much. People try to leave but the doors are barred. Arya finds Greywind, but too late. The Direwolf is killed as well as Arya watches from cover.
Arya runs, but she's stopped by the Hound, who knocks her out and carries her off.
9:47 - Robb and Catelyn are still alive.
Robb crawls to Talisa.
"The king in the North arises," Walder says.
Catelyn grabs one of the Frey women. She wants this to stop. She'll let the daughter go if they end this. She swears.
Walder points out the Starks have sworn to him before and lied.
"On my honour as a Tully, on my honour as a Stark. Let him go or I'll cut your wife's throat."
"I'll find another," Walder says.
Roose runs up to Robb.
"The Lannisters send their regards."
He stabs Robb, killing him.
Catelyn slits Mrs. Frey's throat, and then has her own slit shortly thereafter.
Roose Bolton killed Robb Stark. Catelyn and Robb are dead. Talisa is dead (for real.)
The King in the North is dead.
aaaand, that's the Red Wedding.
Why did this happen?
George Martin is an asshole.
well. super glad we watched this episode!
please excuse us as we drink the feels away.