Sunday, February 24, 2013

2013 Oscars LiveBlog!

Welcome, Bienvenue!
Oscar Party 2013
it's party time!!

We're back for our second ever Oscars liveblog, which, coincidentally means we're celebrating our one-year anniversary as a Blog tonight! Technically we're a little bit late, as our first post was about the movie Bridesmaids and was on February 21st, but whatever! Here we are!

It'll be a busy night for us, as we'll be pulling double duty - liveblogging this, and The Walking Dead. We're not entirely sure how that'll all play out, but we know it's going to be fun.

Are you excited? Got your drinks, and your pool selections all made?

From walking the red carpets to getting played off stage, we'll have (almost)every moment of the star studded action!

Jump with us to get started!

7:00 - welcome to the Red Carpet - this aspect of the pre-show is going to be our bread and butter (we are not excited about Seth McDoucheland) . Since this is a party, and we're sure the stars have begun to imbibe, we advise you do too! it'll make it all the more fun. feel free to make up your own games at home, or have drinks at whatever random intervals we decide here. cheers!

in case you're curious, we'll be switching between american and canadian feeds, featuring kristen chenoweth and ben mulroney a less handsome jeff winger ryan seacrest as our hosts.

funny stuff - kristen chenoweth thinks the red carpet is 2000 of her.
kelly rowland is there too.

oh, and as per usual, the carpet seems almost magenta.

7:03 - melissa mccarthy is on the canadian red carpet feed, over on E! she has a neat little grey deal. her husband is wearing "a tuxedo." ha! she's wearing david meister.

oh, hey - look, it's jennifer hudson. she's got a neat little blue number.

then E! switches to perez hilton and kelly osborne.

so, they cut to jennifer lawrence, who is in an epically pretty white train thing. boom.

we also see amanda seyfriend in an exquisite alexander mcqueen - it's damn nice.

7:05 - kerry washington  is wearing a very classy red number, we approve.

7:06 - oh hey, kelly rowland is interviewing channing tatum and jenna dewan-tatum. they're a well-dressed couple. that's a pretty impressive maternity dress. they talk about babies more, meh.

7:07 - on the way to commercial we see charlize theron and amy adams, each looking rather dream-worthy.
shit, did i say commercial? drink.

7:10 - we're back with amanda seyfried who is in a crazily beautiful mcqueen in which "she can't sit down," and feels like she'll lose her organs. she likes corsets. so do we. she talks about costumes, periods, bloating and corsets? then kristen chenoweth casts her on broadway?

then they open up a bit.

there's oscar history there?
it's a thing in a box, and it's made of over 2000 individual components.

gorgeous amanda seyfried guesses a head. *shrug*
she's so marvellous.

7:12 - Quvenzhane Wallis is there in a wicked little dress. They drop that she's been cast as the new Annie.

"so you can sing too?"
"i guess"

her purse is a puppy in its own little dress, by the way.

7:13 - there are some pretty cool bits about the fasions of hollywood and red carpets, featuring some drawings of old pieces. we now go to a documentary featuring like, vera wang, dian von ferstenburg and michael kors, some marchesa people..., i guess.

filler stuff. drink.

7:16 - jennifer lawrence is here, talking about bears shitting in woods, being friends with sally field and wearing an awesome damn dress from haute couture dior.

7:17 - zoe soldana is here in a wonderful piece with a great hem.
just as to note though, umm, nina simone's family didn't want that movie made. just sayin'.

so, i turned it.

7:18 - back on E! (with maybe seacrest) anne hathaway is here. she looks damn elegant, talking about marriage and vegan ice cream. her seams are a liiiittle confusing.

anyway, they start talking about party games - drink - before we find out she's wearing prada. it's not bad. a little chesty.

7:19 - naomi watts is there, looking super shiny with a lot of cut outs. liev schreiber is there too. meh. they're cool i guess. seriously though, the asymmetry of her dress is pretty cool.

7:20 - back with kristen chenoweth catherine zeta-jones and michael douglas are there. she looks fantastic, like a golden goddess. her dress is a great piece of golden fun with a little flute on the bottom.

7:21 - oh shit, it's daniel radcliffe - in a bow tie? bow ties are cool.

y'know, danny is british
his eyebrows are pretty darned effed.  i love them.

7:23 - oh, a commercial? drink

coming back, we learn that on the twitters, jennifer lawrence is currently trending as the best dressed, followed by amy adams and amanda seyfried.

then we have a little segment about "oscar"... okay.
boring filler segment?

7:27 - oh, good. bradley cooper is here.

E! goes to their fashion panel, and i need some more to drink.

7:31 - some time later we wind up with reese witherspoon. her deep blue number with a bunch of black accentuation. it's pretty dope. then she starts talking about some movie that i have no interest in.

oh, then joseph gordon-levitt is there - it's his first oscars! he talks loud. slicking the hair back all 30's style is pretty big for the men this year. oh, that and bow ties. yup. his socks are cute and don't match apparently.

7:33 - now we go to another one of these pre-packed dealies.

commercial after?
well, drink again.

7:40 - oh, good! more style panels!

yes, jennifer anniston is definitely relevant to the oscars.

oh, good. time for the contradictory nature of stylists and fashion gurus. "take chances!" "this is too out there!"

that said, these fashion police people give us a pretty good shot of nicole kidman's super awesome black sleeveless number. it looks fun. black with golden jeweled aspects. shut up, you fashion punks.

hey, does keith urban travel through time to get these haircuts? in an australian delorean?

oh yes.

7:45 - adele looks nice tonight, but a little conservative. that's her bag though. super retro.  we dig it.

7:47 - oh hey, look. it's ben affleck and jennifer garner. ben affleck looks like he's trying to channel dave grohl. (dat beard). jennifer garner looks like she's trying to be purple and beautiful. one of them is succeeding.

wait. discussions about beards v beards? resulting in casual homophobia?

yo, drink.

7:50 - well, hugh jackman is wearing a tuxedo. like all the dudes! surprise!

kristen chenoweth asks him and his wife about that there box thing.
oh, it was given as a gift.
they can't say to who.


hugh jackman references se7en! people are awesome.
umm, they guess handcuffs.  why?

7:52 - chris evans is here, with his mom, it seems? that's sweet.

7:53 - so, we're late to the party, but yay for robert de niro, grace hightower and interracial marriages.

7:54 - whelp, daniel radcliffe has switched feeds. that's pretty awesome, i guess. he's back. he's overwhelmed and he's no authority on the horse meat scandal.

watch out, firenze!

8:00 - we're back.
a bit after shitting on jennifer anniston's boring dress or whatever, they interview her. she's pretty damn funny. she has an olde-timey newscaster voice that's pretty great.

she doesn't party.
they don't like action, and hob-knobbing.

8:02 - from anniston we move to garner, whose dress has a weird feathery back thing going on that we didn't realize earlier, still cool, but with a side of "wha?"

looks like a comfortable seat.
particularly for an event of this length.

bad joke.

8:03 - halle berry looks damn spiffy in a black and silver stripey affair.

8:04 - kristen chenoweth interviews adele. i'm usually pretty good with british accents, but i got no bloody clue whats going on here. it's pretty charming, really.

kristen chenoweth takes off her shoes and we learn she's an elf.

8:05 - george clooney has a crazy beard, and stacy kiebler is still with him? and looks great in some silver, deco looking thing? her hair is crazy good, and she's so tall.

hey, interview lady. don't adjust your hair with the hand you hold the mic with.

8:07 - woooow, the sound sucks during this part, crazy bad delay and echo, plus, there's a missed voice over by chenoweth, but hey, sandra bullock looks nice in a dark sparkly floor length number.

8:08 - commercial. drink

8:12 - back! this wee chenoweth lady is interviewing catwoman anne hathaway. they have a cute moment comparing dresses to moments.

her jewels are tiffany's.

anne didn't like her haircut in les miserables. it made her sad.

whoa, we're back to the oscar mystery dealy!!
next clue, it has magical powers.

anne guesses dorothy's slippers.
she's prooobably right.

holy shit! she is!

this lady is movie royalty.

kristen - are you going to be taking those home?
anne - can i?
kristen - the smithsonian would kills us
anne - the smithsonian always gets in the way!

oh, c'mon. catwoman could deal with that.

yo, it's okay. there's like, a USB stick or something
that erases your exist-meow.

8:15 - jamie foxx is here with his daugher. they both look fresh.
right! fuck. this dude's electro! yes!

8:16 - daniel day lewis is rocking a navy or indigo tux. slight alteration, but nifty.

8:18 - oh, isht. we're going inside.
whelp, kelly rowland reveals that jennifer lawrene was voted best dressed, but put in votes for charlize theron, kirsten stewart and halle berry - and for real? she's right.

8:19 - commercial.


8:21 - we're back! kristen is inside, interviewing dudes who won't interrupt each other. jinx.

8:22 - whelp, we cut to lara who makes no sense. anyway, she shows us oscars being polished and explains how winning works.

8:23 - renee zelwegger is another one of the ladies rockin' gold dress tonight. it looks good.

8:24 - oh, good! there's champagne in the tech truck and queen latifah on the stage.
she looks beautiful. sleek, fancy, classy, nice.

8:25 - oh, shishi - they're running the credits. the oscars are almost here.

drink up.

8:30 - so, here we go. as a point of contention, fuck seth mcfarlane. seriously. fuck this racist, sexist asshole of a douchebag ablist, homophobic prick. i cannot be asked to give a fuck what he does or says. but he did make tommy lee jones laugh. what a shock. he opened with a meme.

he can't really ride a laugh, can he. never been live?

oh, hey. this sound suuucks.

8:34 - oh, a rihanna joke? smooth, eh? do i really have to watch this after the walking dead?

...william shatner is interrupting the oscars as captain kirk?
what the fuck?

even he knows this sucks?

he's come back in time to stop macfarlane from destroying the academy awards?
almost cool.

the very next part ruins it.
this guy, he really is just a giant piece of shit, eh?

8:38 - at least helen hunt thinks this is stupid.

samuel l might too.

8:40 - at least channing tatum and charlize theron can dance, i guess.

8:41 - oh, good. sock puppets.

8:42 - okay, now jgl and harry potter are singing and dancing with ol' fuckface there.
this is, umm, well, crap.

8:46 - hey guys, did you know this is bad?

8:47 - okay, first award. octavia spencer is giving out actor in a supporting role.
cool. her dress is nifty. all these dudes have won before, yawn.

8:50 - aww, do the christoph waltz! he wins his second oscar for best supporting actor.

this dude is pretty awesome.

he thanks a lot of people. it's cute.

8:56 - ha! paul rudd and melissa mccarthy do a cute bit to present best animated short film. these two are great. i wish they were the hosts. they both look awesome, by the way.

ha! paperman wins!

best animated short film goes to paperman

8:55 - oh, hey. we're going to go liveblog the walking dead now.
i mean, we'll still be updating this, but for the next hour the party is going to be over there.

8:56 - cool! brave wins best animated feature!

9:00 - in here, life of pi picks up a couple of oscars, for both cinematography and visual effects.

9:05 - oh, hey, it's the avengers. sam jackson is fucking boss. these other guys? well they look nice.

except, hey, ruffalo. where'd the hair a-go?

anyway, anna karenina won the oscar for best costume design!

9:22 - it has come to our attention that les miserables has won the oscar for hair and makeup

9:24 - halle berry is here to introduce 50 years of sexism in british film bond movies, so that's fun.

9:37 - award update! Inocente has won the Oscar for best Documentary Short Subject.
Nice! Too bad Canadian short "Buzkashi Boys" didn't win

9:51 - Searching for Sugarman has won the Oscar for Best feature length Documentary.

9:55 - oh, hey, a "performance" by catherine zeta-jones. nice.

10:04 - oh, a les miserables live cast performance. interesting.

10:11 - oh, great. mark wahlberg and this teddy-ruxpin-peter-griffin looking motherfucker is here. great.
they're giving away sound mixing, which i would love to get.

anyway, les miserables won that shit, and who's surprised? mixing a musical is way harder than mixing a regular movie.  especially with live singing.

heh, ironically, this segment, and show in general sounds like shit.

10:12 - holograms? great.

10:17 - oh, whoa - zero dark thirty wins for sound editing - or wait - skyfall did? a TIE? A TIE IN THE OSCARS? MY LIFE IS A LIE!!!

i love you snape.

this is, regardless of how what you silly fucks think, a completely separate category than sound mixing. that is all. anyway, as much as i'm for like, parity and equality, i think the oscars are all about "best" no? how do you tie for best in an objective field? blah.

10:26 - christopher plummer is rocking an order of canada pin. represent!

also, apparently amour has won the best foreign film oscar

10:27 - and now we're doing the best supporting actress award.

catwoman anne hathaway for her first oscar win.

10:30 - hey, umm, this seems good a time as any to point out that we're drunk and need dinner.
we'll be back soon!

10:40 - adele performed!  she is awesome!  hopefully she did not hurt herself due to improper vocal technique.  but still, very fun!

11:15 - we made it back in time for norah jones to perform - woot brown representation!

11:16 - adele has won best original song for skyfall  good for her. she cries and thanks her man. it's nice. we genuinely like adele.

11:18 - douchebag returns to throw to commercial.

11:22 - charlize theron is gorgeous. she and dustin hoffman present the oscar for adapted screenplay.

it is presented to the guy that adapted argo. surprise!

11:26 - oh, they stay up there for original screenplay

tarantino wins this for django

hey guys, maybe award black writers for black stories? an idea, just saying.

11:28 - commercial break? you should probably drink.

11:33 - jane fonda (in a cool ass 80's yellow dress) and michael douglas are here to throw some awards out. specifically? well, they're presenting achievement in directing. (did they change the name?)

This goes to Ang Lee for life of pi. This is his second Oscar. Congratulations, Ang.

good on him for thanking yann martel.

11:37 - cough - commercialz - cough - drink.

i appreciate this move they're rocking of using classic oscar winning music.

kristen stewart looks gorgeous, in pain and annoyed.

11:41 - Jean Dujardin is here to present best actress. Fun!

Jennifer Lawrence wins best actress! good for her!

oh no! she fell on the way!  and hugh jackman ran up to help her!  haha, oh dear!

"you guys are just standing 'cause i fell, and that's so nice of you"

such a sweet lady. good for her.

11:45 - seth macfarlane's intro for meryl streep is pretty spot on.
she's here for best actor.

hugh jackman best be winning - or denzel washington.

unfortunately america loves itself, and daniel day lewis wins for a movie that revises history rather disgustingly.

11:52 - jack nicholson is here, in all his drugged-up joker-y glory to present michelle obama who welcomes everyone to the white house, and goes on a little spiel.

her dress is great.

also, there is absolutely no tie between the US Government, The Military and Hollywood.

Zero Dark Thirty certainly will not win.

She tosses back to Jackers for the nominees.

11:55 - oh, hey surprise - Argo, the war movie without the torture and implicit murder by the current president, is the best picture. Good thing that it exists all nice and good for them to have win and everything.

 ergo, affleck gets his first oscar.

12:00 - some dickbag claiming to be a host throws to commercial. wtf?

12:01 - Kristin Chenoweth is back to tell us all about a fancy gold dress and people that didn't win with help from this asshole who's here "hosting". Hey, random idea. Maybe next year we could drop the "classless-fuckhead" routine and get an actual host? Who doesn't laugh about racism, sexism and rape? Yeah? 'cause that would be awesome.

12:02 - that's it for us, folks. thanks for coming by.

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