Sunday, April 14, 2013

Game of Thrones Season 3 Liveblog! Episode 3: Walk of Punishment.

by the grace of the seven, you guys!!
it's almost time for game of thrones again!

...yeah, so we weren't here last week.  i'm sure we had our reasons, just as i'm sure you're waaay more interested in getting on with this week's episode!

i'm sure i'm sorry!

will arya be recaptured?  
what will become of the hound?
will shae experience any more plot contrivances sudden mood swings where sansa and tyrion are concerned?
will spoiler spoiler spoiler?!?!

hit the jump with us, in the hopes we will find out together!
8:15 - welcome, earlybirds!  help yourselves to drinks and, well, "worms" i guess.

it's cold out here.

we're enjoying some james ready and maudite!  how about you?

8:38 - here's a game of thrones-related joke for you all:

Q: why couldn't the Greyjoys mend their cloaks after battle?

A: they do not sew.


8:45 - so, the episode is drawing near. anticipation is at a high. we suggest smoking them if you're having them, if you know what we mean.

yeah, we got some editing programs up in prettymuchamovie laboratories.

8:55 - shit you guys. shit. be cool. it's so close now.
remain calm, and adjust your teevee sets for optimal viewing.
this is not a drill!

9:00 - oh look! a commercial for True Blood. oh! Veep now! Hurry up and get to our show! 

9:01- Previously on Game of Thrones.
Robb and Dany do stuff. Arya doesn't. Theon is screwed, sorta.
Barristan Selmy is back. 
Wargs exist!
The Reeds do too!
Ghost isn't with Jon?
Wargs though.
Arya is in some trouble it seems.
Not as much as Brienne and Jaime though.

here we go with those awesome opening credits that alone are worth the price of admission.
were there to be admission to teevee shows and not just monthly bills for the channels?

9:04 - We open up to Hoster Tully's funeral.
Interesting little viking-esque ritual.
Interesting that we're starting here.

Aaanyway, Robb and Catelyn are there, and it's a solemn day as they set a dead man in a boat out in a pond on fire with arrows. (eventually, after a few missed bolts. Edmure's no good at this.)

The Tullys' scaled armour is great.

9:06 - Eventually the Blackfish steps in after several missed arrows. He glances at the breeze! There's wind! He dramatically shoots the boat up in flames.


...or not.

9:07 - so inside Robb's arguing with some Tully folks (also Edmure?), complaining about them not strategically chasing the Mountain.

Robb wants his head on a spike apparently.
He's gotten vengeful over the years.

Edmure's getting chewed out by Robb, because they have Twyin's "father's brother's great-grandson" and lost 208 men to do so. Oh, and they still have his sisters (or so he thinks.)

"We need our men more than Tywin needs his!" Robb yells.

Blackfish tells Robb their men seem to be running short on patience.

"You know who isn't? Tywin Lannister!" Robb continues angrily. Poor guy, so bent out of shape.

9:10 - There's an incredibly awkward council meeting in King's Landing with all the usual suspects, plus Cersei who shows up late.

She grabs herself a chair from the side of the table and seats herself next to Tywin at the head.

9:11 - Tyrion humorously decides to place his chair at the opposite head of the table.

"Intimate, lovely table..." Tyrion rambles.

Tywin wants to know about Jaime.  No one has answers.  Tywin is displeased by this.


9:12 - There's a bunch of chattering about what to do with Robb, and Lysa Arryn (hint: kill the former, and marry the latter off to whomever is lord of Harrenhall - ideally Lord Creeper Baelish). Varys' chirping of Littlefinger is hilarious. This whole scene, really. Well done.

So anyway, Tyrion is more concerned about finances.

Interestingly enough, this leads to Tywin naming him new Master of Coin.

Tyrion knows he's good at spending money, but not caring for it.

Cersei asserts that he'll do fine.  This seems ominous, but who cares!  Because...

9:14 - Jaime and Brienne are here!
They're being lead about by some men singing "The Bear and the Maiden Fair*."
It's about time we got introduced to this song.  By the way, scroll down to the * for the lyrics to this...madrigal?


So, anyway, Brienne's pretty pissed about this whole getting captured thing.

"Maybe people just love to praise a famous name."  haha!  nice burn, Brienne.

She's not huge on his fighting skills.

Anyway, he goes on to tell her she's going to get raped all night long by all these guys 'cause they've never seen a noblewoman. He tells her not to resist it, or they'll knock her teeth out.  It makes me want to scream.

"You think I care about my teeth?"

He goes on to say that she's not worth value as a prisoner, and so they'll likely kill her. He also notes that if he was a woman in this case he'd make them kill him. (her?)
I can't help but be disgusted by Jaime's flip-flopping between advising Brienne to "lie still and think of Renly" followed by an assertion that he'd rather die than be raped.  What a lose-lose situation that sets up for Brienne!

9:16 - Now here we are, back with Arya.

Thoros tells her that these woods are "no place for Ned Stark's girl."

It seems like they've set up at an inn.

Hot Pie is staying put here, because he's good at baking?  He made brown bread that the inkeepers said was the best they'd tried, and they've offered him some sort of paid position.

Interesting change.  Gendry is continuing with Arya, not staying behind.  Yet.
Anyway, Hot Pie's baked Arya something... Dunno.  A pie?

So, they take off.

But not before Arya can yell "Hey Hot Pie, it's really good!"

She's much nicer about Hot Pie's decision in the show.  More caring and dimensional overall, actually.

9:18 - Catelyn and Brynden sit and chat, catching up and whatnot, talking about making peace and not calling Brynden "Blackfish".

Whatever, man.

They reminisce some more about dead people. (her kids, her dad, her husband, etc)
This show's going to have a lot of that.

9:20 - So Brynden pleads with Cat to stay strong and believe that Sansa and Arya are still out there, to keep Robb strong.  That is, of course, the role of most women in fiction - bolstering the stories of the men.
Let's see if Cat's narrative ends up being any different.  But I'm not holding my breath - there's like a week between these episodes!

9:21 - Ha! Some kid's asking Talisa about Robb being a Warg and eating people at night.
Oh, it's the Lannister kids.  Or, you know, hostages.

Talisa handles it well, noting Robb only eats people on full moons? And never children.

9:21 - So we're with the Wildlings at the fist of the first men!

"Always the artists," says Mance.

They pan out to reveal a bunch of severed horse heads radiating out in a spiral.



"How many men were here?" Mance asks.
"About 300," Jon tells him.
"You know what they are now?"
He shakes his head.
"Meat for their army."

Tormund is told to find the Warg.

They're going to climb the Wall.  Jon included, of course, as he knows the layout of Castle Black.  Mance informs Tormund that should Jon fail, Tormund should throw him off the Wall.
Thus begins the slow beginning of the Wilding surge.

9:24 - Sam and the Crows are marching, up near Craster's Keep.
Sam notices Ghost is in the distance.  Doesn't pursue him though - fuck, Sam!  What does Ghost have to do to convince you to be best friends?  He already saved your life!

Craster isn't interested in housing the men at first, but they all get intimidating at clutch at their weapons and shit.

9:25 - Inside it seems like Gilly is giving birth. Cool, I guess?  But how does this balance out with the lack of Val so far?  Hopefully that's not a spoiler - and let's be real, if it is, y'all probably won't remember it by the time it becomes relevant.


Anyway, Craster claims he's a godly man and would have turned these men away if he weren't.
Great, always looking forward to more religion.

Oh, then he sends someone to tell the birthing woman so that she can "bite down on a rag or bite down on my fist." Then looks to the men and says "women."

Shit, then he goes on to lick his lips and claim that Sam is a walking feast. Gross.

Craster, circa... much later.

9:28 - so Sam creeps about and witnesses the birth of a baby boy and all is well.  Except for the whole "sacrificing all male children to the wights/white walkers/i can't fucking remember the distinction right now so let's all take a drink!" deal.

9:28 - Hey, look everybody! It's Theon!
They show him thrashing about,  (with one pristine hand.)

He's told to ride east. His sister's waiting for him there.

"I'll make you a lord of the Iron Islands," Theon tells his saviour.

"We're not in the Iron Islands."

Is this really what happened to Theon?

9:30 - Whelp, Melisandre and Stannis are on a beach, and Stannis is demanding to be served.
He wants Joffrey dead. He wants Robb Stark dead.

He tells her he wants another son.
She tells him it'll kill him.

"I'm not so easily killed, men have been trying for years."

They embrace.

"Your fires burn low, my king."

So now they're going to talk about sacrificing the bastards.

"There must be sacrifices, the lord of light demands it."

She leaves him on the beach.

Stannis is mad rapey.  Did i miss this in the books?  What the fuck!  All I know is I reeeeeally don't enjoy his scenes, despite my fascination with Melisandre and her magic.

9:31 - Dany and Jorah walk through the actual Walk of Punishment.
They come across a man sentenced to death.  He's crucified and lacerated.  It's pretty horrible.
Dany wants to give the guy water, but he refuses.
They talk about how she'll have blood on her hands, and innocents must die.

Jorah and Barristan talk war.

Blah blah King's Landing, blah blah, Rape, blah blah, Butchery, blah blah, Swords.


Oh hey, the unsullied don't rape apparently.


I don't fucking know.  They are supposed to be castrated or worse (depending on if you're basing this on the books or the show)

9:30 - Barristan and Jorah talk about Rhaegar, whom Barristan Selmy fought for long ago. Barristan tries to convince Dany to fight with the same honour Rhaegar had.  Jorah counters that "Rhaegar fought valiantly. Rhaegar fought nobly. Rhaegar died."

9:34 - Dany goes to buy all the unsullied.  Something like 8,000 of them.
This guy says she can't afford them, regardless of "flashing her tits."  He calls her a slut a few times as well.

Dany wants all of them. Even those in training.

Apparently she can only afford one hundred.

(because Kraznis likes the curve of her ass.)
So Kraznis goes, insulting the Dothraki all super racist style, then
asks Dany how she plans on paying for the unsullied.

"I have dragons. I will give you one."

Jorah and Barristan shit their pants.

3 Dragons, Kraznis wants.

1 Dany says.

2 Kraznis says.

1 Dany says.

Kraznis wants the biggest one.

"Done," Dany says.

Then she goes on to say she's talking the translator as well. 

"You are his gift to me. A bargain for a deal well done."

9:37 - Dany rips into Jorah and Selmy for questioning her in front of strangers.
Ha.  However, her threat is pretty empty - basically "you're my advisers, but if you question me in front of strangers, you can advise someone else!"
seems a bit mild, considering how business is done in this universe.

So it turns out Missandei here (the translator) doesn't have a family or anything (does Dany still not understand how slavery works?), so she's going with Dany.

Dany asks about the commitment of Missandei who tells her "Valar Morghulis"

"Yes, all men must die," Dany says, "But we are not men."

9:38 - meanwhile, at Tryion's house...
He and Littlefinger discuss Ros and her freedom, wealth and sex workers. Oh, and Pod.
Good times.

So Bronn shows up and he, Pod and Tyrion leave through the Brothel.
Lots of breasts here. You should probably drink. Cause that's pretty loosely justified.

Anyway, they've taken Pod to Jenna, who specializes in first timers.

He backs up a fair deal. He seems a little intimidated.
Oh, shit. There are two girls.

Nope. 3.

Tyrion discusses each of their individual skills and traits.
It's well, what one would expect from this show.

They leave a terrified Pod with the woman and go off to work the books.

9:42 - It turns out that the Crown is poor. Owes millions to Tywin.
Bronn's not surprised, but he's also pretty damn confused.

Tywin explains interest to him in a funny fashion.

9:44 - Pod's back. Tyrion hopes he's gotten his money's worth.

Pod gives him the money back.
"That's more than I pay you in a year."
"He's a squire," Bronn chips in.
"That's much more than I pay you in a year."

Umm, it seems as though Pod is so good he got the womens' time for free?

Tyrion and Bronn sit him down seemingly to beg for advice.

~*~*VOMIT BREAK!*~*~

9:45 - Theon's riding a horse in the field.
Theon is lost.
Theon is getting shot at.

oooh, the Bolton men have found him and are chasing on horseback.

Time for a horseback car chase!

it's the name of the game.

9:47 - so it never really looks like he's going to get away, but after some running and riding, he's maced by someone and goes to the ground.

oh no.

"you know what we do with runaways, don't you?"

"take off his pants," Ramsay says.

Theon starts pleading with them.

"I'm going to fuck you into the dirt."

Before anyone can fuck anybody though, the Ramsay men are dispelled by somebody with a bow.

This random helper kills everybody and says to Theon; "Come my lord, you're a long way from home and winter is coming."

I hate how often this show makes me gasp in relief at not having to face a rape scene.  I mean...fuck.

9:49 - Welp, as Jaime predicted, the men are deciding what order they get to rape Brienne in.

She says who she is and who she serves. They start beating her and begin carrying her into the woods.
She goes screaming.

Wow, lots of rape in this show.

9:50 - "You know who she is, don't you?"

The man claims she's a big dumb bitch.

"They call it the sapphire isle. You know why they call it the Sapphire Islands, don't you?"

Struggling and screaming goes on in the background. This is taking quite awhile.

"You know what a sapphire is, don't you? They're the blue ones."

Eventually the leader of this shitty little troupe calls them to bring Brienne back, seeing as Jaime's assured them the Lord of Tarth will pay her weight in sapphires for her safe, un-"besmirched" return.
They do, and she seems mostly unscathed, still basically clothed.  Her breastplate is gone, but that might be all.

9:51 - Jaime explains that if they return him to his family they'll be rewarded heavily.

"The north can't win this war..."

Jaime promises these guys the world to get taken home alive.
He goes so far as to ask to not be chained to the tree - so he can sleep lying down.

The men oblige, and offer some food.

"We've got a spare partridge on the fire."

Jaime believes them.  Oh fuck.

"Bring the bird over here, and the carving knife..."

oh no, a carving knife!

They slam Jaime down to the ground near a stump.  Where have I seen this before?


"You think you're the smartest man there is."

They go on to say all he ever does is say "my father..." and all his troubles are done.


...seriously though, not a bad episode.

"A bear there was,"
"A bear, A BEAR!
"All black and brown,"
"And covered with hair!
"Oh come they said,"
"Oh come to the fair!"
"The fair? said he,
"But I'm a bear!"
"All black and brown,"
"And covered in hair!"
"And down the road,"
"From here to there,"
"From here!To there!"
"Three boys, a goat,"
"And a dancing bear!"
"They danced and spun,"
"All the way to the fair!"
"Oh! sweet she was,"
"And pure and fair,"
"The maid with honey,"
"In her hair! Her hair,"
"The maid with honey,"
"in her hair!"
The bear smelled the scent,
"On the summer air!"
"The Bear! The Bear!"
"All black and brown,"
"And covered with hair!"
"He smelled the scent,"
"On the summer air,"
"He sniffed and roared,"
"And smelled it there!"
"Honey on the summer air!"
"Oh I'm a maid,"
"And I'm pure and fair,"
"I'll never dance,"
"With a hairy bear,"
"A bear! A bear!"
"I'll never dance,"
"With a hairy bear!"
"The bear,the bear!"
"Lifted her high,"
into the air!"
The bear, the bear!"
"I called for a knight!"
"But you're a bear!"
"A bear! A bear,"
"All black and brown,"
"And cover in hair!"
"She kicked and wailed,"
"The maid so fair,"
"But he licked the honey,"
"From her hair!"
"Her hair! Her hair!"
"He licked the honey,"
"From her hair!"
"Then she sighed and squealed,"
"And kicked the air,"
"She sang: My bear so fair,"
"And off they went,"
"The bear! The bear!"
"And the maiden fair!"

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