this episode's called a man without honor... without the 'u'. you know, cause even though the majority of the cast is british or sounds british, this martin dude is yank, and thus, fuck the letter U.
will dany get her dragons back? will theon tighten his stranglehold on winterfell? will robb keep winning battles?!
grab a drink and a seat (even though sitting'll kill ya!) then join us after the jump and we'll all find out together.
8:30 - oh, my! you're early. we're still watching bob's burgers and treating ourselves to some guacamole. umm, still! welcome! just try to be careful about this early thing in the future, cause y'know,
8:55 - today's episode is brought to you by our old friend, james ready, and new buddy revel stoke whiskey
9:00 - theon's a douche. osha is awesome! poor bran. oh no, the dragons are gone. here we are running down last week's episode. i sorta hope this week's episode isn't so...brutal. but i think that's what we're in for from here on out. that's pretty exciting.
9:05 - hey look, it's theon. he's in bed, and realizes osha is gone. people are standing around the dead guard. ramsay is there. theon is berating everyone for letting 'a halfwit escape with a cripple.' one of his men shows some insubordination, and theon's having none of that. he beats the shit out of him.
9:05 - they're on horseback now, hunting the boys. the greyjoy shields are bad ass.
"with hunting there's blood at the end." theon and the maester are having a heated conversation about what's to be done with the stark boys. the maester says robb's sending men, so theon better be careful.
"ned stark always said 500 men could hold winterfell against 10,000"
9:06 - we see one of the wolves, and it turns out hodor and osha have bran and rickon.
bran's so noble, not taking food from the kitchens so people don't get killed for him.
9:08 - second base! it's morning time and ygritte and jon are still both not frozen.
lol, boner jokes!
"did you pull a knife on me in the night?"
so now ygritte's making fun of jon pretty heartily.
and now she's suggesting they do it, but jon's sworn an oath, so he can't. poor jon
"no wonder you're all so miserable."
ygritte is funny.
9:10 - so now ygritte and jon are having some heated conversations about oaths and sex.
"instead of getting naked with a girl you'd rather invade our lands."
aaand, now an ancestry battle!
"so why you fighting us?"
ygritte is awesome.
9:11 - now we're at harrenhal with tywin and the mountain. *drink*
tywin feels his life was a target.
"i always thought you had a talent for violence." tywin is awesome. this new clegane though, meh.
9:12 - "is that mutton? i don't like mutton." tywin is also funny, and he offers arya his food. is it poisoned? he's probably paranoid. he remarks that arya is undersized, saying she's likely been underfed her whole life.
arya is so sneaky, always squirrelling away information. and getting ready to murder tywin.
"it's what remains of you when you're gone."
powerful words, there, tywin. i was really hoping arya would stab him.
9:14 - "yes, dragons happened."
harrenhal was built to withstand attacks from the ground. but not dragons.
arya knows the names of the king and his sisters, who also rode the dragons into attack.
ooh, a valyrian steel sword called dark sister. these targaeryen ladies are cool.
9:16 - ooh, this is a tense conversation now between tywin and arya. he's impressed that she idolized a woman warrior instead of a princess like jonquil (and book readers will recognize that as a dig against sansa!)
"careful, my girl. i like you, but be careful."
"and girl, m'lord. high born girls say my lord. if you're going to play a lowborn girl you better do it better."
oooh, tywin. he's actually really amazing - his scenes with arya are definitely some of the best in this season.
9:17 - "no it gives me joy to kill people." hey! look! it's the hound and sansa. hound is pretty threatening, and that's right along with the book. he tells her that ned stark must also have loved killing men, because it's basically awesome. he is right fucking creepy, and it's wonderful.
9:18 - xaro is going to call the 13 together! he'll find dany's dragons, he said!
9:19 - "you think we're savages 'cause we don't live in stone castles."
ygritte is a friggin' quote machine, and she goes on berating jon some more,
and trumpeting the awesomeness of freedom. she wants jon to come with her out into
"you're a pretty lad. girls would claw each other's eyes out to get naked with you."
she offers to teach how to do it, and BAM!
"you know nothing, jon snow."
*drink* i loooooove that this is the first time she says it. sexy as all hell. oh my.
9:20 - okay, now robb's holding council with that lannister boy, who tells him and cersei ripping up their letter. they have too many prisoners. sir alton can't get his own pen. so the men will build him a new one, but for now he's in with the kingslayer!
9:22 - roose bolton was going to chat, but talisa shows up. she wants to talk to robb.
"i've been treating your wounded men."
she's out of supplies. horribly, horribly medieval supplies. and she needs new supplies. mm, like milk of the poppy.
"i assume there'll be more loss of limb before this war is over."
9:23 - oooh robb, you so honoUrable.
(psst! they're going to bang soon (probably - bracket within a bracket oooommmmggggg)
9:25 - back at winterfell, theon's lost the scent of stark boys. then there's some eunuch foreshadowing.
"its better to be cruel than weak."
now theon, always the coolest is beating up old men in means of interrogation to find the boys.
ramsay snow's found something, and the maester is getting sent home.
9:25 - back to dany, still doing nothing, still with no dragons, but irri is dead. so dany is sad. and uhh, jorah is back. doreah is missing. a bunch of her people are dead.
"i lead my people out of the red waste and into the slaughterhouse."
dany wants to know who her people are. her brother was her only people, and he certainly wasn't good to her. jorah tells her the people of westeros will be happy to see her come back, but dany is wising up.
you'd better wise up
9:29 - after going on and on, and threatening to tell everyone that she'll say he did it anyway, ygritte gets close to jon, as though they're going to bone. but he shoots her down, so she takes off. jon's lost... and well, ygritte whistles and there are wildlings everywhere.
"you should have took me when you had the chance."
9:30 - okay, sansa nightmare times... and then boom! period. she loses her shit and starts cutting up the sheets and the mattress to hide things.
very similar to the book! only the dream is way less graphic and visceral.
"if the queen sees i can have joffrey's children now..."
"help me flip it over" shae is so nice.
some other handmaid runs in, but shae chases her down with a knife and threatens the shit out of her. but, it's to late. the hound has seen. thus, the hound's super creepy paternal pervocracy of sansa's life continues.
9:32 - okay, well, cersei knows. so they're having 'the talk'. drink!
9:33 - this talk about her birthing and robert's lack of inclusion, and jaime being there. wow, cersei admitted to a lot.
"i love his grace with all my heart."
"that's so touching to hear. allow me to share some wisdom with you on this oh so special day. the more people you love, the weaker you are..."
9:35 - hey it's jaime!
"there's only one fat lannister. if she was your mother, you'd know it."
ha, jaime's squire got proper shitfaced at the frey wedding. this cousin of his squired for him in lieu of the horse puker. pretty funny stuff. jaime is really sweet, it's interesting. didn't expect to see them showing this side of things at this point.
a stark guard shushes them in the middle of their story. heh, but jaime wants it to keep going. he needs to hear about when things were better and he was great.
9:38 - welp, now jaime's telling a story about barristan selmy and squiring for him.
"he was a painter. a painter who used only one hand..."
oooh, nice. exciting developments the more!
"it's a good thing i am who i am. i would have been useless at anything else." poor jaime. he's so eloquent, and such a dick, shit talking ned stark.
apparently he thinks about killing himself every day. but he thinks he can break out.
9:41 - "you'll have to die."
bam! jaime kills the shit out of his cousin (kudos to the foley or sound design people. really creating a nice skull smash there), and then the guard that comes in to investigate while jaime plays possum. holy crap!
9:42 - quaithe is painting with the blood of ram from its skull onto the back and ass of a naked man. her mask is dope, and she knows where the dragons are.
"will you betray her again?"
quaithe wants to know important things.
"the thief you seek is with her now."
9:43 - mmm, finally pyat pree is going to take her to the house of the undying, to give her back the dragons! we are not surprised, but we are very excited!
9:43 - "there is no king of qarth!"
"there is now. that was the arrangement."
burn. xaro has betrayed her!
"three dragons the size of cats and an alliance with a charlatan do not make you a king."
9:44 - "the mother of dragons will be with her babies. she will give them her love, and they will thrive by her side. forever."
UNBELIEVABLE AMOUNT OF SLAYING! the thirteen are severely diminished!
and pyat pree has not and cannot be killed by ser jorah. fucking incredible scene.
9:45 - brienne! "don't enter without an invitation, man."
they caught jaime! bet that sure was worth killing your buddy back there, eh?
9:47 - whoa! nobody, certainly not any karstark, talks to catelyn like that!
9:47 - "how dare you!"
"treatening my lady is an act of treason!"
"treason? how can killing a lannister be an act of treason?"
9:48 - jaime is so shitty, hahahahaha
what a total shitheelmcdickfuck
9:48 - "and gag him!"
9:48 - there is so much tension between tyrion and cersei - such powerful actors, i love watching them together!
9:49 - "i'm not the one giving the boy whores to abuse."
"i thought they might help him -"
yikes. good call, cersei. i'm glad they brought that up again - given that this scene wasn't in the books, we need to see it taken up seriously within the show in order to understand why it was inflicted on us, lol!
9:50 - oh my...what an interesting insight into jaime's character? and cersei is terrified that joffrey's propensity for horrific sadism is the price to be paid for their incest. how horrible and terrible for her...
"you've beaten the odds. tommen and myrcella are good, decent children, both of them."
oh, poor tyrion. he wants to comfort her, but can that ever occur between them? it seems impossible.
beautiful, humanizing, amazing. i defy people to unabashedly hate on cersei after this point (though i'm sure they will continue doing so).
952 - "who wants to die defending a lannister?" hahaha the scorn in her voice.
9:52 - jaime, why are you suuuuuuch a shitball? for real! i mean, it's hilarious and charismatic and horrible all at once, so, pretty entertaining.
"you are no knight. you've forsaken every vow you've ever took."
and jaime rebuts all of that in a way that...is very honest and relatable, and difficult to rebut. and then turns it around by body-shaming brienne.
"she is a truer knight than you will ever be, kingslayer."
"kingslayer. and what a king he was."
"you are a man without honour."
DRINK! episode title!
jaime says he's only been with one woman - cersei - and therefore has more honour than poor, old, dead ned.
he knows that she was never good at pretending to love jon snow. she's an honest woman, which requires hating a child. and she could never live with the living, breathing manifestation of the honourable lord eddard stark having fucked another woman.
9:55 - OH GOD THEON FUCK SHIT NO
I THOUGHT THEY WERE CUTTING THIS OUT
I WAS FUCKING WRONG
9:55 - the maester's scream made me tear up, and the climactic music was very dark and well-placed indeed. holy SHIT.