it's sunday, so here one comes, and this one certainly looks to be a doozy.
did you know bronn had +4 archery skills?
expect all sorts of carnage, and bloodshed, and well, certainly fire tonight.
will bronn finally find some pigshit he fancies? will dany enter the house of the undying? will jon snow face mance rayder? will stannis breach the mud gate?
join us below the cut to find out.
8:30 - welcome! you're a tad early, but pull up a stool, and pour out a drink. this round's on us.
8:45 - time's ticking down to the episode, so make sure you're stocked up on goodies. you don't want to miss anything!
8:55 - almost there. turn the phone on silent and pop the tops off. today's episode sees the return of old buddy james ready, and the addition of maudite, which seemed fitting. also, we were watching the simpsons earlier, and the mentioned game of thrones briefly. huh.
8:59 - dammit! foiled again. stupid ricky gervais shows.
9:03 - this previously on game of thrones is intense. wildfire! everyone is plotting to kill everyone else it seems, but hey - we knew this. seems like a lot of this westeros action is coming to a head tonite!
9:05 - oh man! i forgot to mention! mr. martin himself writes this one.
9:05 - we start out in the sea on a boat
9:05 - davos is there, walking back. the boat and the music are just super frightening.
9:06 - "kings landing hasn't been home for 20 years..."
davos discusses going back with one of his sons, who is super confident about the outcome of this. poor davos.
"i have faith in the lord of light."
9:08 - we're in the lavish hand's chamber with tyrion and shae. he explains that he's obviously afraid.
"it's not your war," he tells her.
she mounts him.
"it is now."
"you can't fuck your way out of everything," he tells her again.
"i have so far."
then she references their first night together, and how she'd make love to him like it was the last day on earth.
9:10 - now we're with cersei and the maester pycelle.he brought her some essence of nightshade, y'know, just in case.
"i know what ten drops will bring."
she sends the maester off.
9:11 - bronn and his men are singing some lannister songs. (ed note - the rains of castamere)
"where did you learn a lannister song?"
bronn seems to be picking up a girl who likes his busted-ass nose. his mom broke it the first time, aiming for his younger bro who was always a pest. a few older boys the second time. the third time, well the clothes are coming off. i'm happy to see a woman of colour, but not so happy that it's during a public sex scene. or - well, admittedly, sort of happy. but sad about it.
"well, you don't want to hear about it."
"don't feel sorry for it, it'll be halfway up your ass by the time the night's through."
9:13 - the hound shows up and is offered a drink *drink* and turns it down.
now he and bronn are having a bit of a staredown.
"you think you're a hard man?" he asks bronn.
bronn offers brown ale and beautiful women, but he knows the hound is there to kill.
"there's women in the ground. i put some there myself. so did you."
"you like drinking, and fucking, and singing, but killing. killing's the thing you love. you're just like me. only smaller."
"and quicker, i'm quicker."
"your lord imp's going to miss you."
oooh, shit. they were going to throw down, but the bells are ringing.
the bells are ringing.
"one more drink before the war, shall we," bronn asks?
and the hound agrees.
9:15 - tyrion and varys oversee things from above as tyrion suits up.
9:16 - varys gives tyrion a map of the tunnels underground while podrick payne dresses tyrion in his battle-vestments.
tyrion is the captain of this ship, apparently.
9:17 - oooh, they're discussing melisandre now, and the impact she might have on this.
varys keeps pressing on with information, about magic, and trust, and even how he was cut.
" i don't believe i've ever told you how i was cut."
"one day i will."
then he tells tyrion stannis can't sit on the throne because he'd earn it by dark magic.
"..and tonight i believe you're the only man that can stop him."
then tyrion takes his axe.
9:18 - "they're welcoming the new king"
battle of the bands time!
9:19 - "i saw you kill a man with a shield." bronn asserts tyrion will be better with an axe! i wager he's right.
9:19 - tyrion tells bronn that they're actually friends, not sellsword and lord. it's cute.
sansa is super tall. gorgeous dress.
people are assembling in the red keep.
9:20 - joffrey is there, beckoning to sansa as though she's a dog.
"i will pray for your your safety, my lord," she tells tyrion. "just as i pray for the king's."
tyrion appreciates the irony.
tyrion and shae have a furtive sweet moment, then joffrey has sansa kiss his sword, 'cause y'know, of course.
then he gets flustered as she not-so-subtly challenges his battle plans and contrasts his bravery with robb's.
"a king doesn't discuss battle plans with stupid girls."
then sansa explains that robb is clearly more manly, because joff would "of course" be in the vanguard - as robb was always wherever the battle was the thickest.
joffrey has sick ideas of swords and blood consumption.
"the worst ones always live," sansa tells shae. she's become so tragically wise.
9:22 - outside, a horse runs by. joffrey is terrified.
they realize their fleet isn't in place. joffrey is pissed, and a game of telephone begins.
"that would make me the quarter man. that doesn't have the same ring to it."
tyrion starts barking demands, because he likes his head, and doesn't want it removed just yet.
9:23 - sansa is now down below with the queen and the rest of the women.
she's getting drunk *drink*
she's a quote machine!
"i was wondering where my little dove had flown."
cersei's outfit is absolutely amazing. lannister crimson, gold filigree, and what looks to be an embossed or engraved gold bodice, tapering to a belt in the back. what the fuck! costumes! so good!
"fitting, isn't it? men will bleed out there and you will bleed in here."
sansa protests that they have guards, but cersei corrects her. they have guards they have paid - who, once the gates fall, will be the first out the door.
9:25 - news is brought of the first traitors, and cersei is swift.
"have them put their heads on pikes..."
she demands more wine and goes on about traitors. it's cute.
9:26 - tyrion and joffrey stand atop the walls with the archers ready, but ummm, there's apparently some confusion, and there's a dummy ship?
oooh! it's got wildfire in it!
it's turning the water green.
9:28 - "steer clear," davos cries.
but bronn's already drawn the first arrow!
green explosions every where!
davos sons are blown flying. so is davos. it's so sad.
the hound is unhappy!
massive green flames rip everything apart.
this is well, wow.
these guys are all sons of bitches now!
9:30 - stannis is still alive though, and wants to take the city.
"your grace. the wildfire, hundreds will die."
"thousands," stannis tells him
and shortly after they storm the gates.
finally, stannis is the hardass iron we've read about!
9:31 - so cersei is holding more drunken court with sansa, and discussing death and the finality of it.
"the gods have no mercy, that's why they're gods."
she missed her mother when she died. she was four at the time, and believed prayer could return her mother to life. tywin soon set her straight.
"your father doesn't believe in the gods?"
"he believes in them, he just doesn't like them very much."
whelp, now sansa's stuck drinking with cersei, who is looking beautiful.
"i should have been born a man. i'd rather face a thousand swords out there than be shut up with this flock of frightened hens."
well-bred sansa is shocked by this confession. "they're your guests, you invited them --"
"it was expected of me!"
she's crazy. but awesome. and honest! and there's an interesting commentary on gendered socialization here - who's to say she isn't just as ruthless as fan-favourite jaime, just in a less palatable (ie more lovely and female/woman-identifiable) form?
sansa asks what will happen if the city falls.
she says she'd go yield to stannis, not asking for a private council... 'cause it'd be easier trying to seduce his horse. cersei is drunk and losing it.
"if the city falls, these fine women should be in for a bit of a rape..."
you can tell she's downplaying the situation.
"you'll be glad of your red flower, come the morning."
then she goes on to explain that sansa is a slice of cake waiting to be eaten.
9:34 - stannis' men are approaching shore.
tyrion tells them to rain fire, and the hound is sent to form a 'welcoming party'
"any of these fucking flaming arrows come near me, i'll strangle you with your own guts."
9:36 - it seems they're just shooting regular flaming arrows? they're mowing people down but there are tons left to storm the beaches. stannis reaches the walls of the mudgate, and the man next to him loses his head to a huge stone.
from the hound "any man dies with a clean sword, i'll rape his fucking corpse!"
holy shit! this is gory! people are cut in half!
lancel is arrowed!
9:37 - back inside to cersei, now waxing poetic about jaime, and the difference of their upbringing. fighting versus singing. heirs and being sold.
9:38 - oh, shit. now she's found shae, and is teaching her to curtsy.
a lorathi commoner she was. ceresi knows this, because she had a lorathi handmaiden once.
"but she was a nobleman's daughter. you're not."
it seems cersei is wising up.
you'd better wise up!
"tell us a story, shae."
9:39 - lancel is here! he brings the bad news, of how "the imp" has burnt up the bay and the ships in it, but the men have made it ashore.
cersei tells him to bring joffrey back.
she wants her son protected at all costs.
she must protect her son from the
robots baratheons, starks, et al!
she then explains that ilyn payne is there to murder them both if stannis takes the city.
9:41 - we're back to the bloody, flaming, gory battle, and the hound is scared as hell.
poor sandor! all the fire is messing him up
9:42 - stannis' men have breached the walls now, and are battling men over top.
joffrey runs away.
sandor needs a drink.
"fuck the water. bring me wine."
then he drinks a bottle of wine.
tyrion offers him "some ice milk, and some nice raspberry too."
"i lost half my men to the fire. the blackwater is on fire."
fuuuuuck, poor clegane. the way his voice broke there.
joffrey commands him off. as does tyrion.
"fuck the king's guard. fuck the city. fuck the king."
wow. the hound is epic.
9:44 - they're ramming the gates now, with a sick baratheon battering ram.
and scaling the walls with ladders.
lancel has caught up with joffrey to take him back.
but tyrion says he should stay.
this guy is just a kid. i mean, i hate him, but...fuck.
he leaves ser manden moore with tyrion to represent the king on the field of battle.
all of the lannister men break, and gather around tyrion.
"where's the king" some shout.
"i'll lead the attack," tyrion tells them.
"if i'm a half man, then what does that make the lot of you?"
"don't fight for your king..."
well, it's a really inspiring speech, other than the ownership implied by rape snuck in there, but hey. this is one of those... well, jeff winger speeches.
"there are brave men knocking down our door. let's go kill them!"
9:47 - inside, lancel is telling cersei about the seeming defeat and she punches his arrow wound. smooth.
the women panic, and sansa manages to lead them into a hymn. she'll make an excellent queen, should she ever get the chance.
shae pulls her around the corner and sends her back to her room, but not before lifting up her skirt to reveal a blade.
9:49 - sansa is in her room now, hiding. he fetches a lantern and a doll.
"the lady's starting to panic."
"i'm going. some place that isn't burning. north might be. could be."
"what about the king?"
"he can die just fine on his own."
"i could take you with me. take you to winterfell. i'll keep you safe. do you want to go home?"
"i'll be safe here. stannis won't hurt me."
he lunges forward.
"look at me. stannis is a killer. the lannisters are killers...." blah blah everyone kills.
"the world is built by killers. so you better get used to looking at them."
"you won't hurt me."
"no, little bird. i won't hurt you."
9:51 - out passed the walls, there is some killing going on.
tyrion is kicking ass on the battle field. the men start chanting "half-man, half-man."
after they set a canoe ablaze?
but then tyrion looks up and a second wave is coming.
"oh, fuck me!" tyrion says.
9:52 - stannis is here, beheading people, whoa! ser manden moore! he got tyrion, right across the face! whoa! and then pod gets moore through the head with an arrow, ending that ordeal. tyrion! no!
ow! my nose!
ow! my face!
ow! my nose!
ow! my face!
9:53 - inside, cersei sits with tommen telling him of the evils that exist in the shadows. stags and wolves! but as he becomes king, all the animals will bow to him.
9:54 - on the battlefield, another wave of men (potentially from highgarden? [edit: apparently aided by tywin]) starts tearing across the battlefield. tyrion is in bad shape, potentially mortal shape... and cersei comes insanely close to poisoning tommen. at the last moment, tywin and loras bust the door in, and stannis is pulled away by his men.
"the battle is over, and we've won." tywin declares, walking into the room.
that episode was huge!
huge huge huge!
is it terrible that i kept hearing march of the dead all the way through this?
9:56 - this sounds like leonard cohen (singing the rains of castamere)
so that was pretty much the best episode yet. and i liked the sex scenes in it! they all seemed narrative.
do you agree?
i mean...george r.r. martin. that motherfucker knows how to adapt his own work. fucking incredible.
we're staying up to watch it again.
watch it again, one more time
watch it again, or i'll break your back
watch it again, or i'll punch your fucking face
you're gonna accept the kids' movie
or i'll kiiiiiilllll you
and the chorus now, everybody