Friday, May 4, 2012

movie review: easy a.

easy a.
canadian release date: 17-september-2010
writers: bert v. royal
director: will gluck
starring: emma stone, patricia clarkson, stanley tucci, aly michalka, amanda bynes

this is the first movie by writer bert v. royal.  not that you care, but -
it's a fact.
emma stone's appeal seems to be pretty-well universal, and i'd say that's a pretty good reason to check out this movie - with us!  after the jump!
j/d: the movie is easy a. the blog is this one!
r/r: so i don't know why, but i'm a pretty big fan of high school movies and tv shows.  daria, my so-called life, many a john hughes/similarly 80s movie (i think the breakfast club and can't buy me love were two of my favourite movies in grade eight), brick, carrie, mean girls, jawbreaker, superbad, clone high, the faculty, huge (though that was a camp, not a high school), less than kind (though not entirely about high school), 10 things i hate about you, and probably a ton of others.  feel free to suggest more in the comments!
j/d: aaand, we're getting told all about some studios. everybody has to get their cut right? yay, screen gems again! they're part of sony pictures entertainment company. not, sony computer entertainment though, that's the playstation. this is a movie, which.. holy shit, can be played on a playstation! more on this and other breaking news at 11pm!
j/d: anyway, after being reminded about screen gems and how they present things, we're told about the people responsible for this stuff now! all while some people go 'da dadadada dadadada' and we see the streets of california.
r/r: california is so fucking pretty.  i want to go back there some day.
j/d: and we're in ojai,  with a population of 8202! a sign in a montage shows me before we show up at a highschool and people's names jump on the grass. ha! amanda bynes is in the movie.
r/r: amanda bynes!  it's so funny how prophetic that robot chicken sketch ended up being.
r/r: it is just...too unbelievable that emma stone is ignored in high school.  she is very pretty, y'all!  and i love her monologue delivery.  but she's also very...confident?  aware?  i don't know.  it doesn't register as "teenage."  she has this very cool sense of not actually needing validation from others, which kind of throws the whole concept of the film into question.
j/d: 'the rumours of my promiscuity have been greatly over-exaggerated.' ha, funny opening monologue from emma stone here. she tells us she's olive penderghast and promises to tell the truth and bemoans her below average breasts. then amanda bynes knocks her down! oooh! and the movie's a webcast! chapter one: 'the shudder inducing and cliched, however totally false account of how i lost my virginity to a guy at community college' this is written on some paper in a fancy matter. wow! what a fascinating concept, webcasts and chapters, and there being two sides to every story
r/r: below average breast size - you know, i never noticed until she said it!  haha!  but it suits her frame quite well.  anyway, i think the narrative conceit is clever and fun.
r/r: quasi-obligatory "awkward character drops their shit everywhere because they are awkward and/or invisible to others" scene.  drink?
r/r: lots of white people in ojai.  shit, my eyes are way too dry and exhausted to do a poc background count today.  sorry, folks.
j/d: so now olive and her friend are discussing good names to say during climax, and the sandman shows up to teach them about context and saying cliches. lockers outside are weird. sandman floats away. i thiiiink he's a teacher. oh, and his name is mr. griffith, another voice over.
r/r: i think maybe teacher buddy should have just backed off of this conversation.  it feels automatically inappropriate.  oh, also:
r/r: no no, unprotected sex is what leads to unwanted pregnancy.  fucking american education system!
j/d: okay, the friend has a stupid name i'm too lazy to write. but her parents are nudists? who smoke weed? weed break. any way, the friend and olive walk and talk. olive avoids a camping trip by lying about a boyfriend named george to get out of it all blahblahblah. here we are back to the beginning talking about george.
r/r: haaa...boobsmashface.  that was awkward.  and i think less funny than they intended it to be?  but still cute.  even cuter how rhiannon is like, pretty conventional.  i imagine that's part of her teenaged rebellion, don'tcha know.
still a little sad that she doesn't want to spend very much time with rhiannon.  they seem to have a kind of unbalanced relationship in that regard.
j/d: olive lied though, and she actually got a card from her grandma that plays that pocket full of sunshine song, and some money. she spends the weekend listening to the card, painting her nails with the dog, sewing pants, dancing. it's all cute and funny. the card even makes it into the shower, and lasts all weekend….and by sunday night i think she downloaded the song? oooh, nope.
r/r: this might be one of the cutest and best sequences in the movie.
hahaha goddamn it
why is emma stone so great?
how come you're so great? (link)
r/r: her bedroom is ridiculous.  those windows?  what?
j/d: oh no! rhi asks about the date with george. she lies. 'feels like i got a love and it's all mine'…oooh, she says it was one of those 'all weekend things' and rhi assumes she did it with george! ha! and she doesn't have the 'lady balls' to tell her about it.
r/r: heehee, she quoted the sunshine song.

r/r: oh my fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu i hate the term v-card.  so annoying!
is that where you got your v-card punched? (link)
r/r: "you know, you call me bitch a lot.  it's not really a term of endearment."
j/d: so then rhi drags olive into the bathroom, and there's a whole yarn of lies told, and it's pretty funny. she felt superior to rhi, and just kept going on, even mentioning 'you know, like those glade candles? but like sexy?' oooh, and then amanda bynes comes out. she's super christian! they show a scene of her and her friends successfully having the school change the name  of their mascot from the blue devils to the woodchucks. har!  this is illustrated by exciting mascot scenes!
r/r: hahahahahhaah what, the principal is alex delarge?
that does not bode well for a sex-positive message in this movie!
r/r: the woodchuck has the same biting action as the trash man! 
r/r: this is really interesting re: power in girl relationships - how knowledge and/or experience functions interpersonally.  it's interesting how much of heterosexuality is performed for the approval of one's own gender, n'est-ce pas?  and a good example of the double-edged nature of how we think of sex for girls and women, wherein sexual knowledge is power, but having sex is forfeiting power.
r/r: amanda bynes' character is a little too familiar.  what i mean to say is, i liked it better when she was mandy moore in saved!
j/d: oh man, chapter 2: ' the accelerated velocity of terminological inexactitude.' ha. lies travel fast.
'did you hear olive's a slut?' that's how a montage of texts going around the school is started, with all these
people hearing about her boning. goddamn cell phones! they'll be the end of us all.
r/r: her scene cards sound like community episodes.
r/r: i think there were a good five people of colour in that scene!  and possibly amanda bynes' crony?
nina is her name.
r/r: she's supposed to be seventeen?  right, right.  high school.  okay then.
j/d: 'maybe next time a certain somebody will be careful about she says in the water closet.' har. christian lady set you up, olive. maryann, it is. she's mean.
ha! she called religion of other cultures science fiction and refused to go!
r/r: marianne is such a helen lovejoy.
j/d: flashback! to the only other time that olive had people talking about her sex life!  she's in the bedroom with a guy for seven minutes of heaven. he doesn't want to do anything, but wants olive to tell people they kissed. this is, different.
r/r: hey, we already saw todd earlier.  you can just say "from todd."
r/r: i like that there's representation here that straight boys' sexuality isn't so hard and fast and automatic as we are often told.  sometimes dudes aren't ready, and that's okay too!
j/d: some guy walks up.
"hey olive, how's it going?"
"i'm swell, thanks for asking, guy i've never met."
j/d: hey! it's the family! they're awesome.
r/r: aww, adorable adopted brother!  that's a secondary poc character right there - maybe tertiary.
j/d: olive wants her parents to be prepared to hear some shit. their family dynamic is super cute!
r/r: haha, and he understands how genetics works!  i like stanley tucci, and his general actions in this scene.
j/d: ha! this adoption scene is soooo funny!
aaaanyway, the parents pry, but olive is avoid-y.
r/r: olive, both of those outfits wouldn't...i mean you would dress like a ten-story building, and you would dress like a crack in the sidewalk, but you wouldn't actually be those sizes.  this line isn't working for me.
j/d: yeeah, about this whole emma stone being in high school? i'm going to drink, and try to only mention this thing about her being super hot once.
r/r: whoooooa self-conscious about high school movies!  how..well, sort of expected.  i guess that is a very current way of producing and commenting on media.
j/d: holy shit! they're in class! and gwen stacy is in peril of the sandman who is free-style rapping! wtf? my life!
oh, my life. (link)
r/r: "public humiliation
yay, being a woman!
j/d: wooow! they're reading the scarlet letter in class!
r/r: indeed - who could have seen that coming?
j/d: huckleberry finn foreshadowing - pretty funny.
r/r: "except for huckleberry finn 'cause i don't know any teenage boys who've ever run away with a big, hulking black guy."
i didn' jim as hulking.  maybe that's my bad, but i didn't see him characterized as such.  anyway!
j/d: webcam rundown of the scarlet letter! ha, fuck demi moore.
r/r: i can't think of  the scarlet letter without thinking of blood and guts in high school.  oh man...kathy acker is one of my favourites.
r/r: slightly heavy-handed "the more things change, the more they stay the same" theme brought up by the teacher.
j/d: whoa, some girl calls olive a skank, who calls her a twat, and then she's waiting to see the principal. maryann is there! they exchange witty quips. aaand, i just find the current and present amanda bynes thing funny.
r/r: it's a snappy comeback, but i'm not so down with ladygenital-themed insults.
j/d: some guy leaves the office all bloodied.
aaand we're in the principal's office with malcom mcdowell. he would frighten me as a principal.
j/d: "this is public school. if i can keep the girls of the pole and the boys of the pipe, i get a bonus."
yeah right. educators in america get bonuses?
r/r: but this school seems to get a lot of funding, just based on the grounds and class sizes!  whatever.
j/d: boom! DETENTION!!
r/r: easy a: the story of one girl's ass, and where it didn't go.
j/d: so olive meets todd the mascot guy, and there's cleverness about mascots with masks off. a party is mentioned, but neither of them are going. and then, wow, rhi is there! ha! "the one where you got suspended cause you called nina how a dick and you punched her in the left tit." cuteness, their friendship is.
r/r: i think woodchuck todd is boring.  but he high-fived a black student walking in the background.  so. that's...good?  i got nothing.
r/r: "i worry about the way information circulates at this school."
j/d: "your secret's safe with me, you little sex monkey."
r/r: olive is really...not listened to in this friendship.  i wonder how that theme of not being listened to will play out over the course of the film!
j/d: aaand, dinner again. and olive is discussing her office visit. the dialogue is quick here again. the parents ask what word she got sent to the office for using, she doesn't say, and they settle on her telling them it starts with the letter 't'. aaand, then they ask noun adjective or verb… they resolve that she should spell it in her peas. "i will take that challenge. i like that!"
r/r: why is the little brother sitting at a table by himself?
r/r: haha the parents care more about what the word was than what actually happened.  i love patricia clarkson!  also stanley tucci.  and these two are great together.
j/d: patricia clarkson is coool.
r/r: this reminds me of ann and sam blecher's failed attempt at grounding josh in season two of less than kind, with similar results as the daria episode, "the big house."
my parents are totally uncool and unfair! (link)
j/d: "i got a b+ on my spelling test today" little bro says.
"that's good hon, but everything has spell-check these days," patricia clarkson tells him
"aww" the kid remarks
mom tells him she's just kidding and dad asks "where are you from, originally?"
r/r: aww, hey!  he did well!  first you  make him sit at a separate table, then you dismiss his achievements, then you treat him like a regular douchebag who isn't supposed to be his parent?  that was a weird note i didn't really appreciate, though it was played pretty cute-ly.
j/d: now olive and brandon are mopping up the gym! notice her gradual wardrobe evolution. stupid budget cuts.
budget cuts making them clean the gym, not affecting her wardrobe.
r/r: budget cuts i see.
j/d: they're talking, and his life sucks. they have cute discussions about each others' lives, and rumours.
r/r: "very whore couture." um, what?  shes wearing skinny jeans, wedge sandals, a white tank top and a black vest.  are you fucking kidding me?  oh, and a necklace.  and a bracelet.  WHORE ALERT!
j/d: wow! olive admits to sorta starting her rumour. he notes she's perpetuating it, and the conflict is here!
then she tells him to straight-act! it's pretty funny, but kinda rough. apparently every body has an act, and they use that to blend in and have friends… i believe we're all confirming brandon is gay.
r/r: for real.  sometimes people with x, y, and/or z privilege don't understand the necessity of blending/passing for survival, at least temporarily.
j/d: now rhi and olive are discussing love and lust and george while sitting on hoods in the hills.
they discuss the various floating rumours about her.  aand her phone rings! the ringtone is the song from the card. she really does have a pocket full of sunshine now.
r/r: haha!  in fact one might say she has a pocket full of pocket full of sunshine..
r/r: "yes, yes, i believe so, if i was a sweet valley of the travelleing pants, but i'm not."
r/r: rhiannon, how could it not be your descriptor?  those truly are some big tits.
r/r: "probably wants to borrow an outfit." pro tip: you can say something about that, olive!  that's being a friend, and an ally.
j/d: ha! rhi's identifier is big tits… and well, since it was brought up. yeah, they are.
aand then it's casual homophobia before chapter 3: "a lady's choice and a gentlemen's agreement."
j/d: brandon mopeds up to olive's  house. knocks on the door.
r/r: "uh, hi.  is there an olive here?"
"there's a whole jar of them in the fridge."  i like that they both make "dad-jokes!"
r/r: a gentleman caller!  very glass menagerie..or for whom the southern belle tolls.
j/d: her mom is funny! this thing about asking for hands in marriage is hilarious. the way they handle this is weird.
r/r: a boy?  a boy.  a boy?  a boy.  a boy.
haha...white parents.  they went up there and shut the door, even!  what the fuck!
j/d: sooo, we're in olive's room and brando proposes the situation of them 'dating'
ha! kinsey 6 gay.
r/r: ah, kinsey numbers.  sometimes helpful!
'i've got that v where you'd rather see a p.'
r/r: "you want to maintain this floozy facade, i don't want to get pushed into shit everyday, it's a win/win/win!"
"how doyou know i like being thought of as a floozy?"
"because at least you're being thought of."
i must admit have more than a bit of hate on for the word floozy.  so often people use it as a cutesy copout from saying slut, which gets them out of owning up to the fact that they really do believe in the concept that having sex causes women to depreciate in value.  but, you know, whatever.
r/r: "you are on crack!  and not the good kind!"
wtf is the good kind of crack?
r/r: shit, poor brandon.  that's closer to the reality.
j/d: soo, they debate a bit, but then agree to perpetuate her slut rumour and mitigate his gay gossip.
aww, i feel bad for brandon. i mean for being tormented. beyond that, it's noteworthy that he's well up on his sex slang - this is humourous.
r/r: ha?  what consequences will he have to deal with, compared to you?  silly olive.
j/d: so they're going to that aforementioned party to fake all this shit up.
j/d: party tiiiimes! lots of drinks.
j/d: "i borrowed a dress from my mom, brandon borrowed a jacket from me"
r/r: it kind of seems like olive is doing an unintentionally terrible job of trying to get melody to come to the room with them.  but i love her impression of a "normal girl" who is soo druuunk omg.  how many times can she say cocktail(s)?
r/r: and melody offers her room? but with disgust?'s her own room that she's agreeing for them to use.  i don't get it.
j/d: so, they pretend to be drunk (pre cocktail party cocktails!) and olive asks melody if there's a room they can use.
something about brandon and funny things. her mom's dress is great
melody offers her own room, which i find odd. this is followed by an awkward walk down a hall,
and we arrive in melody's bedroom.
r/r: olive's mom has some sexy dresses!  "jesus, what is with you gays?"  lolz, we're all just girlz here right?  we can talk like this, and i can call you f@- what'd i say?
j/d: from here the acting of faking their respective heterosexuality and flooziness is planned, and perpetrated. classmates line up outside the door to listen, as sexuality as this age is very much a community-based entity? i guess? that said, they block up all the windows and doors, going so far as to put some panties over the keyhole any way, it's pretty funny shit, as they start off grunting and it leads to them jumping on the bed and pounding on the wall emulating sex noises.
r/r: why does brandon have no idea what he's doing?  it's very comedic and weird.  haha "a little better."  the performance of compulsory heterosexuality, everybody!  let's give it a hand!  actually, wait, let's not.
j/d: apparently melody likes p!nk
r/r: "now you try, you try."
"i'm gonna turn you around and take you from the back!"
"yeah, that's not gonna make pepole think you're straight."
"nevermind that gayness, 'cause i'm a straight guy!  roar!"
what?  straight people have sex from behind all the time, if porno is any indication.  however, that was hilarious.
r/r: what the fuck?  "it doesn't really smell that bad!"  hahaha so awkward and ridiculous.  do guys really have that little idea about girls' bodies?  actually i guess that's not too surprising for high school.
j/d: ha! the grand finale is a punch in the stomach and her yelling. it's funny.
they break off from here, and he's quite appreciative of her favour. she goes so far as to let him keep the panties. he jumps out the door and the crowd parts.
r/r: aww, so pretty in pink!  or is it sixteen candles?  i guess i'll look it up
it was sixteen candles. (link)
r/r: "how was she?"
"guess i'll be walking funny tomorrow..."
but brandon saves the day by exclaiming "i'm drunk! what's up, bitches?!"
and he is roundly celebrated, as olive parts the crowd like some kind of mose-pariah, and runs into boring todd.  it's awkward, i guess?  but cute.  i don't really know.
j/d: nobody talks to olive as she leaves. oooh, except woodchuck todd. he had a quick rehearsal for that wedding. their exchange is cute, and people mock her in the background.
j/d: baaaack to the webcam! she's upset about the lack of fanfare over fakely losing her virginity.
r/r: ha, judy blume reference.  girls get it!  maybe some boys?
j/d: now she pretends to play guitar. it's terrible. but brando left a gift with her mom!
j/d: the mom knows he's gay!  how?
r/r: "he seems like a nice kid!  he seemed a little incredibly gay."
okay, hold up.
this is my first real "what the fuck?" moment of this movie.
how does patricia clarkson's character know brandon is gay?  and what makes it acceptable for them to use "incredibly gay" as a casual descriptor?  the tone is lightly teasing, but the power dynamic makes me uncomfortable, as i feel like the writer is basically throwing around straight privilege for no real narrative reason.  i mean, incredibly gay?  really?  fuck that.
j/d: ha, the parents were hoping she'd get knocked up so they'd have a second chance at raising kids!
har, additionally, the mom dated a homosexual for a long time!
r/r: "girlfriend" is maybe a totally inappropriate way to talk to your kid!  but hey, white parents.  what do i know!
j/d: gift reveal from brandon! a vibrator and a target giftcard. whoooa.
r/r: haha, ringtone again!
j/d: rhi calls? omg brandon wtf?! she's mad.
r/r: "throwing your cat at everybody!" that makes it sound so violent and...kind of awesome?

j/d: lol, throwing your cat at everybody!
r/r: oh, so rhi is upset because she feels olive is leaving her behind and/or forgetting about her. it's been obvious over the course of the film so far that she cares more about olive than she does bout her. i'm thinking it's quite a rosalind/celia dynamic (as in shakespeare's as you like it).
j/d: this conversation with rhi is rough, why's she so self absorbed? whoa! it's revealed that olive's identifier
is dirty skank! so she's going to be a dirty skank! she bought 'fine lingerie'!
r/r: who is doing this joan jett cover?
hahaha angry sewing montage!
j/d: now there's a montage of her cutting shit up and sewing? i usually just buy clothes that fit.
r/r: that isn't...necessarily how sex sounds?  but fair enough.  this is.  what?
j/d: oops, the dad breaks in and has some more commentary about homsexuality, and i'm a little
confused, but whatever. at least he's being cool. he asks if she's okay, and she says she is, and well, that's a scene.
r/r: haha, i kind of love her totally inappropriate parents, and their sometimes very positive morals embedded in rambling.
"hey, no judgement!  all god's children, it's fine.  i was gay once, for a while, no big deal, we all do it, it's okay!"
oh, do american parents call their kids "buddy" too?  i thought that was a canadian thing for some reason.
love you, buddy (link)
j/d: ooh, look! it's the morning, and there's a cliche hallway (all though it's cali so we're outside) walk by the newly-turned sexy girl in her revealing outfit. aaaand it's olive! wow. her name is an anagram for i love. rhi's pissed at her though.
i'm not sure why…
r/r: high school is very easily shocked, eh?  bustiers are excellent tops.  admittedly something i love to wear! and i started doing it in high school, though i had to sneak them out of the house and change once i got there.  but, you know.  
r/r: it makes me sad when the friends fight!  i know that's silly, it's all just plot.  but still.
j/d: meanwhile in the cafeteria, girls hate, boys lust, and sandman questions! he tells her not to forget tomorrow is earth day.
r/r: it's...not really your business, sandman?  i'm not clear on how he's able to intervene in this type of situation.
j/d: oh man, now christ club is talking about her. uh oh! they need to help her, and they need her out of here. there's some whining about jesus and promises, and well, i won't lie… i was synching my iTunes and iPhone… cause, yeah.  who cares.
so what?  who cares? (link)
r/r: haha, kurt is proud of his voyeurism.  he won't last long in the fold.  blah blah, hyper xtian morality is boring
"jesus tells us to love everyone, i mean, even the whores an the homosexuals, but, it's just so hard!  it's just so hard because they keep doing it over and over again!"
hah, fair enough - god's love is entirely conditional on abiding by his rules!  rah rah rah!
rah rah rah!  let's do the lawndale shuffle! (link)
j/d: oooh, but now a singalong!
r/r: you know, even toddchuck making jokes with her doesn't make me remember what his face looks like.  sorry, dude!
j/d: ha! she doesn't know why they're upset. she put an 'a' on her shirt. oooh, fuck. swim class. todd's here, and they're ready for witty banter about bedrooms, cinderella, and a bunch of other dope stuff. her pants are short. 
r/r: am i an asshole that i thought of fat neil when i saw this guy?  if so, i apologise.

j/d: oooh, there's a big dude here now, cause todd's gone. brandon told this dude, who is evan, what's actually up. and he wants the same deal that brandon got. but he can pay. but, he doesn't even need her permission.
r/r: i hate this scene.  it's so true.
it's so true!
"i don't need your permission, you know!"
he is absolutely threatening her.  and then he turns around and makes her feel guilty, as though his repugnant qualities and well-being are her responsibility.  yet again, olive is put into a position of forced responsibility for another person's well-being - a situation many young girls and women are faced with on a regular basis, and a regular side effect of the notion that women are somehow "the nurturing sex."
r/r: also, does this remind anyone of jordan catelano approaching angela in the stairwell about the rumour that they had sex?
j/d: any way, she's offended, but when he walks away talking about how he's a fat piece of shit out loud, she agrees to do it.  she wants a 100$ gift card. gap, amazon or office max. no sex. but chest fondling. glorious. better than cake! boom!
r/r: "including cake."  wow, that was kind of mean.
j/d: he wants a better deal, but takes it any way. she calls him a shitdick, then he fuck soff.
r/r: "can't we throw in some butt action or some pants rubbing?"
hahaha, troy barnes and "butt stuff!"
j/d: apparently a rumour about her soliciting sex for money pops up somehow now. the more you know!
j/d: so now there's a rundown/montage of all the transactions she manages to put together over the next while it's a bit rough, but cute.
r/r: oh, sanjay chandresakar!  i'm sad that brown men are so often cast as the worst in love.
"i knew he wasn't latino, but somehow all this shady backdoor deals had me talking like carlito.
'beat it esse.'"
j/d: now there's some weeeeird race stuff in an orange field, and then she's back to the webcam talking about chivalry and 80s movies.
a liiiitle silly, but hey, whatever. she wants life to be like an 80s movie with an awesome musical number.
r/r: jon hughes, jon cusack, patrick dempsey, blah blah blah!  i want moooovies!"  though we all do at some points, i imagine.
but so often they don't bear up under analysis!
but what can i say...i mean, to quote courtney love (right?), what i want in a partner is "tenderness and violence sort of simultaneously   little bit of bastardness combined with kindness.  um, i like dickheads that are really nice, basically.  
j/d: chapter 4: "how i, olive penderghast went from assumed trollop to an actual to an actual home wrecker."
well now. i play a lot of minecraft, and i've been down in the nether enough to know that all ghasts are homewreckers.
r/r: wait, why the fuck do you have your high school students on facebook?
you know roman's updates because you friend him, right?  jesus!
okay, i admit i don't...exactly know how facebook works.  you can't make me!
r/r: guys.  GUYS!
reading is cool.
r/r: "stay golden!"
haha, ponyboy!  i didn't mean to, ponyboy!"
ponyboy!  i didn't mean to -- ponyboy! (link)
j/d: olive is meeting teacher sandman in his classroom. he wants to know what's going on. he feels she's taking the reading assignment too seriously. she wants an a. he's hearing rumours. she's considering becoming an existentialist. he says she knows what he's talking about. she says she didn't know teachers were privvy to these rumours. teacher says kids say too much shit on facebook…why is teacher facebook stalking students? is this a plan for another heist? is sandman on to some sort of school kidnapping scheme? will paul giamatti be there? will things go a little...sideways?
teach apologizes for sending olive to the office and says he hates nina. and, phoebe (from friends) is here. cause, ummm, what the fuck? apparently she's a guidance counselor who thinks olive dresses like a prostitute and who seems to be fucking the sandman! development! spidey is missing ALL this shit!
r/r: what a perfect time to introduce an important secondary character - fifty minutes into the film!  and she's a guidance counselor who is married to the sandman!  (also she's phoebe)
aaaand she gives credence to the idea that olive; by virtue of being dressed in a self-embroidered boustier, skinny jeans, high heels and a necklace, is representing herself as "a prostitute."  i do not understand these standards AT ALL.  have these people ever seen how sex workers dress?  sometimes their jeans are not even skinny OMG!
j/d: so the teacher convinces the guidance councillor to talk to olive… and then that scene happens! i understand! apparently there's concern from the faculty. olive is a little annoyed, and not in trouble. so, phoebe tries to give her some condoms,and she takes them. this is some pretty good guidance, really. and i won't complain, i guess. it's just a bit dismissive.
r/r: heehee, it's so fun when we use "bitch" to denigrate each other!  especially when we have ideological reasons to divide us, such as snottiness, and jesus freakery!  that said, i definitely approve of providing contraceptives to young people!
r/r: "making spaghetti!"
"that's great!"
"with meat!"
"enjoy eating your meat!"
"with balls!"
"enjoy eating your balls!"
r/r: sharp pencil standoff!  it is...about as exciting as it sounds.  except with emma stone!  so. actually kind of awesome.
j/d: i guess marie-ann's boyfriend is 22 and still in high school and going to guidance? a fourth year senior? oooh, it's HIS choice. capital H.
i prefer the capital G.

r/r: haha!  hemline!  i am pretty vehemently opposed to certain types of dress codes, for reasons that would take up far too much time or space to expand upon within a movie review.
r/r: how does shaming a student about her reputation fall under the scope of helping her?  i'm being serious here, and not inviting responses from people trying to justify that garbage.  and giving out condoms should not be such a shameful act!  in 2003/2004, i was shocked to learn that nanaimo college in british columbia did not offer condoms in any of their residence buildings/dormitories.
j/d: so anyway, dude's parents are divorcing and he's having a rough time dealing with it.
"no, you insensitive rhymes with witch." teehee. pg-13 here we come!
r/r: if she can use that logic to justify unfortunate things that happen to people who are close to her, why can't she use it to justify the existence of people who differ from her?  would that stop her from being a true xtian soldier?
no, you insensitive rhymes with witch, his parents are going through a divorce!"
j/d: umm, now olive and marie-ann are bonding, i guess? confusion is here, and well! anyway, i guess they're friends now. thats pretty fucked up. there's hair smelling and hugs everywhere and montages of spinning and texting and whispers and song.
r/r: i just..i should re-cap this?  emma stone is funny.  but i don't care about this scene, and amanda bynes' character.
r/r: haha, yet another breakfast club moment: why are you being so nice to me?
(link) (and i have to say...i always preferred her before the "transformation")
r/r: for a day?  hahaha!
and grease music!
r/r: haha, their private jokes are so innovative!  "this dude is gross!  LOL!"
fucking poetry.
j/d: danger in shop class, fingers almost lost, and micah is in hospital!  HE HAS CHLAMYDIA!
his mom beats the fuck out of him to find out who, and he claims it's olive. the mom rumour mill lights up and marie-ann catches word. and goes to beat up olive. rhi is happy.
r/r: aaaand micah has chlamydia.
he blames olive, which is obviously untrue.
r/r: hahahahah aww, micah is so...stupid.  and he's banging mrs. sandman!
mrs. sandman, bring me a swab [test]!
j/d: we 'find out' on the phone that micah didn't get it from olive, he's talking to someone on the cell. boom!
secrets! he loves whoever gave it to him, and whoa! it's the guidance lady! her life is successfully fucked now.
r/r: "goddamn shit goddamn shit" haha
"goddamn shit."
j/d: olive's there in her office, looking for marie-ann, and phoebe lady freaks at her and apparently she was god damn shit messed up shit god damn shit god damn shit was fucking micah. 'cause her marriage was rough and shit. sooo, micah lied to keep her out of trouble, and whatever. but g-lady's going to rat herself out…
r/r: there is no way for olive to not know what's going on.  but i guess she knows that now.  oh, how sad.  and what will happen, based on the precedent set by everything prior?
why, olive takes responsibility for other people's mistakes/well-being/misery/existence.  so sad.  so unethical for someone who is more or less a teacher to put her in this position, and accept her decision to take the blame.
j/d: that said, olive is such a kind heart, she takes the blame on.
"i could have chlamydia"
r/r: "maybe it was becoming a habit of mine to help the downtrodden, or maybe i just couldnt stand to see my favourite teacher's marriage crumble.  either way, i decided to help."
is that how she sees it, or a justification?  i hope it's the latter.  oh, olive...i'm sorry that this happened.
"no you haven't.  no you haven't, 'cause a real whore can't admit it to herself, much less to others.  trust me, i know."
WOW.  what a sad, sad statement about women who fuck.  are you kidding me?  that's terrible!  i mean, i get that this woman is wracked with guilt and self-pity, but i still think it's a horrible attitude to take about sex, and to impart on young people.
j/d: now there's awkward conversations about "whores"
j/d: holy shit! olive leaves, and people are literally picketing her existence. i mean, what in the fuck? who pickets a person? in my school days you couldn't get people to picket companies, or governments, let alone some girl who apparently was a bit easy.
r/r: haha, olive probably would have better signs.  but they would definitely be lacking in commas!
r/r: can i just say that from introduction to injection of amped-up conflict, phoebe's character has been in the movie for about eleven minutes?  that doesn't speak well to the pacing.
r/r: ah yes, capitalism and/or/vs. religion.  "you're a slut."
abstinence tastes better! (link)
r/r: "fuck off, quiznos!"
the physical embodiment of a sandwich shop will always make me laugh now. #sixseasonsandamovie
j/d: ha! rhi is picketing olive to make the school a better place and quizno's thinks she's a slut. this is pretty god damn dumb. todd runs into her and asks if she's okay. he says "screw all these people, olive" she gets sad. "haven't you heard? i already have."
r/r: "screw all these people.  olive."  haha, boring todd.  he's nice, and inoffensive, and so, so unmemorable.
j/d: weird. discussion about extremists.
ha! bible is in best sellers next to twilight!!
r/r: the bible is stocked in bestsellers next to twilight?  that's a pretty multi-directional burn!
j/d: so, she's seeking religion and someone to talk to. she goes to a confession booth, but there's nobody there.
so she confesses being a harlot to nobody. or atleast, pretending to be a harlot. whoooa. deep.
r/r: "i've been pretending to be...what is th catholic way of phrasing this, a harlot?  a harlot.  it's not that i've ben doing the things that people say that i've been doing, but then again, i'm not denying them either, so i was just wondering, is that wrong?"
"its just that a lot of people have been asking me to do things, and i thought it was okay because it wasn't real, you know, it was make believe.  no one was getting hurt.  but, a lot of people hate me now.  i kind of hate me too."
how sad.  how realistic.  any glimpse of sexuality beyond simply appearing sexy without seeming sexually available is so intensely punishable in our society.
also, interesting use of the word "make-believe" to highlight how young she is supposed to be. 

j/d: eventually she realizes she wasn't talking to anyone and bounces, off to some other religious place. this one has people in though, as is easily evidenced early on, by the people, that are there.
j/d: "a minister? a reverend? a wizard?"
"it's a pastor."
r/r: fred armisen!  there was a point when i thought you were cool!  i...don't remember why though.
r/r: "right below our feet; right above the orient.  it's there."  is having an asian actor say this supposed to play up the racism for us to laugh at, or to simply play off a racist term without scrutiny?
j/d: and this pastor, who is fred armisen is the father of amanda bynes who is marie-ann who says hell is right below their feet and right above the orient. course, right after that olive sees the picture that illustrates the above-mentioned lineage of marie-ann.
r/r: why does amanda bynes look pasted in to that family photo?
j/d: she boots it, and almost falls down the stairs for her trouble. running in those heels must be rough!
r/r: "two frames?  really?"  i like throwaway jokes.
j/d: the music in this movie is like, baddd. pretty damn badddd. i think we're getting a fade-in of a 'good life' song i associate with fitness commercials in our areas.
r/r: whoa, was hester lynched?  news to me!  haha, but no.  no she was not.  perhaps a poor choice of words, olive writer(s)?
j/d: whoa, there's some crazy ass collusion with the family member of the week/ dvd choices in this family.
"are you accusing me of nepotism?"
so, they decide to watch the bucket list. but before doing so, we have a short discussion about how people might hear about olive and std's and stripper clothes. but nobody should worry.
r/r: poor kid just gets no breaks!  he doesn't even get to pick the movie ever.
r/r: i do like the family dynamic, especially the couple dynamic between the parents.
r/r: what is with these parents and their lack of concern over their daughter's life?  and also having no issue discussing all of this in front of her younger brother.  its nice when they have a small moment of sincerity, though.
r/r: still can't stop thinking of blood and guts in high school.  i'd looove to see it somehow mashed up with easy a!
j/d: aww, a webcam voiceover reveals that olive was getting talked about by many guys, but talked to by none. but then, some dude asks her out on a convoluted hot air balloon date that becomes dinner at the lobster shack.
r/r: yay, sylvia plath!  and suicide jokes that fall a bit flat!
high school romance.
j/d: later that night at not-the-red-lobster, this guy here is a guy, who's having dinner with a girl. they wear not-red-lobster-shack bibs.
r/r: "nah, just a guy, having dinner with a girl."  it seems a lot of guys who think this way might also view sex as transactional.
r/r: i love her awkwardness and face!  she's just so lovely and fun to watch.
j/d: nooow, we have a one-sided conversation about foody aphrodisiacs. it makes olive sound nerdy and nervous. good combo!
j/d: the meal arrives! tables away simultaneously we see that woodchuck todd works here, and he's taking a happy birthday meal to a mystery table! and it's rhirhi's table! she loves this guy who olive's on a date with (who fucking knows?). the date quickly becomes stupid and shitty and olive's all over trying to leave. she just remembered that she's so allergic to shellfish.
r/r: oh no!  things are going to get so much worse between rhi and olive now.
j/d: she pays with a gift certificate and bails, but rhi sees anyway.
j/d: ooooh, and now $200 gift cards to the home depot are offered for actual sexual favours, 'cause this guy's a creep who doesn't understand the parameters of what constitutes sexual harassment and assault (and overall jerkdom)
j/d: "come on this is bullshit," he yells as olive walks away. "goddamnit!"
yeah, that guy. he's uhhh. he's a something.
r/r: he reminds me of this guy!

j/d: suddenly a wild woodchuck todd appears (having just ended his shift?) he's gonna drive olive home.
r/r: "like a twig or a branch or a contact or something"
"i didn't know you wore contacts."
"i don't, which is why i'm tearing up, so."
j/d: exposition! olive starts breaking down life and history etcetera, and umm, then they get introretrospective.
r/r: i love that she just full-on sobs in front of him so unself-consciously.  it's something people worry about, the ugly cry (see bridesmaids), and it's a nice moment that bolsters the somewhat non-existent chemistry between olive and todd.
r/r: but todd, you're a mascot!  isn't that kind of an emblem of notoriety?
j/d: whoa! then it turns out that rhirhi was todd's first kiss. and she never told olive! more witty dialogue and feel and felt and then olive's dropped off in front of her house. boom! todd is smooth, hitting on the girl that he just rescued from some other guy. yeeeah, that'll make her all warm and comfy.
it's kinda cute though. he wants to kiss her, and she's against the concept, but just cause of her makeup and the situation with the horndog earlier.
she needs to get her business in order before she drags him into it.
r/r: i really do like that he asks her if he can kiss her too.  it's so sweet, and one of the only times olive's sexual agency and autonomy is respected.
r/r: this is late, but her date outfit is very cute.
r/r: olive, he already told you this wasn't a brand-new feeling!  over-analysis can be so deadly.
j/d: they hug anyway, and fist bump?  then we're back to the webcam!
the lies have to stop! it's over.
j/d: she's decided that brandon is going to help her. but apparently he left his parents a note that said "i'm gay, bitches" and we get the punch line to the earlier huckleberry finn set up ("skipped town with some big, hulking black guy!"
r/r: so now we know where olive got the word "hulking!"
"i've got to go.  i'm telling everyone!" (link)
r/r: why do i imagine micah's grandparents also haven't allowed him to get treatment for his chlamydia?
r/r: lisa kudrow gets like a pissed off owl
j/d: evan has gotten laid because he told girls he got to second with olive? hmm. micah got sent off, so he can't help her. neither can guidance councillor. she doesn't want to help at all. phoebe big time heel turns and freaks the fuck out. she's proud of herself, and it's dumb. but, as a response, olive runs to the sandman and rats out phoebe, and it's all super sad… because she broke more people's lives. but hey, whatever. poor mr. griffiths.
r/r: olive, what the fuck.  what the FUCK.  why are you - how can you possibly be taking responsibility for ending that marriage?  not everything is your fault!  you are not responsible for other people!
r/r: it's nice that she and her mom are having a heart-to-heart - i suppose it's been difficult for me to see because of the pacing, but there has been a progression of concern in the parents' interactions with olive.  it's actually really sweet, and i wish we got more time with them.
j/d: hey look! olive came clean to her mom up in the hills. her mom had a similar situation. she says she was a slut too. she slept with a bunch of people, mostly guys.
she was a contortionist. it's awkward and funny and weird.
r/r: "mostly guys"
hahaha awesome
r/r: i'm sorry, i got around!  before i met your dad i had incredibly low self-worth"
so there is officially no positive representation of women's sexuality in this movie, correct?  no one girl or woman has sex because they want to, and/or are not depreciated by having sex in a way that is not sanctioned (ie within the bonds of mawwage and/or twu wuv) 
i find it very difficult to see this movie as sex-positive, which is definitely how it was touted to me...and i highly doubt we would receive such a sympathetic rendering of olive if she actually did have sex.
j/d: oooh, olive decided to tell her part of the story!! that's why there's a webcast.
j/d: chapter four: "not with a fizzle, but with a bang."
(disclaimer: i am fully aware she calls them parts, but hey. this is our review.)
r/r: hooray for pointless musical numbers that would take a lot of time to co-ordinate, and be broken up instantaneously by the administration, probably!  and she's actually singing!  though not live, of course.  it's cute either way.  and her outfit is obviously quite sexy.
j/d: woo! woodchucks! we're a peppy rally dealy? todd convinced them to play a sexy song! she has an outfit left! whoa! aaand she still wants that musical number, a la ferris beuller. r/r: how come people are smiling and getting into it?  now she gets a standing ovation.  i thought everyone hated her?  oh, high school!
j/d: so olive breaks out in the middle of the pep rally from the woodchuck's wood barrel (the fuck?) and she sings a saucy tune (cause that's what songs being sung live in auditoriums by dancing girls sound like) and dances about all sexy style, somehow ripping the woodchuck from todd to reveal a blue devil! there's more dancing and ass slapping, and then olive tells everyone that this was a free preview, and to go to… she implies she's going to bone todd on webcam there. suddenly, the principal is here to stop everything (cause it just now occurred to him) he tries to take her away, but she says some stuff about mrs.griffith and runs off. authority!
r/r: how did she get away from that?  oh well, who cares.
this is pretty cheesy, but cute i guess.
j/d: webcast! it's the webcast! people are watching, and she's setting the record straight! but wait! todd's there… on a lawn mower! with some simple minds playing.
r/r: kiddo was watching the podcast too, eh?  jeez louise.  the parents, i get - i feel it's likely she discussed her intentions with them beforehand, in a scene of which we were cruelly deprived! r/r: do you think they asked the kid who plays sanjay to amp up the accent?  'cause i do!
oh, got jobbed so hard.  (link)
j/d: hey look! some racism about a non-white person, it really is an 80s movie!
r/r: and again, that guy is hardly someone i'd consider "hulking."
j/d: a montage shows us here at the end that everyone is dealing with change, finding out truths, watching huck finn or kissing todd and riding lawn mowers. it's all very… well, it's the montage at the end of a movie, y'know? 
r/r: haha, that kiss was pretty awkward - then they swing their arms around weirdly, because love is new!
j/d: they ride off fist pumping into the sunset on the mower before some terrible-ass cover of "don't you forget about me" is very poorly spliced in. i am not impressed.
r/r: oh god!  auido vomit!  my ears are sad now.
j/d: one could almost use that last sentence (:i am not impressed) to concisely sum up my opinion of this movie. i mean, it's a decent rehashing of quasi-traditional high school concepts for a slightly younger generation… but i mean, seriously; they did very little to foreshadow the manner in which the sandman begins his descent into crime and inevitable genesis as a super-villian. sure there's tons of character development on gwen stacy, but they take way too many liberties with the origins… why the name change? is a brush with green goblin going to send her to new york via witness protection? and seriously, where the hell was peter? how do you do a spider-man prequel without including even mention of peter parker? ludicrous. sam raimi must be vomiting in an urn somewhere.
r/r: so this was a fun movie, i suppose - a lot of its re-watch value comes solely from emma stone, with all her amazing charm and vivacity!  but the family scenes are equally adorable, though at times a bit uncomfortable.  but ultimately i felt it stayed on the side of caution with respect to addressing the real issues young girls and women face regarding their sexuality.  the way olive is continually talked around, talked over, talked out of saying no, etc. - these are all parts of a very gendered reality, which then makes authentic dialogue and understanding around what one wants or does not want sexually very difficult to achieve.  all told, i think recognizing that fact, and shaping the film more as though it reflected the interior of her experience might have strengthened it considerably (though i do recognize that with the form of a publicly viewable webcast, olive could well be editing out those vulnerabilities and presenting a public face on her story, in which case...well, no, i still think you could do it.  it's a more important part of the story than i think the film-makers are giving it credit for).  but definitely cute!  a definitely cute movie that has some problems.  so yeah...

our verdict?
...pretty much a movie!

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